Real Women Don't Wear Bikinis

From 2002: The Adventures of a Cross Stitched Driver

2012-01-10T18:30:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I went away on a retreat.

I know, this can give images of people sitting around with their legs crossed and going “Ohm” over and over. Or having breakdowns in front of total strangers over the fact that they didn’t get the bike they wanted when they were six. Or going into hypnotic states and talking about past lives when they were Cleopatra and Attila the Hun.

My retreat was none of this. It was a stitching retreat. A full weekend of doing needlework and chatting with other women who like to do needlework. No children, no husbands, no workouts or diets, no housework, TV or computers.

Now I know, some of you have your eyes glazed over and are going “that sounds as exciting as watching the snail Olympics.”

For others of you, just the idea of getting away from husbands and children would be enough to send you into glorious fits of ecstacy similar to the feelings you get when you finally give yourself permission to have a D.Q Pecan Mudslide after several months of eating nothing but broccoli and cabbage soup.

It was a retreat with eight women, out in the middle of nowhere (okay, Pigeon Lake) in a house to ourselves. We were all responsible for one meal, which was already planned and bought, and clean up at the end of the weekend.

I started out happily on my journey. My car loaded up with needlework and snacks. My computer would not download the map that was sent to me, but someone said it was not hard to find, just follow the road signs, and it was at Pigeon Lake so how hard could it be?

I have no sense of direction. And when it comes to asking for directions, I am a man. I admit it. I will not ask for directions. Never say lost, because all roads lead to somewhere, and never ask for directions because I’ll never be able to follow them anyway. Several hours later, still driving around in the middle of nowhere, I finally realized that the roads I was on led to nowhere. I was lost. Completely and utterly lost. Never get out of here lost. I would be found one day, withered away from starvation (and it would take a long time to wither me away) my hands clutched to an empty snickers wrapper, and frozen from the cold.

Fortunately I had my cell.

And more fortunately my friends called me. Good thing too, because I didn’t have their number. After several attempts to get me going the right way, my friends decided that a rescue mission was in order. So they put on their black clothes with stocking caps, grabbed an emergency bag (for stitchers this would have embroidery floss, a needle, a piece of lovely fabric and a chart) and set out in an unmarked van.

This experience has taught me two things: one, it is a good idea to keep the cell phone recharged, and two, in spite of what everyone says about cell phones and driving, I don’t want to make it illegal, because it was a great comfort being able to drive around with the phone up to my ear as someone was talking to me If it becomes illegal how else are people supposed to find their way? I can just see hordes of drivers meandering all over desperately searching for a familiar sign.

“Okay, we’re coming up to a blinking red stop sign.” I hear in the phone.
“I’m near a blinking red stop sign!” I replied as I flashed my lights. “Is that you that just passed me by?”
“We’re turning around.” With joy I watched a van turn around and drive by me. I followed, relieved to finally be rescued. But just as I was going merrily on my way a woman stepped in front of my car and flagged me down.

She asked me for directions.

Which I might have given to her (“go home before you get sucked into an eternal black hole and never be heard from again”} if I hadn’t been so worried about losing my rescuers.

It occurred to me as I followed the van through twists and turns and several wrong directionless moves, that I hadn’t actually seen who was in the van, and I might be following a mass murderer.

Especially when a sign appeared that said “cemetery” with a direction arrow, and they turned TOWARDS the cemetery.

I had a great weekend. Good food, good friends, and good stitching. Better than the snail Olympics. If anyone wants to stitch with me, give me a shout. I’ll be sure to bring my cell and oh yeah, a map.

Sunday Musings: Following the Plan

2012-01-08T12:57:00.000-08:00

Today in fast and testimony meeting a young man who is preparing for his mission got up and explained how if he weren't a member of the church he probably wouldn't be one of those people who would invite two guys preaching a religion into his home. He then told us about a conversation he had with his boss and the surprise his boss had when he discovered that this young man was planning to go on a mission. (Note: all quotes are not exact since I didn't take notes, I'm just remembering the best I can.)

His boss said, "You're going to be one of those guys dressed in a suit who goes from door to door preaching? I hate those guys. I just get settled into dinner and family and they come to the door."

"I hate those guys too," the young man said.

"Then why are you going to be one of those guys?"

"I'm not going for people like you and me. I'm going for the people who would invite the missionaries in and listen to the gospel."

I loved this. For all those people who complain about the missionaries, there are people like me who are grateful to them. My first missionaries were Elder Smith and Elder Smith who taught me about Joseph Smith. No, I am not making that up. They taught me a lesson, invited me to a stake center opening, and took me to a fireside in a couple's home (what happened to those types of firesides anyway?) Then they were transferred and I ended up with Elder Croft and Elder Cox. They were the ones who baptized me. It took a total of three weeks from initial contact to baptism. I'm an unusual case. But there are people like me who are ready to hear the gospel. There are people out there looking for it and don't know where to look. If missionary work didn't work, then we wouldn't do it. Yes, it's inconvenient and annoying for those who are not interested, but it's life changing for those who do.

The young man also made another statement. "We don't always know what the plan is and we don't have to understand it. The planner knows what the plan is."

And that is so true too. I don't know what the plan that Heavenly Father has for me is. I wish He would tell me. But He doesn't. Just because He doesn't, does not mean that there is no plan. I have to trust that He knows what He's doing and try to be open to it when it begins to reveal itself. He knows what the plan is, and sometimes that's enough.

T'was the Night Before Christmas

2011-12-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

T'was the night before Christmas, when all through my dwelling,

All the creatures were stirring, and they were all yelling.

The stockings were hung, and then fell on the floor,

And there wasn't a chimney, just the front door.

I nestled the children all snug in their beds,

After I threatened, to knock together their heads,

And I in pyjamas that I got last year,

Attempted to find some holiday cheer.

There were presents to wrap, and gifts still for making,

And I groaned at the lack of my holiday baking,

My tree didn't look like a Martha creation.

And my messy house was a whole other frustration.

I thought of the gifts that I couldn't get,

Due to no money and a little bad debt,

And I couldn't help feeling somewhat depressed,

That I couldn't give what they wanted best.

When out on the roof there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my couch to see what was the matter,

And suddenly there sprang through my front door,

That jolly old elf of ancient folk lore.

His eyes how they twinkled as they surveyed me,

And my sad little gifts and my still sadder tree,

And then I saw through that snowy white beard,

That a dazzling smile had slowly appeared.

"You forgot," he said, "the most important thing."

"You forgot," he said, "what makes your heart sing."

I looked at him puzzled. What did I forget?

Was there still one more thing that I had to do yet?

"Come with me," he said, and held out his hand.

And instantly we were in a long ago land

I could see three men, travelling from afar

And their eyes were turned up to a bright shining star.

And then in a flash, I saw shepherds gaze,

At a glorious figure with white light ablaze

It hovered above them and filled them with awe

And spoke words of peace, yet, there was more that I saw.

We were in a warm stable, with animals around,

I could hear angels singing, a most wondrous sound.

I saw a young maiden, a woman most fair,

With a lovely complexion and long brown hair,

In her arms was a baby with a glowing face

And I felt overwhelmed in this most sacred of place,

And Santa, dear Santa held me quite near,

And whispered so softly in my trembling ear.

"You focused so much on the gifts that you got,

That you didn't remember the gifts that He brought."

My heart almost burst, and my tears overflowed.

And I knelt before that baby, born long ago.

Then suddenly back home, in my modern day room,

Gone was the stable and gone was my gloom,

Gone was dear Santa, but under the tree,

He had left the most beautiful nativity,

I looked in my hand, and there the babe lay,

I set the figure down in the manger of hay,

And with joy in my heart, my chores quickly done,

I thought of the gift of the Father's Son

And then I turned out the Christmas tree lights,

And I checked on my kids, and kissed them goodnight.

And when I looked out at the starry winter sky,

I saw from his sleigh, Santa wave goodbye.

- Anna Maria Junus

Drum Roll Please - Winner of 2011 National Novel Writing Month

2011-11-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

Yep, I did it. And it wasn't easy either because it turns out that their word counter is different from my word counter. I thought I was done last night. Thrilled that I had passed the 50,000 word mark a day early and by more than a hundred words I cheerfully went to the Nano site.

Looking for a way to verify my word count I clicked on the page that told me how to do it and where to find the link. There was a warning there that their word counts might not add up to my word counts. In fact there might be a discrepency by as much as a thousand words. Especially if I was using Open Office.

I was using Open Office. So I put my novel in for word count verification. It came up that I was short by almost TWO thousand words. Yep, I had a whole other writing session to go through and find a way to fit in another scene somewhere, because you see, I had finished my first draft. I had already ended it where I wanted to end it. And it was three o'clock in the morning.

So after a little sleep I was right back at it. And now it's official. According to Nano I have 50,465 words. According to my program I have 52,857 words. I get a certificate and badges for my website and bragging rights and a first draft of a novel. Okay, to most people it's not much. In fact when my writing group heard I was doing Nano, their eyes took on a glazed expression.

"Why would you do that? What do you get for it:"

"Well, you get this certificate that you print off your computer and you get badges for your blog." I could see I was losing them. I could see that I was losing me.
"I couldn't write two thousand five hundred words a day," one writer said. Note, this is a woman has self-published books so she's not a slacker.

"It's like training for a marathon," I said. "When you train for a marathon you work a lot harder than you normally do. This is the same thing. I'm not always going to write two thousand five hundred words a day. Just this month. But it trains me to write a thousand words a day."

"And I get a novel out of it." I added. This bit rescued me from forever lamedom. To a writer, a first draft of a novel is always a good thing.

"Well, a thousand words isn't bad. But when I trained for a marathon it took me six months to recover," she said.

Hopefully it won't take me six months to recover. I do plan on putting this first draft away for awhile and look at it at another time with fresh eyes. I have work that needs attention. Like those other five novels sitting in my computer in various stages of editing and requiring a publisher.

Can you imagine if I hadn't finished a day earlier and had discovered a word discrepency at midnight of tonight? Oh the pain.

From 2004: The First Snowfall of the Winter Happens Before the Beach Umbrellas Are Put Away

2011-11-24T16:03:00.000-08:00

I rarely take all my kids shopping.

I was reminded the other day why.

Just with that line I can see some of you writing your own columns in your head. Go ahead, it will probably be funnier than mine.

It was the Saturday of the first snowfall. I decided that it would be a good idea to take the kids shopping for winter things.

Do you have any idea how many pairs of gloves I buy? You would think I was buying for octopuses or something, because it seems that every year I have to buy several pairs for each child and several pairs for me. Not all at once mind you.

“Okay, here’s your gloves. These are YOUR gloves. Do not LOSE them. These are MY gloves. Do not WEAR them. If you lose your gloves I will not buy you more gloves and your fingers will freeze and fall off, and then your hands will freeze and fall off and then you won’t be able to hit your brother/sister anymore, and you will have to steal all my pens using your teeth.”

And so the day following the first glove useal, someone announces to me “Mom, I lost my gloves, can I borrow yours?”

And knowing that if my kids fingers freeze and fall off, I will have the school upset because my child will have to write his/her school work with his/her teeth and end up slobbering al over it, and then Social Services will come and take the children away, I allow the glove loser to wear my gloves.

Which they promptly lose.

And of course it will be the day when I have to go out to the car and sweep snow and ice off my car with my bare hands because someone decided to use the snow brush for something that snow brushes aren’t used for and they will have lost it.

If my fingers freeze and fall off, no one cares because that’s what mothers do for their children.

Anyway, we went out shopping that Saturday.

Turns out, everyone in the city was at Value Village and Walmart that day. You would think it was the Saturday before Christmas.

Now, I’m one of those rare folk who are fine in FRONT of crowds. If you put me up on stage, I will not lose my lunch, become speechless or paralyzed, or forget my name. In fact, I enjoy being up in front of crowds.

I do not like being IN crowds.

So while my children are pulling on my six arms demanding things and telling me to look over there and fighting over who gets what and who needs what and who’s turn it is to get what, I am also being pushed around by crowds who want to get somewhere while I’m stuck behind people who won’t let me get anywhere and it’s everything I can do to not suddenly stop in the middle of the store and scream.

It’s a wonder I haven’t seen this happen yet with anyone.

It will one day you know. Some poor mother is going to stop in the middle of Walmart, scream, “Stop this merry-go-round! I want to get off! And then curl up in a ball on the floor sucking her thumb.

I thought I was alone in this. A few days later I talked to some friends and found out we all feel this way.

“They need to have an express lane for panic attacks,” Mira said (all names have been changed to protect the guilty), “that way you don’t have to leave everything when you run screaming from the store.”

“You know how they have those signs asking you to leave knapsacks and suitcases at the customer sevice desk when you come in,” Gloria said, “well they need to have duct tape at the front doors with instructions that no child may enter without their mouths being taped up first.”

“Yes, that way none of us will be singled out and pointed at for being abusive mothers when we do it,” Trudy said. We all nodded in agreement.

“You know in some stores they have those taste testing stands…” Hazel said.

“Do I,” said Gloria, “I had to wrestle my kid away from those things just the other day. He thought he could eat lunch there.”

“Well they should have Prozac stands,” Hazel said.

“Then they would have to wrestle me away from them,” Gloria said.

So the next time you’re all out there, keep an eye out for those mothers. Our eyes are glazed over and we are smiling.

Always watch out for smiling moms. It’s a dangerous thing.

*****

Note: While searching for a picture to go with this story I googled in "shopping with kids clip art". All I got was pictures of happy shoppers. Obviously the artists who create these images have never been shopping with kids. Or, they were warned by merchants that if they conveyed the truth they would get cement shoes and a chance to go swimming while wearing chains.

Why I Choose to Be A Mormon

2011-11-22T17:32:00.000-08:00

On July 10, 1980 I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. I was seventeen (yes, I know, I'm giving away my age).

Since that time I have had experiences and questions that both cause my testimony to grow and create doubt as to the truthfulness of the church. This I believe is necessary in the our quest to know God. A testimony that never questions itself doesn't grow. A testimony that never doubts never tests. Faith is not immovable never changing. Faith has growing pains, times when we root ourselves in the ground and times when we fly.

There are some doctrines I don't agree with. You can't convince me that plural marriage was inspired, nor do I believe that only men should hold the priesthood, or that the priesthood should have been denied to African American's for so long.

But although there are many things that our church has in common with others – the gift of redemption, the belief in Jesus Christ the Savior, the sanctity of family, charity, there are other things unique to the church that I hold dear and cannot find anywhere else.

The First Vision

This is where my testimony of the church comes from. As sure as my testimony that God exists, I sincerely believe that Joseph Smith was visited by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I sincerely believe that he was directed to restore the church. I may have problems with some of Joseph Smith's other actions such as instituting plural marriage, his apparent manipulation of members, and destroying the printing press of the enemy, but what he did later in his life has little bearing on what he did when he was a young, innocent and teachable man. I see Joseph like I see David of biblical times. What David did while he was king does not take away from his killing the giant in his youth with the help of God.

Explaining my surety of the First Vision to non-members of the Church of Jesus Christ is like trying to explain the existence of God to an atheist. We do not speak the same language, nor does our sense of logic match. Although it's illogical to me that this world just happened without any direction, an atheist cannot imagine a being capable of creating such a wonder.

I always come back to the question I had when I first learned of the first vision. If God is all powerful, why couldn't he appear to a fourteen year old boy?

The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ

A few years ago when members of the church were challenged by then prophet President Hinkley to read the Book of Mormon within a certain time span, I took up the challenge. As I did so, I highlighted every time Jesus is mentioned or speaks. My Book of Mormon is covered with these little highlights. On every page in fact.

There are those who claim that Joseph wrote the Book of Mormon. It is impossible for a man with Joseph Smith's little education to have written the Book of Mormon. Studies done on the Book of Mormon reveal several different authors as well as different styles of writing. There is no other viable explanation for it that I have come across. How did the Book of Mormon come into existence?

It is also a testament to me that Heavenly Father cares for all his children. Those who view the bible as the only word of God overlook that the bible comes from one area of a vast world. Wouldn't it make sense that if God loves His children He would provide prophets and guidance for all of them, not just the ones in a small area? And wouldn't it makes sense that those leaders would keep a record? It would also stand to reason that there may be other records out there that have not been discovered or that are purposely hidden away. A God that provides direction to only small portion of the people that He created is illogical.

There are also stories in the Book of Mormon - most notably for me the visitation of Christ to the Nephites, that testify of His love and concern for all. When I read this I have no doubt as to the truthfulness of the record.

Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost Are Separate and Distinct Beings United in Purpose

The bible testifies of this.

Genesis 1:26 ¶ And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness:

Not only does this show God speaking to someone who is like Him, but it also hints at a Heavenly Mother, for Eve was not made in the exact image of Heavenly Father but she was made in the image of someone.

Matthew 3:16 And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him:

17: And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

Here we have an example of three distinct beings. Jesus rising from baptism, the Holy Ghost descending like a dove, and the voice of Heavenly Father saying how pleased he is with His Son.

Matthew 17:

1 AND after six days Jesus taketh Peter, James, and John his brother, and bringeth them up into an high mountain apart,

2 And was transfigured before them: and his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.

3 And, behold, there appeared unto them Moses and Elias talking with him.

4 Then answered Peter, and said unto Jesus, Lord, it is good for us to be here: if thou wilt, let us make here three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias.

5 While he yet spake, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them: and behold a voice out of the cloud, which said, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him.

6 And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face, and were sore afraid.

7 And Jesus came and touched them, and said, Arise, and be not afraid.

Another example of Heavenly Father and Jesus being separate and distinct beings.

In the Garden of Gethsemane -

Matthew 26:39
And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.
At the age of 12 Jesus astounded those in the temple with his wisdom. He explained to his parents who chastised him because they didn't know where he had been

And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business? Luke 2:49

John 10:
32 Jesus answered them, Many good works have I shewed you from my Father; for which of those works do ye stone me?

33 The Jews answered him, saying, For a good work we stone thee not; but for blasphemy; and because that thou, being a man, makest thyself God.

34 Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods?

35 If he called them gods, unto whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken;

36 Say ye of him, whom the Father hath sanctified, and sent into the world, Thou blasphemest; because I said, I am the Son of God?

37 If I do not the works of my Father, believe me not.

38 But if I do, though ye believe not me, believe the works: that ye may know, and believe, that the Father is in me, and I in him.

This apparently has caused some confusion by Christ's statement that the Father is in him and many churches use this as an example that the Father, Son and Holy Ghost are all the same being. Yet Jesus continues to reference the Father as a separate being. We can be one with another and yet be distinct separate beings. We are all asked to be one with the Father.

John 14 is filled with Jesus referencing the Father. Here is an excerpt.

26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

28 Ye have heard how I said unto you, I go away, and come again unto you. If ye loved me, ye would rejoice, because I said, I go unto the Father: for my Father is greater than I.

29 And now I have told you before it come to pass, that, when it is come to pass, ye might believe.

30 Hereafter I will not talk much with you: for the prince of this world cometh, and hath nothing in me.

31 But that the world may know that I love the Father; and as the Father gave me commandment, even so I do. Arise, let us go hence.

John 15:1 I AM the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman.

Mark 15:34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Acts 5:

29 ¶ Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.

30 The God of our fathers raised up Jesus, whom ye slew and hanged on a tree.

31 Him hath God exalted with his right hand to be a Prince and a Saviour, for to give repentance to Israel, and forgiveness of sins.

32 And we are his witnesses of these things; and so is also the Holy Ghost, whom God hath given to them that obey him.

I hadn't intended on focusing so much on this point but there's so many examples of this principle and it's in the Bible, the scriptures that we share with our Christian brothers and sisters. How did this other concept of them being one being come to be embraced? It's not logical. A simple and straightforward principal has become complicated and confusing.

The Apostles

As far as I know, the LDS church is the only one who has apostles. It's astonishing really. Jesus Christ set His church up calling His Apostles and after His death Peter became the head. If Christ did this, why hasn't every other Christian church done the same? We see another example of this in the Book of Mormon when Jesus comes to the Nephites and establishes His church there setting aside twelve apostles. To the other churches I ask “Where are your apostles?”

Prophets

Throughout the bible there are example after example of a prophet or even several at the same time since there wasn't the communication then that we have now. Those men stand for God and are His mouthpiece. The argument is that since Christ came and fulfilled the law we have no need of prophets, but that has proven to be untrue. Why? Because the Christian church has splintered all over the place. The trick here is to know true prophets from false ones. I believe that President Monson and the presidents that came before him were prophets.

The Pre-Existance or Pre-Mortal Life

When I first heard this principal I had what I call a heart memory. It was instant knowledge that we did indeed live before with the Father up in heaven. There are several references to it in the Bible.

Jerimiah 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

I love that scripture. It was directed towards Jerimiah but it stands to reason that God knew us all before we were born.

Revelations 12:7 And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,

8 And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven.

9 And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.

The LDS church has scriptures that support these and go into greater detail. I know of no other church that teaches of our premortal life. Now there's an exciting adventure story.

All Will Have the Opportunity to Hear the Gospel.

There is no arbitrary picking and choosing of those who will get an opportunity to return home. If God is fair and loving He provides a way for all to return home. There are Christian churches that teach that if you don't accept the Savior in this life then you will never be able to. How fair is that?

The Innocence of Children

All children are innocent before God. They are not accountable for things they have no control over. We have no infant baptism for children do not need to be baptized. How marvelous to know this especially for those parents who have lost children.

Forever Families and Marriages

This is a promise that the relationships that we forge here on earth can continue in heaven if we choose. Many churches don't teach this and yet many people believe this. Most likely another heart memory. A mass heart memory. It's a part of those who believe in God. The concept of never seeing our loved ones again is too harsh a punishment for most of us to bear. The church also teaches that those who do not have the opportunity to obtain or retain an eternal companion in this life will have the opportunity later. How comforting. Especially for someone like me who has gone through a necessary divorce. I read the last book in the Left Behind series that taught that those who were righteous but didn't have a chance to marry would forever be alone. That doesn't sound like something from a kind and loving God. That's your reward for being a follower of God? It doesn't make sense to have to be punished for being good.

Worlds Without End

The LDS church believes in other worlds, other planets, other people. It's logical that if God had created one earth He would have created others. In fact it smacks in the face of the atheist who believes that the earth somehow happened, because the impossibility of it happening once only rises in improbability that it happens again.

Three Degrees of Glory

It's good to know there's more than two choices. We are not all bad and we are not all good. We are a little of both so it stands to reason that there are different degrees of righteousness and one bad mistake will not send us hurtling to hell.

Children of God

We are all children of God. Everyone. Every single person who has ever been born or ever will be. He loves ALL of us. Even the unrighteous and wicked. As a parent, I understand this. It doesn't mean He excuses bad behavior and in fact he probably feels more sorrow than we can begin to imagine for He will have to turn away so many of His children. He has provided a way for ALL to return yet many of us will choose not to.

Heaven

No sitting around on clouds playing harps. Heaven is a place where we grow and learn and teach. It's a place where we love and are loved. A place where we feel joy and sorrow. We are ever growing and never stagnant in Heaven and our potential is unlimited.

I am sure there are other things that I have momentarily forgotten. There is so much within the church that I would never find out of it. So what if there are things that I don't understand, or agree with.

In fact knowing that the prophets and apostles are human and make mistakes only adds to my testimony. Heavenly Father loves all of us and uses us in our imperfections. If that means growing pains for the church then so be it. I love the fact that the church does not stay stagnant yet still holds on to the principles that are truly important. I love that I am not expected to blindly follow anyone off a cliff but I'm to pray about the things that I am told and then proceed as I see fit. Heavenly Father allows us, expects us, to make mistakes and that includes the leaders of the church because that's how we learn. So at one point we had polygamy which I am sad to say hasn't born any good fruit. But the church corrected itself. At one point not all men could receive the priesthood, that too has been corrected. There was the situation when women in the church were excommunicated for supporting equality. The very things they fought for are being embraced. At one point birth control was frowned on. Counsel has changed on that as have a lot of beliefs regarding abuse, rape and sexual relations between husband and wife. Things change because knowledge changes and it appears that Heavenly Father does not give us or prophets knowledge that we or society is not ready for. Yet the real things stay the same. Heavenly Father loves us. We are all children of God. Jesus Christ is the Savior and suffered for us in Gethsemane, died for us, and then was resurrected so that we will be as well.

For more on the church go to mormon.org or lds.org These are both official sites of the church and more in depth study can be found there.

I do not speak for the church. I do not have the authority to do so, thank goodness. I speak for myself and have formed my own opinions.

Welcome to Earth 101

2011-11-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

“Welcome to Earth 101. I am your instructor, Henry. Is there anyone here that is not supposed to be here? Good. I am passing out packages for this course. Please take the one with your name on it and pass the rest down.

You have each received a different package. Although it may appear to be the luck of the draw, it is not. These packages have been specially chosen for you. There will be no trading.

You will notice in each of these packages a dossier. Take a look at the pictures. Read the biographies. Those people you see will be your family. As we get further on in the course we will be observing them. Study them. It is important that you know and understand them. You will be living your lives around these people.

“Excuse me?”

“Yes?”

“There seems to be some mistake. I put in for a mission for a rich family in the United States and this package says I will be serving in Ethiopia among the poor.”

“I can assure you. It is not a mistake.”

“Moving along, although your memories will be taken away, there will be certain things that you will instinctively know how to do. We will teach you these things here.

For instance you will learn here how to make a production of going to bed. Baths, stories, pyjamas, hugs and kisses, goodnights, prayers, lost teddy bears, baby blankets, snacks, drinks of water, trips to the bathroom, scary monsters under the bed or in the closet, all will be techniques you will use to delay night time sleep.

Another example - when you are taking a long trip in the car, or on a train, or a bus, or a plane, you will repeatedly ask your parents, “Are we there yet?” Furthermore, even though you have just been at a rest stop and assured your parents that you do not need to use it, ten minutes later while you are driving down the highway you will suddenly announce that you must go to the bathroom immediately."

“Excuse me, sir. What is this ‘go to the bathroom?’

“That will be one of the things you will learn on earth that will teach your parents many things.”

“We will be teaching them?”

“Yes. You will teach them things such as love, patience, fortitude, endurance, and forgiveness. They will learn to be as a child again, yet they will have tremendous powers. You will also teach them time management, delegation, charity, sacrifice, unselfishness, and the ability to learn to accept imperfections yet still be able to motivate you to go beyond what you thought you could do.”

“We’re going to teach them all that?”

“Oh yes, all that and more.”

“Now, we are not expecting that you will accomplish this immediately. You will start small. We will give you the tools. Initially you will be given an annoying cry that will break out sometime in the evening when your parents will be under the foolish impression that they can relax. Along with that cry you will be given the endurance to keep it going until well into the early hours of the morning. As you grow older you will be given other tools. An annoying whine, a piercing scream, the ability to climb great heights without fear and a quick brain that will allow you to think of things that your parents had not thought of yet. You will be able to eat things that are not for normal digestion, yet have the willpower to turn away from those foods that others find tempting. As you grow older you will question your parents at every turn. Keep those questions coming. That’s how they learn.

“Before you get too cocky about this, I have also given your parents tools. For instance, mothers will have the ability to see out of the backs of their heads, and fathers will be able to make you feel like slugs under rocks just by looking at you.

Are there any questions?”

“I don’t want to go to Ethiopia.”

“Was that a question?”

“Can I get a transfer?”

“No. Next question.”

“I’ll trade a villa in Italy for something in France”.

“How about a trailer park in Iowa?”

“I’ll take the villa for a chateau in Paris.”

“You’ve got it.”

“STOP! STOP! STOP! You cannot transfer, trade buy or sell your missions! You get what you get! Now there’s the bell. Homework tonight is…”

“You’re giving us homework on our first day?”

“Your homework for tonight is to study those dossiers. There will be a test on them tomorrow.”

“Oh man, a test already?”

“I can see now that you will teach your parents well. See you first thing tomorrow.”

Chocolate and NaNoWriMo

2011-11-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

It's the day after Halloween which means two things. Chocolate coma and the first day of NaNoWriMo.

For those of you who don't know, NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month.

Which means that there quite a few of us who are desperately writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November.

Why they pick the month before December I don't know. If you are a NaNo it means that you can't possibly get ready for Christmas before December. It's been a dream of mine to have all the presents wrapped and all the baking done and in the freezer ready for the first of December when I can spend the month just enjoying the season.

But that dream has to be put aside as long as I insist on doing NaNo.

So I was good. I got to bed at a decent time last night - I was actually tired at 11. What's up with that? Which had me awake at 5 normally I time I get to bed these days. I wrote my first 2571 words this morning.

I figured out that if I take off weekends and my birthday I can get the 50,000 words in by writing 2500 a day. I'm already ahead 71 words.

I've accomplished this twice. If you look at my sidebar and scroll down you'll see my 2004 and 2006 winner badges. Yeah, that's what you get for a prize.

But at least I've got chocolate. It's a requirement.

The Flood, From a Woman's Point of View

2011-10-27T15:33:00.000-07:00

“Noah, what are you doing?” Noah’s wife asked him. “You’re making a big mess. I hope you don’t expect me to clean this up.”

“I’m building an ark.” Noah replied.

“What’s an ark?

“It’s a big boat.”

“You’re building a boat in the middle of the desert?”

“Yep.”

“Do you know anything about boat building?”

“Nope.”

“I guess not, since you’re building it in the middle of the desert. Why are you building a boat in the middle of the desert?”

“God told me to.”

Her eyebrows rose up, “God told you to build a boat.”

“Yep.”

“In the middle of the desert.”

“Yep.”

“I can’t even get you to fix the front door, and you’re building a boat.”

“God didn’t tell me to fix the front door.”

“God isn’t the one who cooks your dinner either.”

“I’ll fix the front door when I’m done here.”

“When are you going to be done here?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how long it takes to build a boat. I’m still getting the trees.”

“Well, when you’re done building the boat, I’ll get your dinner.”

“All right, Woman, I’ll fix your door.”

“Honey, is this because of your 600th birthday? Are you having a mid-life crisis?”

“I am not having a mid-life crisis.”

His wife shook her head, “Other men just buy a fast horse or lose a little weight, mine builds a boat, in the middle of the desert, no less.”

Noah ignored her and continued working.

“How big is this boat going to be?” she asked him.

“Big. Big enough for two of every animal and all of our family.”

“Hmm, I suppose I could always turn it into a bed and breakfast.”

“Hey, Mom!” Three boys called out to her. She looked out into the distance to see her strong strapping youths coming towards them carrying tree trunks.

“Did you hear, Mom? Dad’s building an ark!”

“Yes, I heard, Shem. I see you’re helping him.”

“It’ll be cool.”

“Well, I doubt that it will be wet,” she replied.

Ham laughed while his brothers and Noah and glared at him.

“Didn’t Dad tell you?” Japheth asked.

“Tell me what?”

“It’s going to rain.”

“Oh, well in that case, by all means build a boat. Don’t let me stop you. But I still need someone to fix the front door.”

***

“They have to get wives.” Noah said to her one day.

“They’re too young,” his wife said.

“They’re all around a hundred years old.”

“Barely out of babyhood. Do you really think Ham is ready to get married? That boy can’t even make his own bed.”

“A wife could do that.”

“Oh yes, that’s what we women are good for.”

“Nevertheless, I have sent them out to get wives.”

“Just like that! Do you know how long it takes to plan a wedding, never mind three weddings?”

“Hey, if I can build an ark, you can plan a few weddings.”

“Fine! But I still need my front door fixed!”

***

She watched as Noah and the boys brought the animals on two by two into the ark. Then she sighed, “I won’t be able to turn that boat into a bed and breakfast now.”

She overheard her sons singing “The ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah.”

***

After a nasty battle with sea sickness, she was able to get back on her feet and wander around the ark.

“Whose turn is it to clean up this mess!” she shouted looking around in disgust at the animal quarters. “Honestly, you people want pets and then you don’t even take care of them!”

“It’s Shem’s turn!” Ham shouted.

“It is not! It’s yours.”

“It is not. Maybe it’s Japheths.”

Noah’s wife stood with her arms folded in front of her. “I don’t care whose turn it is, you all can do it!” She spun around and stepped on a shovel which sprang up and hit her on the face.

“Who left this shovel in the middle of the floor!” she shouted.

“Ida Know,” they all said.

“Ida Know didn’t get permission from God to be on the boat! Where’s your father?”

“He’s talking to God.”

“Of course he’s talking to God. He’s always talking to God when there’s something to be done. Well, he’s going to talk to me.”

***

Ham’s wife sighed and said to her husband, “I’ll be so glad when we don’t have to live with your mother anymore.”

Shem and Japheth’s wives nodded in agreement. “Yeah, she makes us do everything around here.”

***

Noah and his wife stood on dry land gazing out at the water that was receding. He held her hand. “I love you,” he said.

“I love you too,” she replied. They were silent for a moment. “We don’t have to live in that boat anymore, do we? There wasn’t much for windows.”

“I’ll build you a lovely home with a white picket fence and you can have a garden where our grandchildren will come and play.”

“Will you give me a front door that works properly?”

He smiled. “Of course.”

She sighed and cuddled close to him. “Who knew that a midlife crisis would come to this?”

Lunch On a Skyscraper

2011-10-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I belonged to a writers group that sent out prompts. One of them was this picture. I discovered this while looking for another piece that I had written. Still haven't found that one. So here is what I wrote for this picture. I'd love to see other responses.

“Okay, everyone places.”

“Lois, they’re not looking rough enough, put a little makeup on them.”

“Sean, stop jumping off the beam. I know it’s just a couple of feet, we’ll be putting in the city shots later.”

“Okay guys, line up and look like your eating lunch.

“What do you mean ‘what’s my motivation’? You’re motivation is eating lunch.”

“No, you’re not getting danger pay for stunt shots. There are no stunts. You’re only three feet from the ground.”

“Where’s the caterer? Darcy wants horseradish for his roast beef.”

“No, Craig, there’s no Grey Poupon. You’ll have to live with regular yellow mustard.”

“Jordan, if you guys all cooperate you’ll have plenty of time to make it to your JLo video rehearsal.”

“Yes, Brock, I’m aware that we ruined your manicure. I promise, everyone can have manicures after these shots.”

“And loofah’s too.”

“Okay, look rough and mean. Pretend you had a fight with your wife.”

“Sure, Vincent. You can pretend you had a fight with your husband. Just don’t look like it.”

“I know Tigh is blowing smoke in your face, Mackenzie. You’ll just have to put up with it for the shots. We’ll get you a cancer screening test right after.”

“Jaimie, what’s in that cigarette! You can’t smoke that here! Lois! We need a tobacco cigarette!”

“Hold it, Carrigan is holding up a newspaper with one of his own ads in it. We can’t have a construction worker holding up a photo where he’s modeling underwear! Someone get another newspaper!”

“Dean, stop asking me what your motivation is! You’re a construction worker eating lunch on a skyscraper! What more do you need?”

“Fine, Dean, you’re a suicidal construction worker with vertigo eating lunch on a skyscraper. Whatever works for you.”

“Everybody stop smiling! I know you all spent a fortune for caps, but this isn’t the time to show them!”

“Okay, great shots. You can all go now.”

“I should have listened to my mother and become a brain surgeon. It would have been less stressful.”

Silly Love Song and I'm Not Talking About the Paul McCartney Hit

2011-09-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to a lot of Michael Buble lately. I like Michael Buble and it's because of him that I've embraced the kind of music my mother grew up with and the kind that I was first introduced to but became to cool to care about.

However there is one song that has got to be the epitome of really bad love songs. It's an old song. A classic that unfortunately has made a come back due in part not just to Michael but American Idol and Glee as well. And in spite of love being the most popular subject of all kinds of music, this song is probably the only valentine song. Nope, hold it. I just thought of another valentine song which is actually a good one.

So what is that bad love song. My Funny Valentine written by the talented Rogers and Hart. It was most likely written as a joke song yet so many took it seriously.

Let's take a look at the lyrics.

My funny valentine (okay, so far okay. Funny is good. Funny is sexy.)
Sweet comic valentine (hmm. Is valentine turning into a joke)
You make me smile with my heart (that's sweet)
Your looks are laughable (okay now that's just insulting)
Unphotographable (ugly. Great. Valentine is ugly)

Yet you're my favorite work of art (normally that would be nice but now I'm thinking that Valentine is just a painting of a clown)

Is your figure less than Greek (the Greeks were known for being athletic with tons of abs and muscle. So sounds like Valentine is fat)

Is your mouth a little weak (receding chin)

When you open it to speak
Are you smart? (Questioning the intelligence of Valentine. Well if Valentine thinks being called ugly, fat and stupid is romantic then maybe Valentine isn't smart)

The first time I had heard this song I was watching the Captain and Tenille on their variety show. Toni Tenille is actually a good singer and she had a big hit with "Love Will Keep Us Together" a decent song written by the talented Neil Sedaka. She also had a hit with "Muskrat Love" a song about two rats in love. Why anyone would think that rats in love is romantic I have no idea but it was a huge hit. Which is why they gave her and her silent husband a variety show that called for her to sing "My Funny Valentine" to her two bulldogs who panted heavily during the song because bulldogs are bred to not be able to breathel. The bulldog inspired the phrase "so ugly it's cute" which makes it entirely appropriate although gaggy to sing My Funny Valentine to one.

Maybe I'm wrong but shouldn't you find your valentine beautiful no matter what they really look like? Doesn't love make us deaf, blind and stupid? Isn't it supposed to otherwise no relationship would ever last?

Because I Won and I Want to Win More

2011-09-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

I won! I won! I won! Yep, I won a copy of One Wish.

CJ Hill is having another giveaway. This time it's two books. My Unfair Godmother by Janette Rallison and CJ's own debut novel Slayers which is out now.

I haven't quite figured out what the cover of Slayers is. It looks like some kind of shark to me.

For a more detailed look and a chance to enter go to An Author Incognito.

Congrats to C.J. on her first novel.

Because I Like to Win Stuff

2011-09-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

C.J. Hill over at Author Incognito is giving away a free copy of Just One Wish by Janette Rallison.

She's also announced the debut of her first novel. Slayers will be out on September 27.

Mish Mash

2011-09-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

Disney is re-releasing the Lion King in 3-D. Was this necessary? What now, all the past movies will be released in 3-D? It's not like 3-D is even new. It's been around since the 50's. Makes me wonder what other movies could be in 3-D. The Star Wars saga (if they add movable seats you really will feel like your in a star war) Indiana Jones (imagine having that stone rolling at you), Jaws (you will be afraid again of going in the water) and the Exorcist. Oh, please not the Exorcist. I don't want pea soup spit up on me.

*****

I stumbled across some cartoons that express my feelings about writing papers for college.

*****

Hello? Hello? Note to salespeople. If you don't answer me when I say Hello then I'm assuming that you're a stalker and will be forced to call the police and report a heavy breather. And it is not my fault when you finally answer my hello that I can't understand your heavy accent.

When I went looking for a picture I put into google telephone monster images. Most of the images that came up were of Lady Gaga.

*****

Speech that annoys me. The word is ASK not AXE. I don't know of any dialect where the word ask is legitimately turned to AXE. I don't care if it's Ebonics. I speak English. If you want to ask me something that's fine. If you want to axe me then I'll have to run because that is just too dangerous for my taste.

And to those who say "and what not". They add this to speech when they're listing things or supposed to be listing things. Paper boats, a rocket and what not. What does that exactly mean? Is a whatknot a hairstyle? Is it an alien? As a toast master judge I had to sit through a 4H speech by a girl who was supposed to be talking about an aspect of training horses. There were what nots littered throughout her speech. Does a what not have to do with a horse?

*****

What to read a funny book written in 1917? Yes, they wrote funny books back then. This one actually reads like it was written today. Check out my review at Views from Hobbit Hole.

Review of The Key of Kilenya

2011-09-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

For those of you who like light fantasy, read the review I wrote of:

The Key of Kilenya by Andrea Pearson

Andrea was also kind enough to read the review and leave a comment. I'm surprised at the authors who know I'm reviewing their work who don't come and read the reviews and make a comment. When I had my book out I wanted to read whatever anyone said about it. Of course this isn't about authors who don't know I've reviewed them, but there are several who have known. So it's nice when an author takes time to acknowledge a review. It isn't just me. Many reviews from other bloggers on these virtual blog tours are not commented on by the authors. Andrea Pearson has taken time to say thank you to her reviewers and that is greatly appreciated.

I'm looking forward to reading more of her work.

Left to Write: The Information Dump

2011-09-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've all come across this. You're reading merrily away and then all of a sudden there's a whole bunch of background information told in a way that reads like a police report. The author has decided that you need to know absolutely everything about this character right now because there's no way that you'll be able to understand anything otherwise.

Even worse, sometimes this information is told to you in the middle of exciting action or intense dialogue. For some reason the author feels a need to take a break and let you in on why these two people are fighting or what led up to the action, or how come the hero is afraid of snakes or why the dog likes to turn around five times instead of three which is what normal dogs do. Whatever the reason, the author stops the action for no reason other than to fill in her audience.

Okay so your writing and you realize that maybe your reader needs to know something. There are ways to do this without doing the dreaded information dump.

First - Does the reader need to know that now? Can it wait for later? If there's action going on or an intense conversation the answer is yes it can wait for later. Do not interupt an exciting moment to reminisce. It's not the place. There are other moments in your novel for reminiscing. It's okay for your reader to wait for answers to questions they might have. It's good for your reader to have questions. It is not good for your reader to throw your book across the room in frustration.

Second - Is this information really important? Really? Does the entire background story of this character matter to this particular incident in his/her life? Does the fact that your character have a BA in French and has travelled the world matter right now when she's rushing her child to the hospital? Maybe it does. But if it doesn't just leave it in your personal files of character development. The info needed might come up later, but it might not. Just be careful that if it does come up later you're not pulling a rabbit out of a hat. You know "Oh, by the way, Sarah just happens to have a degree in French and it just happens to appear right at this particular moment when she's trapped in the lair of a half crazed mime in the middle of Paris." If this is a danger of happening then weave the information into the story somewhere else in a more natural way.

It is possible too that your reader never has to know why your hero hates snakes. Maybe the reader can just accept that about him and realize that there is a reason.

Third - Is there some other way to tell your reader this info. Maybe it can come up in dialogue. You have to be careful doing this. You don't want your characters telling other characters things they already should know. But maybe you can bring it up casually. Maybe Sarah mentions her ability to speak French to a new aquaintence, or maybe there's a place where she can naturally use this ability, like ordering coffee in a cafe in France or Quebec.

I'm also a fan of the flashback. Not everyone is, but I like them because it gives you an opportunity to show what happened instead of telling. Instead of your hero telling us how he met his wife, maybe you can turn back the clock and show what he remembers. It puts the reader right into the story and allows the author to give a more honest accounting - or not. It may allow the author to lie to us. Who knows. But it makes the telling more interesting.

You can also weave bits of information throughout your story. You don't have to explain everything at once. Little bits can come out at a time. Even within the same scene interupt the information with action or dialogue. Not exciting action and dialogue. Just normal actions and dialogue. Brushing teeth, driving a car, breakfast table conversation - "pass the milk" stuff.

Here's an exercise. Drag out one of your manuscripts and look it over. Is there a spot where there's an excess of information. Is there a better way of imparting it? Try several different ways of giving the information to your reader.

And now for a laugh. How not to impart information through dialogue.

"Susan, even though you're twenty-six and I'm twenty-seven when we were growing up in Regina Saskatchewan everyone thought that we were twins because you skipped a grade," Pamela frowned grumpily. "And now that we're both mothers and you have a two year old girl and I have a three year old boy, people still think we're twins because you colored your hair the same as me even though your skin doesn't look as good with deep brown hair as mine does."

"You're just jealous that I have longer legs than you and that I'm three inches taller and my dress size is two sizes smaller." Susan frowned deeper than Pamela. "And you're also jealous that I have a beautiful Cape Cod house while you're living in the trailer that our Grandmother Jessie from our Mother's side left to you when she died last November."

"Ah hah!" Pamela pointed at her younger sister. "You're jealous that our Grandmother Jessie left something to me. You've always been jealous of me. I bet it drove you crazy when Tom, your old boyfriend, married me instead of you."

Yeah, don't do that. Dialogue can be a great way to give out information, but try not to make your reader want to throw your book into the blender and hit puree.

Virtual Blog Tour

2011-09-06T18:28:00.000-07:00

I've done another virtual blog tour review. For those who are not aware of what these are, it's a way for authors to go on tour while still in their pajamas and eating twinkies in front of their computer screens. They send out copies of their books to reviewers like me and wait in anticipation for the gushing raves they are fully expecting. The hope is that people will read these reviews and buy the book.

Now there is a risk involved. Although we're not supposed to gleefully annihalate the authors, neither are we expected to write such glowing reviews that readers will wonder if we fell into a toxi waste dump and became a superhero that blinds people with neon skin. It's about being positive and honest because no book is practically perfect in everyway.

As reviewers, we get paid in copies of the books. That's it. No other money or product changes hands. We also hope that someone will actually read our blogs.

So here's another virtual blog tour review.

All That Was Promised by Vickie Hall

*****

Aunt Madge is all riled up. She had a reader write to her asking about advice on those baby beauty contests. You can read that letter and her response here. Ask Aunt Madge and while your at it, don't foreget to read her other pieces of wisdom - her word not mine.

Want to win an ipad?

2011-09-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

In conjunction with the release of Pumpkin Roll the author, Josi S. Kilpack, and the publisher, Shadow Mountain, are sponsoring a contest for a new iPad. To enter, leave a comment in the comment section of this blog before November 1, 2011. Winners will be announced and notified November 3rd 2011.
For additional ways to enter, go to http://www.josiskilpack.com/

Josi is a good writer. I've reviewed two of her books. To Have and Hold and Tempest Tossed. Plus she's been kind enough to read and comment on my reviews even when they were critical.

Pumpkin Roll is the sixth in the Sadie Hoffmiller Culinary Series and it looks like a good one. They all look good. Don't those covers look yummy?

Books in the Series

Oh I wish I could get my hands on them, but I have to spend money on real food and rent.

About Pumpkin Roll

Sadie Hoffmiller is looking forward to spending her favorite baking season of the year making delicious New England recipes in Boston, Massachusetts, with her favorite leading man, Pete Cunningham, as they babysit his three young grandsons. But when the boys insist that Mrs. Wapple, the woman who lives across the street, is a witch, Sadie and Pete are anxious to distract the boys from such Halloween-induced ideas. However, it gets harder and harder to explain the strange things that keep happening, particularly after Sadie learns the eccentric Mrs. Wapple has been attacked in her home.

As the unexplained occurrences escalate, Sadie finds herself embroiled in yet another mystery with life-or-death consequences. Can Sadie discover whoever—or whatever—is behind the mystery before anyone else gets hurt? Or will this be Sadie’s last case?

You can read the first chapter here. Chapter 1 There's a recipe for pumpkin roll as well.

So now I hope I win an ipad. I could really use one.

Left to Write: Dialogue Tags

2011-09-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

I don't claim to be an expert, however I have had some small success in publishing and I've learned what I like as a reader. Plus there have been a few that have reluctantly admitted that I'm a strong dialogue writer. So let's talk about those pesky little things called dialogue tags.

What exactly is a dialogue tag?

It's that he said/she said stuff you stick somewhere in your dialogue to let the reader know who is speaking. You wouldn't think writing Tom said or Susan said is hard. It isn't. But writers like to make things complicated.

Before we get started, first you have to erase from your memory everything that your grade six English teacher taught you about dialogue tags, unless your grade six English teacher was a best selling author, in which case he/she would have been in his/her vacation villa in Italy writing his/her next best selling novel and not teaching you grade six English.

Recently I was reading a conversation between two people, and it became the reason why I ended up writing this post. In this conversation she screeched, then he grumbled, then she harped, then he snarled, then she sneered, which made me groan and him to glare and then he reminisced for awhile to give the reader background information even though he was still in the middle of a fight, which caused me to scream.

Forget about snarling, screeching, and sneering. Just say said.

But said is boring and it doesn't tell the reader how they said it.

Exactly. Said is so boring that it becomes invisible. Your reader won't even notice the word said. And why do you want to tell the reader how the character says something? Shouldn't you show it?

What does a sneer look like? What does it feel like? Show your reader what your point of view character is seeing and feeling. Show us how the other characters are reacting.

But if I use said then whole lines of he said'/she said looks stilted and amateurish.

In a conversation between two characters you don't need to identify the speaker in very line. You just need a reminder every few lines. Readers can follow along quite well. However, this gets tricky when you have more than two people speaking.

In that case show us what's happening.

Tom brushed his hair from his eyes and adjusted the goggles over his face with his gloved fingers. “Race you down! Last one there buys dinner.”

In that sentence, the word said doesn't even appear. Yet we know Tom said something because the statement is connected with his actions. Not only do we know what Tom said, but how he said it without using any explanation. We get that he's excited and confident. We've probably discerned that he's skiing and if we haven't, the next couple of paragraphs will make it clear.

Now lets talk about those little ly adverbs that your English teacher taught you to tack onto the end of said to make your sentences more interesting. You probably spent a few hours with these guys and your teacher never told you that he sent out all kinds of work to publishers and doesn't understand why he's never been published.

“How are you?” she asked cheerily.

“I'm just fine,” he said grumpily.

“Well, you don't have to be sarcastic,” she said angrily.

"I'm not reading any more of this." The editor said pointedly.

Don't do them. Just don't. Not unless you want editors to use your manuscript for the paper plane contests that they have once a week in the cafeteria.

You need to trust your dialogue. Often the dialogue will automatically tell us how something is being said.

You need to trust your characters. If we know that he is generally a grumpy person we don't need to be told that he says something grumpily.

You need to trust your setting. If someone enters into a kitchen where bread is baking, and a character says “What's that smell?” then that's enough. We don't need to read “What's that smell?” she asked rapturously. You might want to show us how she's reacting. Maybe her eyes are closed and she takes a deep breath. Maybe she adds "it's marvelous". But don't tell us how she says it. Maybe the fact that she uses the word marvelous tells us something about her character that you don't have to explain.

You need to trust your audience. For the most part your audience can figure out without the sneering and the harping that a fight is going on and the characters are not getting along.

Aren't there exceptions to the rules?

There are always exceptions to the rules. “Stop! she said, doesn't work. It looks stupid. Not only that but it gives the reader opposing statements. You need to use yelled or shouted. It is redundant, but it supports the exclamation mark. The same with question marks. When someone is asking a question, you can use the word asked in place of said. In fact there are a few words that are almost as invisible as said that are acceptable if not used too much- asked, stated, commented, added for example,. Y ou can even use an action word as a tag. “You're kidding,” he laughed. “I'm not going,” she pouted. Laughing and pouting are concrete words. Sneering isn't. Sneering is a perception word.

If you are going to insist on using an ly word as a tag even though I've told you not to, then use them sparingly. The same goes for words instead of said. Do not under any circumstances, unless you are deliberately writing a parody, use these words throughout a conversation. Even those concrete words need to be used sparingly, otherwise you've got people just pulling a bunch of faces which can get quite unattractive and distracting.

Here's a practical exercise. Get out a piece of dialogue that you've written, or write a new one. Now don't put in any tags at all. Just write it like two people talking. Or take out all the tags you've put in. Now read it over. Is it clear? What needs clarifying? Can you tell who's speaking? Now you can put in the tags. Just where they are needed. Put in said. How does it look? Can you do something different than “he said” without telling us how he said it? What is going on in the conversation? Put that in. Don't overdue it. The dialogue should sparkle on its own. It only needs a little support. Why encase it in an entire cast when it only needs a cane?

If you're writing a long piece such as a novel and you want to use that ly word because you don't know how else to convey it, put it in for now, highlight it in red, and after you're done writing and you're in the editing process, go back to those red words and ask yourself how you can show the reader how your character is saying things. If he's saying things sadly, then show us what he looks like. If he's the POV character then let us know how he feels. What does sad feel like? What does it look like? How is his statements and behaviors affecting others visually?

But what if the reader doesn't understand what I'm trying to convey?

Then the reader doesn't. She'll figure it out. She'll ask questions. Maybe she doesn't have to know everything right now. Not every question gets an answer.

For some fun there's something called a swifty. Years ago there was a series of books about Tom Swift, a boy detective. The writer was liberal with his ly words and as a result the term “swifty” was born. A swifty is a tag that is a pun of the statement. Here are some examples.

"I'll have a martini," said Tom, drily.

"Who left the toilet seat down?" Tom asked peevishly.

"Pass me the shellfish," said Tom crabbily.

"That's the last time I'll stick my arm in a lion's mouth," the lion-tamer said off-handedly.

"I might as well be dead," Tom croaked.

"We just struck oil!" Tom gushed.

"They had to amputate them both at the ankles," said Tom defeatedly.

"Who discovered radium?" asked Marie curiously.

"Hurry up and get to the back of the ship," Tom said sternly.

And that's why you don't use ly words.

It's Official: I Have a Multiple Personality Disorder

2011-08-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

I found this fun site called I Write Like You plug in a sample of your writing and it tells you what famous author you write like. I have no idea how this works. It's great for those days when you have so much to do that you're overwhelmed and don't want to do anything.

So I plugged in both Blowout and Merrily We Roll Along fully expecting to see Erma Bombeck. Instead I got

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

I have no idea who David Foster Wallace is. Was he funny? Did he write like a middle-aged housewife in support hose?

So I thought I would try something else. I plugged in Charity and I got:

I write like
H. P. Lovecraft

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Didn't he write horror? I had no idea that my criticism of celebrity charity was in the horror vein. That's far more critical than what I had to say.

So then I try Frankie, Squeeze My Rubber Duckie only to get:

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

I never heard of him either, but a search on Wikipedia - as a college student I am obligated to warn others that Wikipedia is not recognized by any college or university as being reliable which really I don't care about other than it makes it a pain to not use it in my essay bibliographies - reveals that Cory wears a red cape and goggles.

So then I plugged in And then shall many be offended and got:

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Score! Although it's interesting that my rant is similar to a multi-bajillion selling author. Interestingly, it's the only blog post that made me money. Hmmm. Similarities? Maybe I should write more raving lunatic rants.

I thought it would be fun to ask Aunt Madge to do this too and she got:

I write like
Chuck Palahniuk

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Which made her reply - "With a name like Chuck there's bound to be something wrong with him. He should write me for advice." I pointed out to her after looking him up on trusty Wikipedia that he was the author of Fight Club and that he's been called a nihilist to which she replied that she didn't know what that meant. When I explained that according to trusty Wiki it meant "without purpose" she stomped away, muttering under her breath.

So I decided to go back to me and I posted an excerpt from my book Roses and Daisies a charming inspirational love story about a heartbroken woman who runs away from home.

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Yes, the master of horror and the second one on the list. When I plugged in another of my chik lit novels it came back to Lovecraft. Is there something in the universe trying to tell me something?

Okay, so I thought I would try one of my juvenile fiction novels.

I write like
Anne Rice

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

The vampire lady long before Stephenie Meyers.

Okay, so it's determined that for some reason I like horror. What will it say to my middle grade book "Witches Brew-ha-ha".

I write like
J. K. Rowling

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Really! Really! The richest writer in the world! I am dancing. I just need to send that one out and wait for the money to pour in.

Virtual Blog Tour

2011-08-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

I have reviewed Sleight of Hand by Deanne Blackhurst. To read this review and others go to Views From Hobbit Hole.

Sleight of Hand by Deanne Blackhurst Review

Contests and blog tour

2011-08-16T01:10:00.000-07:00

Alberta writer Stephanie Humphreys is having a blog tour and contests. Check her out at http://shumphreys.blogspot.com/

From the Annamaniacs Files 2005: Blowout

2011-08-07T18:13:00.000-07:00

In keeping with this vacation theme I have going because I can't go on vacation and everyone I know is, I'm posting this from my files. I wrote this back when I had a career, or the beginnings of one. A weekly humor column, a novel about to be published, the money to go further than my back yard. Hope you enjoy and please leave comments. I'm trying to break the World Guiness Record for most comments posted to a blog. I only have about two billion more to go.

*****

Warning: Shameless plug ahead!
I was heading south through Montana, on my way to a booksellers convention in Salt Lake City to promote my first novel, “Roses and Daisies”.

Not that I actually had a book to sign. It’s not due out until October, but I was kind of like a trailer in a movie theater — “coming soon to a bookstore near you. The sorrow, the hilarity, the romance, the mystery – don’t miss it.”

Shameless plug over, now on to the rest of the story. Hey, by the way, does anyone else remember that guy on the radio who would tell “the rest of the story?” No? Never mind. Hey, does anyone else remember Rosanna Danna saying “never mind?”

Montana, for those who have never been there, is lots of rolling hills, some mountainous roads, and a few small cities, which are like hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of miles apart.

The speed limit in the US is 75 miles an hour. That translates to about 200K to you and me.

Warning: do not go through the Chief Mountain Bear Buffalo Something border. You will spend three days just driving through mountains until you finally reach the I-15 and realize that you’re only fifteen minutes from the border. You might as well be one of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness for forty years.

So after I reach the I-15, I’m happily speeding down the road, singing at the top of my voice when I suddenly smell burning.

Not like Smokey the Bear burning. No, this was the kind of burning you smell just before your car explodes.

I look at my gauges, remembering last year and being stranded in the middle of nowhere in Ontario with an overheated car, and then suddenly I feel something and I see a hubcap rolling merrily down the road ahead of me.

When I pull over I discover that my left front tire looks like licorice strings.

So I go to my trunk, unpack everything, find my jack and pull out my spare. I bring them to the front of my car, and I look at my jack, and I look at my car, and I realize:

I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

I do not have a cell phone, and I do not have AMA this time around.

On to plan B.

Stand by my car and look as helpless as possible.

I think it must be hard to see helpless on the side of the road when you’re pretending you’re Mario Andretti. That must be why so many cars whizzed by me so fast all I could see were colored streaks. They could envision themselves getting past the checkered flag somewhere in the distance.

Eventually a man and his teenage son stopped across the road and came over to help me. And a few moments later another man stopped. He had managed to see me but he had been Mario Andretii-ing too fast to stop, so he had dropped out of the race and managed to turn around.

He parked his car a little down the road to warn other motorists that we were there.

I have always, in my travels, found people who were willing to help me whenever I’ve had car trouble.

I seem to have car trouble a lot.

Which means I get to meet a lot of nice men. None of them single and looking like Brad Pitt — I wouldn’t be that fortunate.

It turns out my spare was flat.

It had to be flat because life can’t be easy and I’m involved in this.

Fortunately I was only five miles from Great Falls. A miracle when you think that the towns are all hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of miles from each other.

So I drove at 25 miles and hour (as I promised my rescuers) and made it to the city where I found a place that put air in my tire although that task wasn’t quite as easy as it sounds. You would think that places that service trucks would have air hoses.

Yes this is me with my red car and the flat
driver side tire. Only I didn't get the jack on
and my hair was longer, and I'm a girl.

They don’t.

After a trip to the junkyard to get a replacement tire put on my rim and two hours later I’m back in the race.

What’s that? I think I smell something burning.

From the Annamaniacs Files: Merrily We Roll Along - 2001

2011-08-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

This post was first published in 2001. Children's ages have changed since then. They tend to do that.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We went on vacation this summer.

And I see your eyebrows raise. “So?” You might ask.

Let me explain. We went on vacation this summer, and we have seven kids.

Okay, now that you’ve picked up your eyeballs and put them back in your head, I can tell you more.

Two vehicles, seven kids (plus a couple of extras on the trip there) and two drivers.

I learned some things from this experience.

Make sure the sliding van door is completely closed before you allow someone to lean against it while you go 100 kilometers down a highway.

The trip from Kelowna to Golden is twice as long as the trip from Golden to Kelowna. I don’t know why this is. It’s the same road.

If I start to feel sleepy and headachey while speeding down the highway, stopping for a nutritious lunch for long term energy, is not going to fix the problem. I need a coke, a chocolate bar and aspirin. With that combination I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

From now on I will not trust my sixteen-year-old daughter with the map. She found a bug on it. So instead of picking the bug off like any normal human being would do, in an effort to get the bug off, she rolled down her window, took the map, hung it out the window, shook it, and watched it fly into the windshield of the car behind us. My first thought? We’re going to be fined several thousand dollars for littering. And if someone finds an Alberta/BC map on the highway, it is not mine. I know nothing

Even I, who loves heights (been parasailing) and has never suffered from sea or air sickness, can get slightly nauseous in a six seater recreational plane. By the way, it was so cool when the pilot played chicken with the mountains. I can’t wait to go up again.

Teenagers think that a great way to spend a day with the aunt who has a beach house, is to rent movies and watch them all day.

No matter how I try, I cannot hide from people who want to take pictures.

While renting a condo, young children are required to repeatedly jump on the floor above other residents’ heads. Once you are in a cabin with no one beneath you, jumping is no longer required.

When going to the Enchanted Forest, beware of cute little houses that two-year-olds can get into but anyone much bigger can’t. She decided that she liked living in the three bears’ house. She liked eating baby bear’s porridge. She sat in baby bear’s chair. She wanted to sleep in baby bear’s bed. She was not coming out. No matter how much we huffed and puffed.

Kelowna is scarier to drive in than Calgary.

Even though slower speeds are posted on mountain roads, you still must drive prairie speeds. You just have to learn how to take the turns on two tires.

Under no circumstances can the bag holding my 8 year old daughter’s coloring supplies and books, be buried under 300 suitcases. I will not be able to survive unless she has her coloring supplies while riding in the car. It doesn’t matter how much my husband complains about unpacking the van and repacking it. He is not the one driving the vehicle she is in.

If you send three teenagers up a mountain so that they can ride mountain bikes on the way down, one of them will require rescue services.

At one point we rented a two bedroom cabin. It was charming. It was darling. I spent time furnishing it in my head. For myself. No one else. Not one child. Not even a husband. Just me, me, me. I dreamed about where my computer, stereo and TV would go. I imagined my collections throughout my little home, undamaged, unbroken, safe from harm. I pictured myself snuggled peacefully in front of the fireplace, reading a book, or happily engaged in my sewing room, or at my computer working on my 100th best seller.

And then someone would scream.

I kept telling myself “this is the last vacation with all of us. From now on they start moving out. That 17 year old is out the door next summer. The 16 year old is not far behind her. I only have 16 more years of family vacations.”

I will survive.

Charity, Oprah, Donald Trump and Anything Else I Can Think of for the Search Engines

2011-07-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make.

I read an unauthorized Kitty Kelly book on Oprah Winfrey.

I couldn't help myself. It was staring at me on the library bookshelf and my daughter recommended it and I just had to find out all the backstage stuff that Oprah didn't want me to know.

I won't review the book here. But I would like to comment on something I find interesting and perplexing.

Charity among the elite.

Celebrities are all about charity. Okay, they're not all about it, but they would like you to think that they are, and Oprah is probably Queen of "I am the most charitible person on the earth" club - she fights this out with Donald Trump. They have constant battles in their club house about who is more generous and who gets to wear the crown. She wants us to know about all the charities she supports and all the charities she creates. She has devoted many of her shows to her "angel network" and done specials on her South African school for girls, and had those tremendous giveaway shows where every audience member walks away with a car, a trip, pajamas and a date with Stedman.

Donald Trump is the same. He likes to toot his horn about all the charities he supports and what a great guy he is and even has "Celebrity Apprentice" where all the celebrities appear not for themselves but for a charity.

I am not against giving to charity by any means. But doesn't it say in the bible something about giving and not letting the left hand know what the right hand is doing? In other words we're not supposed to tell everyone when we do charitable work or how much money we give away. It's supposed to be a secret between you, God and the IRS.

I think an exception can be made if a celebrity represents a charity and by their representation is able to raise more money and awareness for a charity. I'm not against this and a lot of good can happen with this. Marie Osmond and John Schneider come to mind with "The Children's Miracle Network". They've raised over a billion dollars - a sum that they couldn't have done without advertising it.

But I couldn't help but wonder while I watched the "Celebrity Apprentice" why these stars even bothered to appear on the show. It's not a simple game show where they show up for twenty minutes, plug their latest project, answer some questions and get a check for their charity. (Note, I am not against celebrites plugging their latest project - it's part of the job description) Celebrity Apprentice is hard work that takes a while to do, (it's deja vu for some of them when they find they are back to selling pizza's like they did as starving artists) time taken away from regular work, and the money they raise, I suspect, is well within reach of these celebrities being able to reach into their pocket and write a check for. Why not just do that, make a public service announcement to get the word out there, do a couple of talk shows to promote the charity and move on. Why go through the whole apprentice thing where they are criticized, overworked and ultimately fired? I suspect it's not just the charitiy they're promoting here.

Back to Oprah and those cars. She did not give the cars to the audience. The car dealership did but she claimed she did. Whatsmore, there was a seven thousand dollar tax that recipients had to pay. She refused to help them out with that. These people were people who couldn't afford cars in the first place. If they had seven thousand bucks to pay for taxes they could have bought a decent used car for less than that. So people had a choice. Pay the taxes, sell the car and pay the taxes, or forfeit the car. Certainly the most logical would be to sell the car, pay the taxes and then buy something cheaper, but the point is that Oprah giving them cars - an act that got her a lot of attention and helped to crown her as Queen of Everything - is like saying that Bob Barker gave away cars, vacations and boats while he hosted the Price is Right. None of those things came out of his pocket and he didn't pretend they did. In fact on those giveaway days where Oprah appears so generous, it is not her generosity. She calls up the companies and they donate the goods. If they don't donate then its not her "favorite thing" which means that her "favorite things" aren't necessarily her favorite things, just the ones where she could convince someone to give her 300 of.

So I have no problem with her giving things away, but why not be honest about the giveaway and admit that not one cent comes out of her pocket. Other hosts of other shows do giveaways but they don't add the mantra "isn't Oprah the most generous person on the earth". This must be said twenty times while you wear your satin pajamas and your diamond encrusted "O" necklace, and before you crawl into your Oprah bed with the t-shirt sheets with your latest Oprah approved book club book.

According to this book (I don't know how accurate Kitty Kelly is) in spite of all the big money that Oprah donates it still comes to less than 10 percent of her income. So really is she that generous? Isn't 10 percent a base that a person begins with for charitable donations? If I'm bringing home a hundred million dollars a year, couldn't I still have a really luxurious life and still be contribuiting generously to the economy by giving half of that away? I could still have the multi-million dollar mansion, the maid, the gardener, the 200 pairs of designer shoes and purses and maybe get by on one private jet and one yacht and still give away 50 percent of my income? And if I'm making all that money and have all that attention is it really necessary to tell everybody about what a great person I am?

The African school is another conundrum. On one hand she appears to have done good to provide an exclusive school for poverty stricken girls, but the money she spent on one school was far more lavish than any girl needs. Girls don't have to have cloth napkins, crystal, china and chandeliers to get an education. I get that she didn't want an ugly school and she wanted them to have nice things, but what she offered the girls was so far beyond anything that most of these girls would ever be able to provide for themselves one day even with success. Showing them "this is what you can have" is one thing. Showing them "this is what you can't have on your own" is another. She could have built a beautiful, functional school with far less money and used the remainder to build other beautiful, functional schools for more poverty stricken girls. Instead she most likely will create girls who will feel unsatisfied no matter how much success they achieve.

I've often been mystified by the need to put on extravagant parties to raise money. Couldn't they charge the same amount, have a less extravagant party and use the money saved for the charity? Now an argument can be made that extravagant parties put money back into the economy by the purchase of goods and services needed for the party - and I'm all about spending money to go back into the economy, but is that really what people are thinking? Aren't they all just looking for an excuse to party lavishly and they can feel good about it because they had to spend a thousand dollars on a seat.

If you notice that I put Oprah's and Trump's names in the title. That is unabashed promotion on my part to get noticed in the search engines.

But at least I'm not asking for money. However if anyone wants to donate to the Anna Maria Junus fund then I'm all for it.

Lessons in a Calgary Park on Canada Day

2011-07-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

I was in a park in Calgary on a beautiful sunny Canada Day when a man passed by with a couple of dogs. I watched one of the dogs as it seemed slower than the other one. Not just physically but mentally as well. Noticing that I was watching his dog the man explained, "He's blind," and then called the dogs name. The dog followed his voice.

The man threw the dog a ball. I watched as this dog crashed into trees and bushes yet still managed to find his ball. When he dropped his ball he would nose around to find it. Part of me felt bad for the dog and another part couldn't help but laugh (yes, I know it's cruel but imagine a dog that walks into trees) and another part admired his spirit. His master would allow him to muddle around a bit, then he would call him and the dog would follow the voice until they reached a big open field where the ball was thrown and discovered. Instead of resenting his master, the dog enjoyed the exercise and the game, a game that kept the dog young and alert.

I should have been thinking about how we are all blind and we need to listen to our Master's voice to know where we should go. I should have thought about how we all crash into trees and bushes, skinning our knees and hurting our pride and how our Master allows us to muddle around. I should have thought about the balls we drop and nose about to find them and pick them up again. I should have thought how with persistence we can overcome obstacles and enjoy the sunny days and the challenges that keep our hearts and minds young and alert. I should have thought of that. But I thought of something else instead.

Can a blind dog get a seeing eye dog?

Contest: Debbie West Coon CD's

2011-07-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

Part of the contest requirements is to blog about and enter a link to the win the CD's. So here it is. Anne Bradshaw tells more.

Anne Bradshaw - Debbie Coon CD's

Sunday Musings: Reuben and the Lost Birthright

2011-07-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

The scriptures are filled with imperfect people. Even the prophets had family problems. Anytime a parent is feeling like a failure because of the things their children do, all they need do is look at the scriptures and see that even God's chosen has had problems. Few have had the problems that Jacob has faced. Most horrific is the story of his sons Simeon and Levi who went into a city that they had made a covenent with and murdered the men, stole the women and children and spoiled the city. There may have even been rape involved although the scriptures aren't clear. It's a small footnote and it's not dwelt on much nor do we see much of the outcome. It's hard to think that that these two could ever gain celestial kingdom status after such a horrendous and uncalled for massacre.

There is also a small note about Reuben, Jacob's eldest son.

And it came to pass, when Israel dwelt in that land, that Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father's concubine: and Israel heard it. Genesis 35:22

Now the sons of Reuben the firstborn of Israel, (for he was the firstborn; but, forasmuch as he defiled
his father's bed, his birthright was given unto the sons of Joseph the son of Israel : I Chronicles 5:1

So it seems pretty straightforward. Reuben slept with one of his father's wives and the consequences were that he lost his birthright. We are shocked that Reuben would do such a thing. You simply don't sleep with your father's wife. It's adultery. Within the church we tend to focus on homosexuality and paint it as the worst sexual sin, but it seems to me there are far worse sexual sins - rape, pedophelia and yes adultery come to my mind. Adultery is a devestating thing for the spouse who has been cheated on.

But is it really that simple?

It is not clear if Bilhah consented. Was she a part of it or was she raped? There is nothing in the scriptures that says that she was, so for the sake of argument, lets say that Bilhah agreed to sleep with Reuben therefore making her as guilty as he.

Before we condemn her though, lets look at her history.

1 AND when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.

2 And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

3 And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees that I may also have children by her.

4 And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.

5 And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.

6 And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.

7 And Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.

8 And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali. Genesis 30:1-8

Bilhah was a slave. Rachel owned her and Rachel also owned any children she had. Based on what we have from the scriptures it appears that Bilhah had no say in the joining to Jacob. There was no opportunity for Bilhah to find her own husband, and she was denied the rights of motherhood to the children she bore. Nowhere in the scriptures does it say that Jacob loved her. Jacob loved Rachel. Jacob was tricked into marrying Leah (a pretty suspicous set-up if you ask me), and Jacob agreed to marry the handmaids because his primary wives wanted it. There seems to be levels of marriage here. Bilhah was married to Jacob who already had other wives, and it seems clear that this was not a decision that she made, but it was forced upon her.

Is it possible that Bilhah and Reuben fell in love with each other? If that is the case, is their sin that horrendous then? If she is tied to Jacob through no fault of her own and not free to marry Reuben is it any wonder that they might commit adultery?

Some will say it doesn't matter. It's still adultery.

But she wasn't married in the true sense of the word. Eve was given to Adam as a helpmeet. Not as a slave. Marriage is about equal power. Bilhah was not equal to Jacob.

Can someone be held to a covenant that they did not willingly make? As LDS people we try and assure non-members who are upset about our baptizing the dead that the dead have the choice to accept the covenant. We know that if we grabbed someone dunked them against their will and even had the priesthood say all the right things, it doesn't count because they didn't choose to take upon them the covenents.

So is Bilhah accountable for covenents that she did not willingly make? Even if she said the words does it count since it appears she had no other options. She was owned by Rachel and given to Jacob by Rachel and had her children claimed by Rachel.

And is Reuben wrong for falling in love with a woman who from all appearences is not loved by her husband in the way a woman should be? Even if Jacob did love Bilhah he wasn't devoted exclusively to her (can you tell how I hate the double standard of polygamy).

Is it not tragic that Bilhah should be denied the love that all women yearn for and not even be allowed to hope for? Yes, it was a different time, but are we not all the same down at the core, no matter what time we live in or what station in life we are assigned.

Perhaps Reuben and Bilhah did not do such a horrible thing. Maybe, possibly, it was a grasp at some kind of happiness.

Thoughts?

From the Annamaniacs Files: Driving Me Crazy

2011-06-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

I had a request from my daughter - yes the same one in this story - to post this particular column from my heydays as a humor writer in newspapers. Apparently she thinks that this story of herself somehow impresses people. I am not going to argue.

*****

                Having seven kids means that you eventually learn to handle stress fairly well. You learn not to pull out your hair when kids draw on the walls. You don’t freak out at the first sign of blood. And watching two-year-olds walk along the backs of couches or four-year-olds climbing trees, doesn’t strike fear into your heart.

            So I’m cool, I’m calm, I’m collected, and I’m in control.

            Or at least I was until my sixteen-year-old got her learners permit.

            To be fair, we’ve been after these teenage girls to get drivers licenses. Here in Alberta they can get their learners at fourteen. They can get their license at sixteen. I have a seventeen-year-old that still hasn’t made the first step. The sixteen-year-old finally has. I want my daughters independent. I want them to be able to drive themselves places instead of having to ask mom and dad or rely on unreliable friends. Most of all, I don’t want to have to get up at 6:30 in the morning to drive them to their scripture study class.

            So I was happy she finally got her learners. And yes, I would teach her how to drive. I could handle this.

            I can’t handle this.

            “First rule,” I say to my daughter, “do not hold on to the steering wheel like a two year old does. It causes the van to sway all over the road.”

            “I’m not going to do that Mom,” I know how to stay straight.”

            “That would be fine if this was a straight road. But it curves.”

            “So how am I doing?”

            “Don’t look at me when you say that.”

            “Mom, why are you pretending that you have a brake?”

            “Why are you looking at my feet?”

            “Mom, I’ve driven this road plenty of times.”

            “You mean once.”

            “No, three.”

            “Three times is not exactly plenty.”

            “Now wasn’t that a good turn?”

            “Yes dear, it was the best turn in the entire history of the world, except for that car that you hit.

            “Mom, there was no car there.”

            “Well if there had been you would have hit it.”

            “Well if there had been a car there, I wouldn’t have turned so wide.”

            “That’s right, you would drive so much better with more traffic on the road.”

            My husband came home from a driving lesson and declared “I’m never letting her drive again! You teach her.”

            “What happened?” I asked smiling.

            “She shone the high beams right into an oncoming car.”

            “I couldn’t see.” My daughter said.

            “Neither could the other driver.” My husband said. “He nearly drove into the lake.”

            So it was up to me. Not only that, but it meant that whenever I picked my daughter up from work I had to take the clunky old van instead of the nice new car, so that she could drive home. There was no way she was going to be allowed behind the wheel of the car.

            “Would you relax.” She said one day on the way home from her work.

            “I am relaxed. I’m having a nice relaxing drive sitting in the passenger’s seat. The next time we do this, could you remind me to bring your brother’s bike helmet and the cell phone?”

            “Well, at least you haven’t freaked out yet.”

            “Not even when you shone your high beams into an oncoming car and almost drove into the ditch trying to shut them off.”

            “Yeah, you were pretty cool about that.”

            “I was speechless.”

            “You know, if you want me to learn how to drive, you’re going to have to let me.”

            “That would be logical. My brain understands that. It’s my body that hasn’t grasped the concept.”

            So I am warning everyone out there as I uncurl my body from its fetal position. My daughter is driving. Please be patient. Mistakes will be made. And keep your fingers to yourselves.

*****

Now that I posted it, could my daughter post in the comments section and tell what happened in drivers ed class and at school after this column appeared in the newspaper.

Frankie, Squeeze My Rubber Duckie!

2011-06-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty easy going when it comes to movies, TV and music. When something questionable comes on I don't put my hands over my ears, shut my eyes and sing "la, la, la, la" until I think it's safe to stop. I have no problem with people who do this unless they tell me that I should do it too. I just choose not to do it because I have a wicked side and I admit it. I know people who only watch G rated movies and still think they're risque. I am also not one to go purposely looking for problems. When a Christian coalition accused Bert and Ernie of being gay, I rolled my eyes. I roll my eyes a lot which may be why the words on medicine bottles have gotten smaller.

My grandchildren are visiting. The fact that I have grandchildren is causing me panic attacks. When did I get old enough to have grandchildren? My birth certificate says I'm old enough, but I swear this whole thing has snuck up on me. Shouldn't there be warning signs? Like alarm systems that go off screaming "Danger" when you reach certain birthdays? Celebrities my age are having children for the first time. When my first grandchild was born I still had young kids. Is it any wonder that I am in denial about my age and my growing sense of foreboding that I am running out of time and I still haven't made a million, gone to Europe, fit back into normal clothes, or been kissed since...since...see, I've forgotten. Memory loss is a sign of old age.

Anyway, with my grandkids here the cable channel Treehouse is on all the time. I don't normally watch Treehouse. It wasn't a station that was on when my kids were little. Sure there were kid shows but not on all day and all night for those two year olds who stay up late partying with beer and drugs. It was while I was watching Treehouse that I became perturbed and realized that I am just not mature enough to handle the material that is being presented. During a one hour period I heard these following statements from various kid shows geared to the pre-school crowd.

"Frankie, squeeze my rubber duckie."
"Spread your legs. Now spread your cheeks."
"Dam the puddle."

I was shocked. I wanted to put my hands over my ears, shut my eyes and sing "la, la, la, la". But it was too late. The damage had been done. My psyche had been irreversibly compromised. I had not been prepared for such phrases. In the past I knew I was going into enemy territory when I watched Sex and the City and so I was prepared for the dangers I would meet there. But this was different. I thought I was safe and so I had not been careful. My 12 and 13 year old were affected by it too. "Frankie, squeeze my rubber duckie" has become a catch phrase around here.

A warning out there. Treehouse is like walking through a landmine.

And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.

2011-06-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

We spent a bit of time today talking in Sunday School about a passage in JSM 8 “ And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.” We looked at the word “offended” and talked about what that meant.

I took issue with some of it. Did I say anything? No. Because Gospel Doctrine class is not a safe place to say anything that doesn't go along with the consensus of the group.

Basically it was stated that when someone is offended then they are the ones at fault.

In some cases I think this is true. We have all been in situations of innocently offending someone. Or been in situations where we disagree with someone and our disagreement causes offense even though we have no intention to offend. We know or may have heard of members who have left the church over something someone has said. And yet I think there is a bit of shirking of responsibility going on with this belief. One person stated something to the effect (I don't dare try to exactly quote someone), “no one can make us feel anything. We choose what we feel. If we're offended we choose to be so.”

Really? If someone comes up to you and calls you stupid or ugly and you're instantly hurt, are you choosing that emotion? Isn't that a natural reaction?

And aren't we creating a “blame the victim” attitude.

Because believe it or not, there are people within the church who are cruel and mean. People who will tell you that you're stupid (yes, it's happened to me), accuse you of being a bad parent (yep, happened to me again), question your faith (yes to me again) go behind your back to the bishop making false accusations while they keep in the shadows not allowing me to know who they are (the me is a give-away) tell you that you're worthless (yep, again), call you a liar (yes it has happened) and blame you for what ever had gone wrong (all this and more has happened to me.)

None of this was accidental. It was not me misinterpreting things. It happened.

A lot of this was done by a leader.

But we're not supposed to speak out against the leaders. We can say they're not perfect, but we still have to accept whatever garbage, punishments, and misjudgegments (withholding of temple blessings, church callings, etc. etc.) that comes from them. We are warned not to say anything or else we are in danger of being an apostate – yep, I've been accused of that one too. Note - I am not saying that we shouldn't be held accountable for our actions and in some cases its necessary to take away church priviledges, but there should be proof or confession, not because a leader doesn't like you or believe you or because its a case of he said/she said and they always believe the priesthood holder because he has the priesthood.

So if we can't speak against the leaders the answer is to suffer alone in silence.

I wonder how many suffer alone in silence and would feel much better if they knew they were not alone. I wonder how many bad things happen that are kept quiet and continue to happen because we are not supposed to speak out against our leaders.

All the leaders are men. If there's a problem between a sister and a leader, then its the leader (the man) who is to be upheld and believed. The sister must at all costs be kept quiet and disbelieved. It is her reputation and standing in the church that is threatened, never his, because he is a leader and therefore innocent of any wrong doing. There might be some who take offense to this - yes I used the word offense - but it stands to reason that if the leaders cannot be questioned and must be followed and all leaders are men, then the sister cannot be supported.

I think this whole thing of saying “if you're offended then it's your own fault” stance is a nice way to let everyone else off the hook. It allows us to say or do anything to each other and not suffer the consequences. “I can tell that sister that she should take better care of her children and if she's offended then oh well, it's her problem.”

And then we wonder why people leave the church and blame them for leaving. "They don't have enough faith. They are not righteous enough. They shouldn't feel hurt when someone says hurtful things."

Why would you stick around if you do not feel loved? If you are not loved? If people chase you away?

I have chosen to stick around. Yes I have been offended. I admit it. I have an off/on switch when it comes to my emotions. Either all my emotions are on and accessible, or none of them are. When I was a teenager my switch was off. I shut everyone out. I had no friends. I didn't care about my family. I chose not to feel emotion. It was an experience that I don't recommend to anyone. Consequently, with my on switch on, I feel things. So when people are mean to me, I get hurt. I get offended. I feel those things strongly just like I feel joy, humor and love. If someone comes up and tells me I'm a bad mother then it hurts and I get offended. If someone comes up and gives me a compliment, then I feel good. Having my on switch on, enables me to love my children and makes me a better mother. It enables me to feel the spirit. It allows me to forgive and understand others. It also causes me pain. The pain I feel is worth the joy I get to have. It's the price. I do not want to give it up in order to not be "offended". It is not that my emotions rely too much on other people, but it is the result of not being an island. I do not live in this world alone and consequently I am affected by other people and other people are affected by me.

So why have I stuck around when I have experienced so much pain within the church? Because it's where the Lord wants me to be. That I know, and I will follow the Lord, not some leader that would lead me off a cliff. Do I expect others who have left over becoming “offended” to understand this? Nope. Instead I understand them and feel compassion for them. Not because I have great spiritual insight – I don't, frankly I'm not a leader in anything and I'm constantly struggling, and no one is looking to me as an example – but because I came so close to leaving myself and only my stubbornness (he is not going to chase me away) and knowing that the Lord wants me there, as well as the example I feel I need to set for my children, has kept me within the church. There were many times I wished I had the money to move away to get distance between myself and a bad leader who told me that I was not spiritual and could not received revelation for my own life, but alas, I was not able to just pick up and go to another stake, another ward, or else I would have. I do not perceive that as running away from problems, but merely as going to a place where I can be better loved and understood.

People can be offended and leave the church over little things. In that case, they are probably on the edge anyway and just looking for an excuse. But sometimes there are big things and big reasons. It is arrogant of us to point fingers at those who have been “offended” and blame them for sorrows that have been heaped upon them by others. It is unfair to ask that people not feel anything when others are being cruel. “We choose how we feel.” Really? If someone punches you in the face with his fist would you not feel physical pain? If they punch you in the face with their words, would you not feel emotional pain? If you are punched in the face with a fist you can go to someone and complain about it and no one would condemn you for it or tell you that you shouldn't feel sore or you shouldn't be damaged. But we are to suffer word punches silently. I feel tremendous empathy and understanding towards those who have left. For now, I have chosen a different path, but I completely understand why they have chosen the other one.

Abuse happens when we keep silent. Leaders have lead people astray. The scriptures are full of examples both ancient and modern. History has shown us, both in and out of the church, examples of leaders who have done atrocities while victims have kept quiet, out of fear, out of respect for the office of the leader, of knowing they will not be believed. The result is that the leader continues to do his misdeeds. What do you do when a leader denies you blessings, for instance the blessings of the temple, because they have misjudged you? What do you do when a leader says “I have the priesthood and you have to abide by me”, again a statement that makes women powerless.

It was also said something to the effect that if we are offended then perhaps there is truth in what was said. Again, really? If someone says something, makes an accusation, then it's true? So if someone comes up to you and says “you're stupid,” then that makes it true? Frankly, I didn't know I had that kind of power that I could run around pointing fingers making all kinds of statements and magically that means they are instantly true.

I have been offended because people have deliberately hurt me. I have chosen not to be offended when I recognize that there was no malicious intent involved and we all say things that can be taken two ways. In this case I choose to look at it in a more positive light and give them the benefit of the doubt. But sometimes deliberate hurt is unmistakable. There are those who would not believe that others in the church would be hurtful. They have led lives where they haven't experienced it and so they believe it doesn't happen. It's like the atheists who haven't experienced God so they come to the conclusion that there is no God because they haven't experienced it.

I have chosen to stay in the church. Fortunately for me there are kind people in my ward as well, who have been there for me and often have a nice thing to say to me. If there are those who disbelieve me, it is perhaps because they themselves are kind and can't imagine why anyone would say those things to a sister.

There is the parable of the lost sheep. We are to search out the lost sheep and bring them home. Perhaps we wouldn't have so many lost sheep if we didn't chase them away. So lets not chase the sheep away. Let's not be wolves in sheep's clothing. Let's not be the mean sheep that turn our backs on others, keeping to our own little cliques and saying nasty things. Then we wouldn't have to search for so many lost sheep.

There is also the story of the prodigal son. I have always felt empathy for the son who stayed home. I think we judge him unfairly yet I think he has a point when he tells his father “ Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment (admittedly an overstatement but lets look at the spirit of it and recognize that he was hurt when he said it): and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends."

Basically I think he's saying “Hold it. I'm here. I've always been here. Why don't you celebrate me? Don't you love me?” If you look at the scripture, he wasn't even invited to the party. No one came and told him that his brother was home. He was left out in the field, working hard, and he was forgotten. Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing. And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant.

Are we doing that? Are we forgetting the ones that are here? Are we not inviting them to the party? Do we fail to celebrate them? Are we failing to love them? Or are we instead blaming them after they leave and saying “well, if they're offended then it is their own fault.”

And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.

When we look at this scripture it's natural to assume that it is the ones who are offended that will do the betrayal and the hating. And certainly there is a case for that. But we can look at this scripture another way. Perhaps there are those who are offended because they have been betrayed and hated.

And maybe that's what she should be focusing on. Not betraying, and not hating, and loving instead, so that people won't be offended and can come to us and solve differences and misunderstandings instead of going away to suffer alone in silence.

Hats! Hats! And More Hats!

2011-05-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

Lady Gaga did not get her inspiration from Madonna. She got it from British Royalty. Anyone who watched any part of the royal wedding knows what I mean. Apparently there was a note on the invitations that instructed the ladies to wear a kooky hat. This is not an unusual request as they are required to wear kooky hats to every function.

Now I'm not against hats. I think there are some lovely hats out there. They can be practical and functional. In the winter they can help keep us warm. In the summer they can keep the sun off our heads. In the spring and fall they can keep the wind from blowing our hair into our eyes which can look sexy in a photo shoot but just makes us look deranged in real life. They also can make a statement, add personality, frame a face, and are a quick solution for a bad hair day. And they can be fun. Like these ones which are all appropriate for a wedding. No baseball caps allowed.

This pretty pink concoction protects her head from the sun and finishes off her outfit nicely.

A little ostentatious with the feathers but still fun and lovely.
It's a head turner but in a positive way.

I call this one the Audrey Hepburn. If I had a hat collection - which I don't because I don't attend things that require pretty hats - it's not the first one I would get, but it would be in my top 10.

This natural straw one makes me think of iced tea, lemonade and cucumber sandwiches.

Now admittedly this black one isn't everybody's cup of tea, but it is fun and funky. I think I would add a thick white or cream band around the crown, just to break up all that black and then it would go great with a black and white or black and cream outfit.

The Queen has never been known as a fashion plate, but take a look at what she wore to the wedding and the races.

See, even she knows what makes a pretty and fun hat. That blue one is even a little whimsical with the slanted crown.

So now that we've established what a great hat is, lets take a look at what people actually wore to some British events. None of these events involved Halloween costumes, clowns, or throwing beads while topless. People actually seriously wore these things on their heads in public.

Did Princess Beatrice start this hat off as a cocoon farm and just waited until they all hatched before presenting this to the world? I heard that butterflies are attracted to dead things. It makes me wonder what is under all those butterflies and sitting on top of her head. Maybe Beatrice is under attack from a swarm. I think I can recreate this hat. I just have to go down to the dollar store and get some fridge magnets.

She decided to do even better at her cousin's wedding. Now she's trying out for the role of the mirror in a Disney production of Snow White. Did she not know this was a wedding and she isn't supposed to upstage the bride? Somebody show this girl her grandmother's hat closet. I'm sure she could find something with a butterfly or a ribbon. Sarah Ferguson, talk to your daughter, an intervention must be done immediately.

This is called a fascinator (I guess because they're fascinating) and they are considered an acceptable alternative to a hat. I think her five year old made this in kindergarten from leftover brooms.

Someone left a cake out in the rain. And I don't think I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again...
Looks like she brought her own snack and enough for the rest of the class.

Some people have compared this to a part of a woman's anatomy, but I won't go there. It does make me think of a tippy canoe.

By the way, when did hats start being worn on the forehead? Is it to cover up wrinkles and acne?

I swear that thing is going to slide right into her face.

Isn't this that ride at the carnival where you step inside, they strap you spread eagled and they spin you around? Or maybe I saw motorcycles spin around in these things. Or maybe it was the rotational paths of the planets.

I don't think Carrie Bradshow oops sorry, Sarah Jessica Parker, was invited to anything royal, but she certainly follows their fashion sense. Now the butterflies are a little more tasteful. Two or three is enough, but I'm wondering if it hurt to have that tree planted in her head, and I did notice that the pinecone is causing her problems staying where it's supposed to be.

I'm not sure what to say about this. Are the roses holding the wall up or is the wall preventing the roses from falling down? Hold it, is that a...I do believe she's wearing a bedpan!

Could someone tell me which country's flag this is?
I think it's only flying at half-mast. Is the country's leader aware that this woman stole their flag?

I guess you couldn't accuse this woman of wearing her heart on her sleeve but I think she can be charged with stealing her baby's mobile.

Fire! Fire!Somebody grab an extinguisher and put this woman's head out!

Proof that we have been invaded by alien life. They attach themselves to the heads of unsuspecting socialites.

Does Mrs. Suess know that someone has stolen her husbands hat designs?

In one house we lived in we had a beautiful lilac tree. I wish we could have taken that tree everywhere we moved. I guess this lady had a beautiful lilac tree too and she figured out how she can always have it with her.

Lady, somebody threw a melon at your head - and it exploded! We know that you didn't really plan that melon because it doesn't even go with that dress.

I wonder what tv shows she gets with that sattelite dish?

First off, David Beckham looks gorgeous. That has nothing to do with hats, I just had to say that. But then, he's not wearing an ugly hat.

She's got that whole sliding down the face thing going. In this case it makes sense because if she wore it on the top of her head it would stab everyone in the eye.

By the way, does this woman ever smile? Does she have grinch teeth? Or no teeth? Or does have so much botox that her facial muscles can't move? Or maybe she is an alien wearing a mask that doesn't allow her to smile. Or maybe if she does smile her face will shatter. Or maybe she isn't happy with Beckham in which case she can send him my way. I do smile.

And now to leave on a happy note, two pictures of fabulous hats that should never be worn anywhere unless you are wearing the fabulous costumes that go with them.

Elections and Weddings

2011-04-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

It's election time...again. I'm working the polls and I'm getting paid so it works fine for me, but it's costing Canada a fortune.

Our set up is quite different from the States even though we're both a democracy. To be honest, I think the states has a better system. There are three changes I would like to see to our democratic process, things that the States does.

1. Have an election every four years. The way it is now they have an election anytime they want to. It becomes a game, especially when there's a minority government (minority means that they have less seats than the combination of other governments). You can see the other parties gang up on the elected party. You can see the elected party doing things to force a vote in hopes of getting more seats. If they all knew that there was only a vote once every four years then they could spend more time actually working instead of playing the game "when shall we have another election."

2. Limit an individual from being the prime minister to two terms. Remember Trudeau? He was in power for like a hundred years. It was like having a king that wouldn't die. He's responsible for the metric system, French being on everything (even though English isn't), and Margaret.

3. Allow us to actually vote for our prime minister. Put his/her name on the ballot and let us put an x there. Right now the prime minister is determined by how many seats his/her party wins. I remember one year I wanted one guy from a party to represent me, but I didn't want his party leader to be prime minister. You can have a great representative be in the wrong party. So make it two separate votes. One for your local rep and one for the prime minister.

4. Yes I know I said three but I just thought of a fourth. Allow our representatives to represent us. When King Mulrooney was in power he kicked out people who didn't agree with him. There should be room for dissention and our reps should be able to vote according to how they think the people they represent want them to vote, not according to what the prime minister tells them.

So there we go.

By the way, did anyone watch the wedding? Yes, I did stay up. It's history in the making. The dress was beautiful and she was glowing. I remember the other wedding - yes I am that old. The dress was overwhelming and Diana didn't look very happy. As it turns out she wanted to run and she should have but then we wouldn't have had this wedding. Let's hope that William and Katherine's (could you get any more regal sounding names?) marriage is a long and happy one. Will seems like a much better man than his father and might actually take those vows he made today seriously - unlike his lying, cheating dad(can you tell that all my sympathy went to Di?), and Kate seems far better prepared than Diana.

Cross Stitch, Quilting, Knitting, Sewing, Craft, UFO Rotation = Procrastination

2011-04-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

I am supposed to be studying for my Art History exam. Instead I'm blogging about something I did last week when I was supposed to be writing essays and my take home exams. Because that's what I do, anything except what I'm supposed to.

See my title. Designed to appeal to the masses. Some of you may ask "what the heck is that?" So for the uninformed let me explain.

Cross Stitch - a needleart that entails putting little x's on fabric to make a picture. You wouldn't think something so basic, so simple, would be so fascinating, but it's like painting with thread.

UFO - this has nothing to do with little green men, ET, being beamed up by Scottie, or a call for medication. It means Unfinished Object.

Rotation - a system for finishing UFO's.

So now we have that clear I have a confession to make. I have 15 of those cross stitch UFO's. What's more, some of them are older than some of my children, and my youngest is 11.

So after doing a google search I've designed a UFO that I think might work. And for those of you with your own stash of UFO's you can give this a try. No, this is not going to solve the world's problems, this is so I don't have to study.

1. Find all your UFO's and works in progress. This might mean looking under the bed, in closets, in your wheat barrels, in abandoned purses and under the kitchen sink.

2. Look them all over. Do you want to finish that cross stitch picture of an all black puppy for great aunt Mabel even though Great Aunt Mabel is gone now and your eyes go buggy with all those shades of black and you never were a dog person? Is that jacket with peacocks all over it and humongous shoulder pads still something you're going to want to wear when you do finish it? How many crocheted washcloths do you still need? Weed out the stuff you don't like anymore. Give it away, throw it away or take it apart and reuse the materials. It's okay. It's no longer worth your time. You are not a failure. Let it go. We all have projects we were initially excited about but grew to dread.

3. Make sure all your projects are in bags with the materials.

4. Make a list of all your projects. Try to organize your list according to what you want (or need) to finish first. If you have an extra big project you might want to put it near the bottom of your list. You'll see why in a minute. Try to vary your list so you don't have the same type of thing all in a row.

5. Here's where the rotation part comes in. The number one item on your list is your focus piece. Work 10 hours on your number one and then work 10 hours on your number 2 piece. Then go back and work another 10 hours on your number one piece, then work 10 hours on your number three piece. Do you see where I'm going on this? Work down your list in 10 hour increments alternating with your focus piece.

6. Eventually you will get the number 1 piece finished (because you are working on it more than on anything else). You might even get another piece on your list finished. That's great. When number one piece is finished then your number two piece is your focus piece and you continue through your rotation alternating with your new focus piece. If you happen to finish one of your other pieces you can then go back to your focus piece for 10 hours and then continue with your rotation.

7. Now here comes the fun part. Once you go through your rotation - you can start something new. What! I know, you're trying to get things finished, not start new things, but lets face it, the reason we have UFO's is because we're starters not finishers and if we can't look forward to starting something new we just might suddenly go crazy and start a whole whack of new things as a form of rebellion. Besides this is supposed to be enjoyable. I bet you have a huge stack of things you've been wanting to start. So, you get to start a new one - but only at the end of your rotation.

8. When you've rotated through everything and added a new project (if you wish), then start over again from the top.

You can see why I suggested that big projects be put at the end of your list. You need to have some finishes and you won't if you get bogged down at the beginning with a big piece. Eventually it will be your focus piece but you'll already have put in a lot of hours on it.

So that's what I did with precious time last week. And now I'm blogging about it when I could blog about all the answers for world peace, saving the planet, and answering the great unanswerable question "Why do people like Charlie Sheen get to make millions doing fun stuff and I (who has never yet served time in prison, an addiction facility, spent time with prostitute) don't?"

My New Baby is Acers

2010-08-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

I had every intention of being good and blogging and writing.

My computer had other ideas.

First it moved slow. Like, lets read a book while I wait for things slow.

Then it crashed.

When I got it back after half of it had been amputated, it moved slow as in, let's get a sandwich, wash the dishes and sweep the floor while I wait slow.

I made sure I got all my valuable stuff, like my writing and my grandkids pictures onto my external hard drive.

Then it got slow like, lets watch an episode of Smallville while I eat that sandwich, do some laundry, run some errands, bake cookies, and organize my filing system while I wait slow.

Last year everyone popped up at school with those little netbooks that had all the same memory and capabilities of my 900 pound laptop. I wanted one. I craved one. Yes, I coveted one. But I couldn't justify getting one when I had a perfectly fine laptop.

I think a computer crash and a laptop so slow that I have to shave my legs in between wait times justifies getting a netbook. Especially since I'm a student and a supposed writer.

So now I have a little netbook. It doesn't require a bag the size of a microwave, it weighs less than the fillings in my teeth, it has all the capabilities and more that my laptop had at it's coming out party, and it's purple. Yes purple. The geniuses that created computers were like Ford who said that people could have any color car they wanted as long as it was black. Computer companies were like that too, although they went with grey and beige. But now we can have computers in all kinds of colors and some even come with designs.

I loved my laptop when I first got it. It promised mobility that I didn't have with my previous desktop, and I did take it places as long as I didn't have to carry it too far, and it was better and faster than my desk top, but computers don't have a long life and their tickers slow and down and stop working and by then new computers come along that offer so much more for half the price.

Yeah, the netbook is less than half the price that I paid for my laptop. Computer prices have dropped dramatically in the past three years.

By next year I'm sure my little netbook will be obsolete. But I'm happy now.

One change, I would make it so that I could rotate the programs on the screen so I could read it like an ebook sometimes.

General Conference Online Bookclub: You Are My Hands - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

2010-07-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

Take a moment to read the following and then come back here.

You Are My Hands

There is so much in this beautiful talk that I don't know where to begin. I'd like to cut and paste the whole thing but there might be copyright issues with that.

I've always loved the story of the Christ statue without hands and the one President U. told of the two brothers was touching.

We are Christ's hands. People ask, especially atheists; How can there possibly be a god when so many bad things happen in the world? People are starving, why doesn't God fix it? People are oppressed, if He can do anything and loves us why doesn't He stop it?

But if God did fix it, if He came down each time and rescued the poor and destitute, the oppressed and suffering, then we wouldn't. We simply wouldn't help if we knew that He was going to just come along and fix everything. We would not learn how to care for others, how to sacrifice, how to work and solve problems and think for ourselves. And is that the kind of people that God wants to create? We are His hands, for if we always expected him to use His hands, we would cease to use ours.

I loved the following quote in this talk:

One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, “I have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill—crumpled, torn, dirty, abused, and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like much and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the full 20 dollars.”

We are all battered and bruised, some more so than others. It irks me to no end when I hear "they are blessed because they follow the gospel" or something similar. It insinuates that those who struggle, who face hardships, often continual hardships are not righteous. That they create their own mess. And yes, some people do create their own mess. But many, try to live righteous lives and still face one difficulty after another. You can exercise and eat right and follow the word of wisdom and the law of chastity, and still get seriously sick. You can get an education and still not find a job. You can love your spouse with all your heart and treat them the right way, and they can still walk away from you. You can teach your children in righteousness and they can still go down wrong paths making unwise choices. You can take care of your home and earthly goods and have it all taken away in a moment by a fire or tornado. You can walk in safe places and be a victim of a crime. You can manage your finances wisely and a disaster can leave you bankrupt. You can even read your scriptures and pray every day and not hear God sometimes.

There's the story of how Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died. I've often wondered why he wept when he knew that Lazarus was fine even if he did stay dead. But by example Christ taught: and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, - Mosiah 18:9. Christ wept not only because he had an earthly body and would miss his friend, but also because his friends mourned.

I read on someone's blog that they learn more from people who have struggled and suffered, and maybe that is why some seem to have the lives of Job. They struggle and suffer so that others may be His hands.

We don't know.

I know I don't know. But then God never promised that following Him would be easy. I can only cling to what I know. That He lives, that Jesus died for our sins and paid the price, all I have to do is accept.

*****************************
General Conference Talks Bookclub was started by Diapers and Divinity. You can read and comment about what she says about this talk here. To join you can click the button on my sidebar or go here.

Bill Rancic Wants My Son

2010-06-02T15:38:00.001-07:00

It came in the mail. An invitation to my son to attend a seminar that will teach him to buy bankrupted properties for pennies on the dollar. And just for attending he gets a free digital camera too. Plus Bill Rancic, the winner of the first "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump will be there or at least his picture will be there with appropriate quotes.

Does Bill Rancic know that my son is is 12 years old?

"Have you been running an entrepreneurial business that I know nothing about?" I asked him, trying to picture this. His idea of hard work is taking out the garbage.

"Not that I know of. But we should go. We get a free camera."

"It's not that I don't want to learn how to get a half million dollar house for 20,ooo bucks, but I don't have the 20,000 bucks either."

"Yeah, but we get a free camera. A free digital camera."

"Honey, it's not what it promises to be."

"But Mom, it's a free camera, just for showing up."

Yeah, like I'm going to trust a free camera from a group of people that thinks my 12 year old is a multi-millionaire.

Boy, working for Trump has rubbed off on Bill. And that can't be good.

******
Check out my latest book review. Beastly by Alex Flinn.

Not Writing

2010-05-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

I now have time to write.

Instead I blog, I discover new blogger backgrounds, I think about doing my family history, I think about that book of poetry I want to put together, I find a really cool Jane Austen book in Chapters that looks like a scrapbook and wonder how I can get my journal or poetry book to look like that, I think about those blog backgrounds and I end up looking up digital scrapbooking.

Big mistake.

Because now I want to play with that instead of writing something that might sell.

I love writing once I get into the "zone", but getting to that zone becomes something I put off. It's like a journey I know I want to go on but the packing is overwhelming, so instead I clean, organize, surf the net, exercise, surf the net, oh who knows what I end up doing instead of real writing.

I only have myself to blame.

I have a guest post on Blog Segullah. Chasing Rainbows

I also discovered that an article that I wrote for my college newspaper is on the net. An Old Dog Learns New Tricks

And to read about what I said about Phyllis A. Whitney and a review of two of her books, go to Views from Hobbit Hole.

If I type in my name to a search engine I get me, which can be disconcerting because it also brings up everything I ever said on other people's blogs.

And for those of you who remember momsense from Anita Renfroe, here's another. This woman is brilliant. I showed it to my 10 year old daughter who's a Tayor Swift fan and she was horrified. "Bad Mom!" she exclaimed. "That's just wrong."

Motorcycles, Vampires and Spike and Snarl

2010-05-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, folks, she's back. Aunt Madge is back offering her advice. Sigh.

"Sigh, you sigh? Like it's a bad thing? I give great advice. I knew I should have stayed and run your blog while you were off at school, but no, I had to go travel the world..."

"You did not travel the world."

"You don't know what I did. You were too busy not learning Spanish."

"Can we not talk about the Spanish please?"

"We'll talk about motorcycles instead. Just go over to my blog at Ask Aunt Madge.

"Motorcycles? You're giving advice on motorcycles? Have you ever been on a motorcycle?"

"I had one."

"A motor scooter that you have to pedal to get going is not the same thing."

"Just go read the post."
***************************************************************************
Things that make you go hmmm.

First time novelist Elizabeth Kostova received an advance of 2 million dollars for her 2005 book, "The Historian", a novel about Vlad the Impaler.

Where can I get that deal? Because I can't think of anyone who needs it more than me.

***************************************************************************
A story of mine will be featured at Blog Segullah on Sunday.

Cindy Beck mentions me in her blog post about Spike and Snarl. Thanks Cindy!

Hey Mom, Can I Have a Beer?

2010-05-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation with a teenage girl.

According to her, many of her friends are raised in homes where alcohol is served to them at fairly young ages. We're talking 1o year olds here. Having a can of beer or a glass of wine with your parents is just a part of life for these kids.

Now I'm aware that many parents will give their underage teenagers alcohol because "they're going to drink anyway and I'd rather they did it under my roof where I know they're safe." I'm not even going to discuss that logic. But giving alcohol to 10 year olds is a new one to me.

I come from an alcoholic home. My parents found it amusing when I was 5 to see my reaction when I took a sip of beer or wine. I figured out at a fairly early age (12) that if I didn't want to become an alcoholic then I better just stay away from the stuff altogether. I firmly believe that although alcoholism is classified as a disease, unlike other diseases which you can get no matter how many precautions you take, alcoholism is completely preventable simply by never partaking. You can't become an alcoholic if you never drink alcohol. Pretty simple.

But what if you're served alcohol at a young age? What if you're not old enough to make an informed decision? What if you don't know that there is a choice?

I'm not suggesting that everyone who drinks is going to become an alcoholic. Many people are able to enjoy a glass of wine at dinner or a beer at a football game without a problem, but the thing is there is no way of knowing who will be able to handle it and who won't.

And parents who think nothing of giving their children (and I do mean children) alcohol don't strike me as the type of people who drink responsibly and within moderation. I admit I could be wrong on that but it doesn't sound responsible to encourage your children to drink. If a child is wired to become an alcoholic then you can't teach them to drink responsibility and before you know it you've got a teenager with an addiction.

Out of all the drugs that are a problem with teenagers, alcohol is the number one with tobacco as two. Both legal substances that are easy for kids to get their hands on.

Now, I'm not the type to advocate entering people's homes and playing Big Brother. But I can't help but wonder what these parents are thinking.

I realize that not everyone has my aversion to alcohol nor my absolute no-drinking stance no matter what age, but what's wrong with waiting until your kids are legally adults and bear the responsibility themselves?

I'm Back

2010-05-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am back. Now if I can just remember how to do this.

I've gone back to school. I'm an English major and just finished my first year. Why go back at 40 something and hang around a bunch of people who are not only younger than some of my children, but younger than shoes I have? Well, it ain't easy finding work, and writing, unless your Stephen King, J.K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer just doesn't pay the bills.

So there I am writing poetry, taking drama classes and trying to learn Spanish and not writing in my blog because who has time? But my first year is finished, my exams are all done, the final marks are in and I even squeezed in a weekend playwrighting workshop where my play was read by professional actors.

So now I'm back. Back to real writing, back to blog writing, back to Aunt Madge and book reviews and back to rejection slips, at least until September when it's back to school.

Cheating and a Little Late

2009-07-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's the 7th today. Seven days after Canada Day. We celebrate it here on the July 1st but I'm too lazy to stay on top of things.

So here's a post from a couple of years ago and a quiz. Do you know all the answers? Some of the answers? To be fair I didn't ask anything in the quiz that I couldn't answer myself about Americans (and it's a lot harder to memorize 50 states than 10 provinces and 2 territories.)

Sorry no prizes. I'm poor. It's just for fun.

So here's the post...

I am grateful that I live in a country where I can speak as I please. I am not discriminated against because I'm a woman. I can worship any way I want to. If my child is sick he/she can receive free care and I don't have to lose everything I own in the process. I can receive an education. I can buy property. My choices are mine, not one told to me by government. There is food to eat even though I'm poor. I have shelter. There are laws to protect me but not to infringe on my freedom. I know there are other great countries in the world and I know that Canada ranks up there as one of the best. There are things I don't like about Canada (like the weather) but many I do. I'm also grateful for the good neighbors we have in the U.S.

And for you non-Canadians there, here's a test to see how much you know about Canada. It's an easy test and based on the things I know about the states.

1. Can you name the 10 provinces and 3 territories?
2. Who is the current prime minister?
3. Who was the first prime minister of Canada?
4. What is the capital of Canada and where is it?
5. What three oceans surround Canada?
6. What's the official language?
7. What's the national anthem?
8. What's the official emblem?
9. What's the official animal?
10. What figurehead/symbol is on all Canadian money and what color is our money?

Did you know that land wise Canada is the second largest country in the world. Only Russia is bigger. Canada and the US share the longest border in the world. Canada has the most coastline in the world, and although we don't have a tropical paradise like Hawaii, California or Florida, we do have one of the largest rain forests in the world. It's on Vancouver Island where I'm originally from.

*****
Book Review: To Have Or To Hold by Josi S. Kilpack Take a moment and see what I have to say about this LDS author's work.

Giveaway: Anne Bradshaw from Not Entirely British is giving away a book. Pursued by Lynn Gardner. It looks like an exciting mystery adventure.

"I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up"

2009-06-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

My friend Trisha came to church with us Sunday. At the end of church, when I dropped of my mother at her apartment building, Trisha got out of the van to change seats and consequently fell on the sidewalk while attempting to close the sliding door. How she did it I don't know. But she did, and then she couldn't get back up. She has a bad ankle and she's a little on the heavy side, which is not a judgement on my part because I am too. Okay, I'm a lot on the heavy side.

So I'm trying to get her back up, and then my 75 year old mother, who is also on the heavy side and has a walker, and has purple legs due to some condition, decides to help Trisha. Before I know it, Mom comes over without her walker and bends down to help pull Trisha up. I could see what would happen. I knew what was going to happen. I tried to stop it from happening, but before I could tell Mom to stop whatever she was doing, my mother fell down.

If we thought getting Trisha up was a problem, (she did get up) it was nothing compared to helping my mother off the ground. She was unhurt (except for banging her head) but she simply could not get her legs under her to get herself up even with help. And she was wearing a skirt.
"No, don't help me anymore," she said after several attempts, which I can't blame her for since I was useless.

We called 911.

Once I knew my mother was okay and it was only her dignity on the line, I could see the humor in the situation and the resulting domino effect.

“Tell them I've fallen and I can't get up,” my mother told Trisha who was on the phone with the dispatcher.

“She wants to know how far she's fallen,” Trisha said.

“She fell from standing to sitting,” I replied.

Three handsome paramedics, who looked like actors in a show about paramedics rather than real paramedics, came and immediately asked my mother if her head and neck were okay and if she had any injuries.

“I just need help getting up,” she insisted.

One cute paramedic asked Trisha and me what happened. When we explained the situation he couldn't help laughing.

“It's a good thing you didn't fall down too,” Trisha said to me. "Can you imagine all of us lying in the grass unable to get up?"

“I would have gotten myself up again,” I said wanting to maintain my dignity in front of these guys who like I said, looked like they belonged on a television show instead of in front of my mother's building.

They managed to get my mother on her feet easily because that's what big, strong, handsome paramedics do.

“Do you want me to walk you to your apartment?” I asked her.

“No, I can get there myself,” she insisted. “I'm independent.

“All right,” I nodded allowing her some shred of dignity.

You can bet those guys went back to the fire station and had a good laugh.

I swear I saw this episode on Emergency.

My nine-year old daughter having overheard my remark about being able to get myself up couldn't resist saying "Two grandma's, one who can get up and one who can't."

My life is a sitcom.

*****
To enter a giveaway for a gift certificate and find out more about LDSWA go to Anne Bradshaws blog Not Entirely British.

The Dream Scheme Part 2: Do the Math

2009-06-01T19:14:00.000-07:00

Some of you few, very few, will recall that I wrote about the great Dream Scheme. You can read about it here. The Dream Scheme Part 1. Or you can just scroll down several posts and read the others on the way.

So for the Dream Scheme 2 we're going to do a little math. Stop groaning. I'll do the math, just follow along.

When you're approached with the great money making opportunity you will be told that it's simple, all you have to do is get five people to join and then help them get five, and so on and so on and so on. The concept being that you will make a percentage off of each of these people. It's so easy. After all it's only five people out of the hundreds that you know. Apparently you do know hundreds. The Dream Scheme people have statistics to show this. You just think about all the people you run into at church, work, your kid's school, clubs, places you volunteer, the shops you frequent, your old school friends, the doctor's office - anyone you have ever met and will meet. Surely you can find five people who will want to share in this great opportunity. Once you get them then you can help them with their five. It's so doable. Now lets doable the math.

Level 1 - Start with you. 1 person =1
Level 2 - Get 5 to join = 5 + you = 6
Level 3 - Those 5 people get 5 more each. 5x5=25 + 6 = 31
Level 4 - 25 people get 5 more each. 25x5=125 + 31 = 156
Level 5 - 125 people get 5 more each. 125X5=625 +156=781
Level 6 - 625 people get 5 more each. 625x5=3125 + 781=3906
Level 7 - 3125 people get 5 more each. 3125X5=15,625 + 3125 =18,750
Level 8 - 15,625 people get 5 more each. 15,625X5=78,125 + 18,750 = 96,875
Level 9 - 78,125 people get 5 more each. 78,125X5=390,625 +96,875 = 487,500
Level 10 - 390,625 people get 5 more each. 390,625X5=1,953,125 +487,500=2,440,625

Okay at level 10 we're at over 2 million people.
Level 11 has us at over a billion people.
By level 12 you've come to a number large than the population of the earth.

And what level do you actually start at? You know it's not number 1.

But you may say, no one is going to have those numbers.

Exactly. You can't get that many people to join. If you did, who would be left to do the actual work? Including making those products you're supposed to be selling.

So somewhere along the line someone is not making those numbers. They're failing. In fact pretty well everyone is failing, and they're being taken doing it because they have to invest in those products and tapes and everything else to stay in the business.

The only ones making money are the ones at the top. And it isn't you. And if it is, you're doing it by taking advantage of others. If you're seriously thinking of joining find out what level you're at in the great scheme and why is it that all those ahead of you haven't done the 5x5x5 thing because if they have, where are all those people?

*****
Lori Copeland has been writing for around 30 years now and has almost a hundred books to her name. Go to Welcome to Morning Shade for a review of three of her books.

And for a contest to win the book Easterfield by Anna Jones Buttimore go to Not Entirely British.

Someone's In the Kitchen...

2009-05-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

I got a call from my friend Trisha today who's investigating the church. “Do you have the number for the missionaries? The Elder I talked to yesterday at church gave me the wrong one. Everytime I call it, they answer that it's someone's kitchen.”

“That's odd,” I said. “Here let me look it up.” I looked it up and gave it to her.

“That's the same number I have. It sounds like the name of a business? Are they living at someone's kitchen?”

“I don't know,” I answered puzzled.

“Could you call them and find out for me?”

So I dialed the number. The voice on the other end answered, “Hello, this is Elder Kitchen.”

I am not making this up.

My Thoughts on American Idol

2009-05-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

I've been watching American Idol since season 2. When this season began to unfold I decided my two favorites were Matt and Kris. Soon though as I watched Adam do some amazing things, like singing really well, he replaced Matt as one of my favorites.

Two completely different performers are Adam and Kris and yet I liked them both. Adam knew when to scream, he knew when to keep it soft, he knew that women like me would like to see his hair slicked back looking like a cross between Elvis Presley, John Travolta and Zach Efron in Hairspray. He was more than an amazing singer, he was a performer. And we never knew what he would do next. He was willing to take a chance, and either succeed fantastically or take a face plunge in the dirt.

On the other hand Kris, like Adam, could take a song and make it his own, however, his own were often stripped down versions. He was best with his guitar or at the piano. Adam was "watch my world and see how wild I can be". Kris invited you into his world and made you feel like he was singing to you in his home while enjoying an ice cold coke. He didn't need to scream to get his point across. He sang with strength yet softness. He appeared to be enjoying himself as much as Adam, just in a quieter way.

I was always anxious to see what these two would do next. You never knew how they were going to change a song, only that they were.

I figured Adam would win as did everyone else. His performances were just too unique and often outrageous not to. Besides he was able to hit notes that only dogs could hear. I hoped for a showdown between him and Kris thinking that Kris would be a nice second placer which wouldn't hurt him in the least. While everyone was thinking it would be a Danny Gokey/Adam finale, I ended up predicting it correctly because - well I always have. See I have a sixth sense about these things. I've always predicted who would win (well except for the Ruben/Clay fiasco but I was a newbie then).

And then the final performance night came and I realized several things:

1. Although Adam was fun to watch for one song, it was too much to listen to the over the top screaming for three songs. Instead of enjoying it, I started feeling anxious and wondered if my stove was on fire, my headlights were on and if I forgot another doctor's appointment. Would I want to listen to an Adam Lambert CD for an hour? Probably not. Would I want to listen to a Kris Allen CD for an hour? You bet. He didn't make me think that there might be a stranger trying the back door. Adam might give a more exciting concert, but wouldn't it get a little tired after awhile? Maybe Kris' concert would be just as enjoyable and I could feel secure that my house would still be standing when I got back. Hey, I know it doesn't make sense but I can't help it.

2. The finale song was written for Adam's voice. Even Kara, the co-writer pointed out to Kris that the key was too high for him. What? Did they say "Hey lets write a song that will make Kris suck?" Only it didn't make Kris suck. But why did they write a song just for one of the contestants? Don't they always talk about song choice and finding the right song for the right singer, and then they stick a song and an arrangement (you can bet they wouldn't let Kris rearrange it) to a guy that it just doesn't suit. This smacked of Idol being way to sure of themselves about who would win.

3. The judges gave Kris speeches that signified basically that he wasn't going to win, but gee, he was such a great guy and talented too and golly gee, what a great contenda.

I couldn't help thinking that maybe the American people wouldn't want to be so blatantly manipulated and maybe the quiet guy with the guitar and the strong yet gentle voice might win. And then suddenly I realized that I wanted Kris to win.

Results night only confirmed it. So much of it was geared towards Adam's drama. He performed with smoke and wild costumes with Kiss, and later his number with Kris and Queen was suited to his voice and style again, not Kris'. It was wild, it was exciting, it was all over the top just like Adam and Kris was getting stomped on.

And yet I preferred the remarkable duet Kris did with Keith Urban. It was strong and fun, and he held his own with a guy who's sold millions of records around the world and appeals to a wide variety of people. I love Kieth Urban, my kids like Keith Urban, Keith Urban is genuinely liked and admired in the business, and he's current.

"Wouldn't it be cool if Kris won?" I said to my daughter. "It would be the biggest upset ever on the show."

"But he won't, Adam will win," my daughter replied.

And so I really wanted Kris to win. It would be the last unexpected twist in a season where we had two contestants who did the unexpected. And frankly I honestly believe that Kris could have a longer career than Adam. For one thing, he won't be wrecking his vocal chords.

And so when Kris name was announced, I screamed. I've never screamed before at the results. It was one of shock, and admittedly joy because my initial pick, the underdog, the dark horse, the pussy cat, the guy who for some reason everyone compares to an animal, the guy no one thought could, won.

His humility "Adam should have won" was just an example of what kind of guy he is. Adam's graciousness was wonderful as well.

In the end, it doesn't really matter who wins. As has been proven in the past, winning or losing is not a major factor with a singers success. Yes, Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood were able to make extremely successful careers out of it, but then so were Chris Daughtry, Jennifer Hudson and Clay Aiken.

I'm hoping that both Kris and Adam will do well. They both deserve it.

*****

I've posted a book review. Read "Might As Well Laugh About It Now by Marie Osmond.

Adventures at the Wedding Part 1

2009-05-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

"I only have enough helium for the balloons," the bride's mother, Marilyn*, informed me. "So we can't have anyone playing with the helium."

I nodded. "I'll keep the boys away," I said, secretly thinking that it was me that should be kept away from it.

My son had been married in the Seattle Temple the previous day to a lovely young woman. It had been a glorious beautiful afternoon and the couple looked estatic. Now we were all in Burnaby, a suburb of Vancouver, decorating the church gym for the reception that evening.

Later that morning while talking to my 24 year old daughter, Claire*, about an archway that needed decorating, my 15 year old daughter ran up to us. "The balloons are all blown up and there's still helium left."

Claire and I took one look at each other and made a dash for the little room that housed the helium tank.

There's nothing like singing with chipmunk voices to draw a family close together. "You guys," I said to the five of my children who were in that room with me, "don't be so loud or Marilyn will find out."

"Marilyn will find out what?" Marilyn said, poking her head around the door.

I looked guiltily at her, my mouth filled with helium. I gulped. "The balloons are all blown up," I squeaked.

"All right," she said and then disappeared.

The next day at brunch and present opening my now-married eldest son turned to me and said sternly, "So I heard you said to the others while sucking on helium to be quiet or Marilyn would find out."

"You heard about that?" I cringed.

"Marilyn told me."

"And what did you think when you heard that?"

He grinned. "I thought, 'that's my family'."

*Names have been changed to protect...well, me.

****

A post on Cindy Becks website made me remember something my 18 year old told me.

"It was once said that the U.S would get a black president when pigs fly. A hundred days into Barrak Obama's presidency, swine flu."

*****
There's another give-away at Anne Bradshaw's website. This time it's a couple of CD's by Jesse Clark Funk.

The Dream Scheme - Part 1

2009-04-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

I think I’ve figured out how to make a fortune.

First you’ve got to set up a marketing concept. Put yourself at the top, gather a few friends, (you’re going to need them to show that money can be made) let them in on it and put them underneath you in the shape of a pyramid. Now you need a product so that you’re not a pyramid scheme and can call yourself a legal business.

It could be anything because it’s not really the product that matters. It’s the marketing concept that matters.

So then you need to pick something that every one needs. How about personal care items? Soap and toothpaste are good options. So are vitamins and weight loss products especially since everyone is looking for the magic cure these days. Later on you can branch off a bit to water purifiers, cosmetics and groceries. Make sure you price your items very high. After all, your buyers will not be comparison shoppers. You’re going to teach them about loyalty to the product. In fact, you’re going to tell them that they have to spend 500 bucks a month on the product so that they can make money.

Pick a name. Call it The Dream Scheme or some other name that conjures up visions of success. You can always change the name later if there’s any trouble.

Now you’ve got to get people. Trick them into coming to a meeting. You could tell them you’re having a party or offer to take them out to dinner, but get them there somehow. Once you have them trapped, tell them that people who have jobs will never get anywhere. Tell them that people who own their own businesses are miserable and unhappy. Tell them that the only real way to make money is to join your company. Show them that if they buy the product, they’ll get money back, then show them that if they can get a bunch of other people to sign up under them they can earn money off of those people. Just like that old shampoo commercial (I told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on…) Only don’t limit it to two. Suggest they get 5 or even 10 friends. And then their people can get 5 or 10 more. Of course these numbers can get to like 100 billion people, but people won’t think about that and it looks good on paper. Point out that anyone who doesn’t want to join is either stupid or scared. Tell these people that it will only take a few hours a week.

Someone is going to be unhappy in their job. Play on that. Don’t forget to pull out the pictures of mansions and yachts. Focus on their greed. Be sure to tell them that a few hours a week now, will mean a lifetime of freedom later. Make sure you say that they will be helping others. It will make them feel good.

Now you need to make up bunches of instructional CD’s and hold lots of seminars. Charge your people for it. Charge lots for them. Especially the seminars. You can make a bundle here. Say that they don’t have to go to seminars or buy CD’s – unless they want to be successful.

Later on when these people are working a few hours and struggling, tell them they need to work harder. Point out that a few hours a week is not going to get them anywhere. Reassure them that a few babysitters now will mean much more for their kids later. Tell them the reason they're not doing well is because they’re not buying enough instructional tools. They need to buy more CDs and DVDs, go to more seminars, and buy more product.

Tell them that everybody is a candidate. Get them to think about the company 24/7 or they might miss a great opportunity. Even vacations and family outings are times to work the business.

If someone starts making a little money, encourage them to “live the dream”. This is when you can tell them that you can get them a deal on a car. Of course the deal won’t be any better than at a car lot, in fact make sure he pays more. Emphasize the company loyalty thing. This way, they buy the car from you (more money in your pocket) and then you can also make a percentage from being their upline. Plus it’s a great way to show all those others that people can make money doing this and your car buyer will think he’s getting a great deal because he’s getting some money back. Reassure him that the debt he goes into will be little compared to the money he’ll make.

Don’t forget to tell your people that there will be “negative” people in their life who will tell them that it won’t work. Tell your people to get rid of all negative people in their life even if its close friends and family members. You only want them surrounded by positive people who are in the business or want to join. Make sure their social circle is only made up of company people.

Be sure to tell them that God wants this for them and they’ll be serving God by doing this business.

Make sure people believe that they are close to the top. No one wants to be on the bottom. People on the bottom don’t make money for themselves, they make money for others. Of course they don’t need to know that they are the people on the bottom.

Don’t focus too much on the products. It’s not products you’re selling, it’s a concept. The product is just something tangible to hang the whole thing on and to make sure you’re working within the law. Of course for people to stay in the business they have to buy a lot of product, but remind them that the more product they buy, the more money they’ll make.

And don’t forget to show them the tax breaks. Tell them they can write off their car and house and utilities. Tell them that the taxman will pay them, and they won’t be paying the taxman.

Of course the only people really making money will be you and your friends on the top of the pyramid scheme. Oops, not scheme, dream. It’s a dream. Make sure you say this word over and over again.

And I bet you, if you follow these steps, you’ll make a fortune.

---------
I wrote this several years ago and post it here now in hopes of informing someone. I just read a book called Merchants of Deception that reminded me of this particular column (which by the way my editor refused to publish because he thought it was too controversial and would upset too many people). Hey, but I'm not afraid of a little controversy.

I will be doing a series on MLM's (multi-level marketing) and pyramid schemes. Note, this is not the same thing as the home party businesses. Those businesses are legitimate although they might share some characteristics of MLM's just as MLM's will sometimes do home parties.

And go read my review of Merchants of Deception. You can also get a link to obtaining a free copy of the book there.

That 25 Thing List

2009-02-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

If you're on Facebook at all you've been asked by everybody to list 25 things about yourself that people might not know. I'm finally succumbing to that, so here it is.

1. Hah! Drawing a blank already. I wrote a humor column for several years about my life so I must have given everything away then. Let me think. My second toe is longer than my first toe - on both feet. They do match.

2. No one has ever broken up with me. I've done the breaking up. Yep, left littered hearts all over the place.

3. I haven't had a date since my divorce six years ago. I know, it's pathetic. I haven't met a single man in that time either. Where do they all go when they get divorced? Do they just drop off the face of the earth? Do they all buy sail boats and drift around the world? Do they go on adventures to the center of the earth? What happens to them? Isn't it pathetic that I actually admit to this?

4. I'm a convert to the LDS church. When I was 17 Elder Smith and Elder Smith came to my door and taught me about Joseph Smith. It's a good thing I knew about the Osmonds otherwise I would have thought everyone's last name was Smith.

5. I collect things. I still have my record collection from the seventies, my books from when I was a kid and my first watch from when I was five (it's a necklace watch from my godmother). I also have dolls, teapots, cross stitch supplies and lots of dust. I'm not especially attached to the dust, I'm just lazy and if I don't disturb it, it doesn't make me sneeze or itch. We seem to have a deal.

6. I'm very good at needlework. I've been paid to do it and have had my work on the front of a magazine and charts. The trouble is, cross stitch takes forever and pays almost nothing. I decided it wasn't worth it to do a project I hated just to make next to nothing. So cross stitch is a hobby. I do very elaborate pieces with beads and specialty stitches and specialty threads. I have about 20 projects started and several hundred waiting for me. I'm trying to figure out a way to take it all with me when I go.

7. I've been told by several people that I should become a professional actor. Trouble is, I don't know how, so right now I satisfy that need by being in local productions. My favorite role was playing The White Witch in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. My kids had lots of fun calling me a witch all the time.

8. Other families do soccer or hockey. We do theater. My kids are all in the current production we're working on now.

9. My favorite week of the year is performance week. We eat, live and breathe at the theater that week. People feed us, we perform and play. Why can't I get paid for this? I would be quite happy never having to cook or clean and instead focusing on being somebody else and getting applauded for it.

10. I keep thinking of giving up writing. I'm not making money at it and then everytime I do seriously consider giving it up, something happens that tells me that I shouldn't. Like selling a story to a major magazine, or getting into a Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother's Soul, or getting a book published. It's driving me nuts! It's like having a carrot dangled out at me that I get to touch now and then. I don't need to be J.K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer, but being able to support my family using my talents would be nice.

11. I have an Office Administration Diploma. I'm not an Office Admin person. I hate the phone, I hate 9-5. And most Office Admin work is mind-numbing.

12. Yeah, I hate the phone. I don't know what that's all about. I have a cell phone which I keep forgetting to charge up. I cringe when the phone rings. I figure it can't be good.

13. I love playing pool. I found a friend who loves it too, so we go to lounges where they have coin operated tables and play. We both suck but neither of us cares. It's a cheap past time.

14. I am not an athlete. I have never been an athlete. When I was a teenager I looked like an athlete. Boy did I disappoint some gym teachers. "All right everybody, let's watch Anna and see how not to do it."

15. I hate gym teachers. They've got a mean streak.

16. I'm 46 and still have ALL my teeth, I don't wear glasses, and I'm not on any medication. It's a good thing I'm not on medication because I've noticed that the letters on pill bottles have gotten smaller.

17. When I was a kid I could sing. I was even picked along with four other girls to be a singing angel, the only ones who sang anything. Nobody wants to hear me sing now.

18. When all my kids get together it's like being in the middle of a sitcom. They're all hysterically funny and people that they bring just sit there with their mouths open, that is when they're not laughing. We should have our own show.

19. I've been parasailing, was almost thrown off a cliff by a horse in Mexico, took a pie in the face onstage, was given a dead deer on my kitchen table as payment for an antennae, took a ride in a six seater airplane, gave birth seven times without any drugs, had a tire explode while travelling sixty miles an hour down a highway in nowhere Montana, survived a 20 year marriage, been chased by squirrels, and travelled across Canada, up to the NWT and down to Utah in a 20 year old Chrysler Labaron. I'm learning to handle things.

20. I'd like to get married again but I don't think I want to live with a man. I would like to have side by side his and hers houses. That way we can sneak across at night and feel like we're doing something wrong.

21. My body has a high survival instinct and won't allow me to starve. If we were all on a deserted island with no food, everyone else would wither to nothing and I would look like I ate you all.

22. I had anorexic behaviors for thirty years, but I gained weight. I actually liked feeling hungry.

23. I have a severe rodent phobia. Most especially rats, but all their rat cousins too. My children have never been allowed to have a hamster, gerbil or even a guinea pig. Those things escape and then you find them in your shoe. I do not want to find a rat in my shoe. I'm convinced that's why squirrels chased me. If I ever get married he better not have a rodent phobia because both of us standing on chairs screaming won't help me.

24. I tell myself that if I don't find my knight here on earth, I'll get a real knight in the next life. You know, from the 1100's or something. Wouldn't that be cool to be with someone from anther time? But I understand they were short back then. I don't want him short.

25. There is a 120 pound woman inside of me screaming to get out. It's too bad it looks like I ate her.

Chain Letters and God Striking

2009-02-20T11:32:00.000-08:00

The other day I received an email. You know those ones that get forwarded and forwarded from friends and no one knows where the original came from. Normally I read these and then just delete, but this one made me respond with a well thought out comment. So I decided to share this email and my reaction to it.

Subject: FW: All I ask...

All we can do is get the word out to everyone! The movie Corpus Christi is due to be released this June to August. I totally agree with the message below. Let's stand for what we believe in and stop the mockery of Jesus Christ our Savior. where do we stand as Christians? At the risk of a bit of inconvenience, I'm forwarding this to all I think would appreciate it too. Please help us prevent such offenses against our Lord. It will take you less than 2 minutes! If you are not interested, and do not have the 2 Minutes it will take to do this , please don't complain when God does not have time for you, because He is far busier than we are.

A disgusting film set to appear in America later this year depicts Jesus and his disciples as homosexuals! As a play, this has already been in theatres for a while. It's called Corpus Christi ' which means 'The Christ Body.' It's revolting mockery of our Lord. But we can make a difference. That's why I am sending this e-mail to you. If you do send this around, we will be able to prevent this film from showing in America and South Africa . Hey, it's worth a shot! Apparently, some regions in Europe have already banned the film. All we need is a lot of prayer and a lot of e-mails. Remember, Jesus said 'Deny Me on earth and I'll deny you before my Father'.

So here's my reaction to this email.

Although I find the subject matter reprehensible, I don't believe in dictating what other people think, create or watch. If these people wish to make this movie (and it's not new, the gay community has embraced the concept of Jesus being gay, and I believe they are the only ones who have embraced this idea), then it is within their rights to do so. Sure they're blaspheming God, but I think He can take care of that.

Those who seek control and power frequently do so by trying to control communications. My father was born in a country where information was closely controlled by the government, much like the Nazi's did with the radio and book burnings.

Imagine if someone decided that The Book of Mormon should be banned, or that movies made by LDS people should not be shown to the public because it doesn't fit in with their view of Christ. Or that the Bible should be burned because it doesn't fit in with secular vision of the world.

It is not up to us to decide what people can see. It is up to us to proclaim the truth. Attempts to ban a movie only makes us look like controlling religious fanatics and no one wants to hear the truth from a religious fanatic. The gospel is better spread by proclaiming the truth with peace, love and service, not by banning the lies.

Even in the War In Heaven, Heavenly Father allowed Lucifer to speak and then He allowed us to make our own choices.

So sure, some people will go to see this movie. That is their choice. What conclusions they come to from it is their choice too.

If you want to make something a success, the best thing to do is get it banned, because then people will want to go to it to see what the fuss is all about.

The other thing that bothers me about this email is the inference that if I don't get on the bandwagon calling for a ban on this movie that I'm not there for God and that I'm denying Him. Nothing is further than the truth. I just don't happen to agree with the overzealous viewpoint of this email. It's actually pretty presumptuous to claim to speak for God as the writer appears to be attempting to do and it's offensive to claim omnipotence as to tell me what my thoughts and actions mean.

Now after sending that email back to my friend I did a little research. Normally I do the research first, but this time I did it backwards because I had a knee-jerk reaction to this particular email.

There is no such movie, again another scam email.

So why am I even bothering posting?

Several reasons...
1. I needed a post subject.
2. As a reminder to please, please do some research before forwarding on these things. In fact, don't forward anything on. They're all scams and overwhelmingly stupid.
3. I wanted to state my opinions on banning anything.
4. My disgust at the manipulation in these emails suggesting (actually, outright accusing) that those who don't forward it along are bad.
5. I've never sent chain mail to 6000 of my best friends before, and I'm not going to start now and I'm still alive.

******

I really, really want to win Lemon Tart by Josi S. Kilpack. So I'm posting the link to Anne Bradshaw's post about it. Not Entirely British Contest. Although, by posting it, it means that all of you will run over there and enter the contest too, thereby making my chances just that much smaller. Oh well, I'm going to have something bad happen to me because of that stupid email anyway.

Fix Those Template Problems and a Really Funny Blog

2009-02-15T15:29:00.000-08:00

Every now and then I come across something I feel the need to let others know about.

I have always had blog template issues. Fortunately I've found a template for this blog that I love and have no intentions changing, however some of my other blogs haven't been as fortunate.

Aside from finding great blog templates which has been difficult, when one has been found often they don't work and they always require you to scrap your widgets, which requires rebuilding your blog. So changing the look of your blog isn't easy, especially if you've got lots of lists.

Well, because of some of you I've discovered a great site with free backgrounds, and because you use the templates at blogger, you don't lose your widgets each time you change the look of your blog. It makes those boring blogger templates into something else entirely. And they also have pages of helps to improve your template, such as turning a two column blog into a 3 column, a boon to those of us who are html illiterate.

By the way, I love 3 column blogs, so much easier to divide up the information you want to relate to people.

I was thinking of scrapping some of my blogs, but I loved the designs at this site so much that I was having too much fun updating them.

So where is this great place? It's called The Cutest Blog on the Block and it deserves it's name. For a peek at what they can do, take a look at a couple of blogs that I updated. Views From Hobbit Hole, Annamaniacs, This, That and That Other Thing, and 10 Minutes of Crazy. All were done with the Minima Template from Blogger, and none of them look like each other. And if I get tired of any of them, just a couple of clicks will update them without losing all those hard worked on widgets.

The hardest part is deciding which background from the Cutest Blog to go with. They have so many and are always bringing out new ones.

And now, I have to mention a blog that I love to read because she's so darn funny. I'd give her an award but I have nothing to give. So here's to Cindy Beck at Write Up My Alley...by Cindy Beck. She deserves to be read.

I'm going to go cough up a lung now. Oh, did I mention that I pulled a muscle in my leg? Because it's just not enough to be sick, I have to be crippled as well. My children, none of whom are toddlers anymore, have decided to play "Mom's sick, let's destroy the house because she lost her voice and can't yell at us and doesn't have the energy to chase us down."

Hey, but I am blogging.

I'm Sick as in Hack! Hack!

2009-02-12T14:32:00.000-08:00

I'm sick.

It's not serious. Just a cough that makes the flem rise in my throat so that I end up choking, unable to breathe and giving me visions of passing out gasping for air.

Has anyone ever died of flem suffocation?

When I'm sick I prefer to be like an old dog that curls up in a secret place and dies. I don't want anyone around me. I don't want to bother anyone. I don't want phone calls, or visits at the door to cheer me up, or someone plumping my pillows. Such visits would require me to clean my house and entertain, and I'm just not up to singing and dancing and doing my Margaret Hamilton impersonation quite yet.

My children who also have a cough are different.

"What do you want?" I snap at my 15 year old daughter who has come into my inner sanctum.

"I'm sick," she whines. She pulls the quilt she's wearing closer around her.

"So? What do you want me to do about it? You're thinking I have the superpower of healing?"

"I just want to hang out."

"But I'm sick too, and I don't want to hang out with anyone. Don't you have a sibling somewhere you can hang out with?"

Okay, I know. Bad Mom. When I'm sick I don't care. There is a reason why I didn't become a nurse. I can't stand sick people. They whine and expect you to take care of them and they don't get your death jokes.

"Mom, what's for dinner?" Someone asks.

"I don't know. I don't care. I'm sick. There's the fridge, there's the cupboard, there's the stove. Figure it out."

There's no one else around here that can drive. So I go out in the frigid temperatures taking kids to dance classes, church activities and seminary.

My fifteen year old just walked into my inner sanctum. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I'm writing about being sick. You want to hear it?" I begin reading to her. "I'm sick. Nothing serious. Just a cough that makes the flem rise..."

"Oh, gross! I'm not listening!" She makes a beeline for the door.

"But it's got you in it!" I call out to her.

"I don't care! It's gross!" she yells back and disappears.

I think I've found the secret to getting them to leave me alone when I'm sick.

*****

Lots to read today. Are you a Twilighter? Or just thinking about reading the books? Or do you hate them but still like reviews. Read my review of New Moon.

As part of my abuse series I've written a post based on an article in Meridian Magazine. Read Church Leaders Urge Us To Stay Married. Now before you read it, just know that I have no problem with Church leaders urging us to stay married. I have a problem with the article written by this particular couple.

But then, I've never been afraid of a little controversy.

The Biggest Loser is Not for Winners

2009-02-10T17:22:00.000-08:00

I made the mistake three weeks ago of turning on the show "The Biggest Loser" on the day that I discovered I had lost 6 pounds after a week of dieting.

Now in the real world 6 pounds in one week is a major achievement, almost on par with winning an Oscar. But on "The Biggest Loser", 6 pounds is cause for an all out attack that includes being sent to a shark tank and the very real threat of being kicked off the show, sent home in shame, not as the biggest loser, but as a loser with a big L on your forehead. (Okay, I made up the shark tank thing, but the rest is true).

So how does the average dieter at home process this when they have successfully lost their 1-2 pounds that week (recommended by all dietitions) and are now sitting down in front of the tv with their low-fat cottage cheese and celery sticks.

Now admittedly, these people don't have such silly distractions as family and work to keep them from their weight loss. Their whole lives revolve around that gym where they exercise 30 hours a day until they puke and then exercise some more.

Yeah, that's the exercise plan I want. The one where you end up puking. Honestly, if I had to deal with morning sickness, six of my children wouldn't exist. But let's all get on that band wagon of making yourself sick. I guess that accounts for some of the weight loss.

And lets not forget the professional trainers that gleefully work people so hard that ex-marines break down sobbing. And that was the nice trainer who gloated over that accomplishment.

One guy dropped 18 pounds in one week and he didn't even deliver a baby. I can see what his body is saying "Where the heck is our arm? Don't we have an arm around here somewhere? Quick hang onto every pound because we're losing parts!"

I keep wondering when these people will snap, grab their trainers and serve them on banquet tables with apples in their mouths. Of course this is after the torture process where they pelt them with doughnuts and peanut brittle screaming "this is for the time you made me run up that mountain while I was having a heart attack," and "that's for the time you bridled me and tried to ride me like a horse while holding a twinkie in front of my nose."

Far better to watch "Ruby" the real life story of a severly obese Southern Belle who still lives in the real world as she tries to lose weight. She has friends both male and female who adore her. She's heroic and honest about her journey and most of all it's realistic. Nobody is making her puke and she's able to maintain her dignity.

******

Anne Bradshaw is having another contest. This time it's for the CD by Sara Lyn Baril. Click on Not Entirely British and have a look see.

Weird Shoes - The New Version of Torture Chambers

2009-01-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

I've never been a shoe girl. I prefer barefoot or sneakers. However I did find a pair of shoes for my daughter that has left me foaming at the mouth. I can't wear high heels anymore - another reason to lose weight. They're the prettiest high heeled black shoes I've ever seen. As soon as this weight comes off those shoes are mine.

Remember Cinderella and her shoes? How she danced in glass slippers I'll never know. It's probably why her fairy godmother told her to come home at midnight. Any longer and she would have permanently damaged her feet.

So in honor of shoes I bring you these little gems.

This is from the Hannibal Lector line. Anybody up for liver and Chianti?

Barefoot or high heels? Barefoot or high heels?

I just can't make up my mind.

I Know! I'll go with up on my tippy toes high heels and pretend that I'm a ballerina.

So the question now is....

Do I go sensible Oxford schoolteacher/librarian? Or red patent leather Mary Jane schoolgirl? Or gladiator slave master?

Or maybe just a simple platform tippytoe pump.

And here's a couple of choices for the vegan crowd. Notice, no animals suffered for these although with the second one, I'm sure a couple of fairies lost their homes.

However it does look like a porcupine died for this one.

And a couple of fish died for these flip flops.

I hate rats. With a passion. And I'm all for killing off every rat in existence. (I think they're Satan's animal. But do we really need to wear them on our feet? Sigh, but I guess when we kill we're supposed to use every part of the carcass.

And here in Canada it's rude to keep your shoes on when you enter someones home.

Diet Doesn't Mean Die

2009-01-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

I am officially on a diet. Yes, I know that's die with a t. And I know that diet is considered a bad word and diets don't work and...

Yet, I'm on a diet, and I'm enjoying it.

Oh, quit twirling your forefinger around your ear and shaking your head. Yes, I said it. I'm enjoying my diet.

I spent years starving myself to fat, yes starving. It's a long story which I'll tell some other time, but it involves having a body that has a very high survival instinct, so that if we were all stranded on an island together and there was no food, I would grow fatter and you would all wither up and die off and I wouldn't even have to resort to cannabalism. I've tried to eat properly and never quite figured it out because if I had I'd be thin and gorgeous the way Inner Anna constantly claims I am.

I'm finally following a program that tells me exactly what to do and what to eat because, darn it, I need someone to do that and since I can't hire a personal chef and trainer, and Oprah won't come to my house in spite of repeated emails, this will have to do.

And I'm enjoying it.

The Curves diet works in phases and I'm in phase one right now. Fourteen hundred calories and the food is good. It's real food. No pre-packaged stuff. No excess chemicals. And next week I get more calories per day for the next three weeks, and then more calories for a month because it's all about raising your metabolism.

See, I left my metabolism somewhere between the Rockies and the deep blue sea and I've been searching for it ever since. I WANT IT BACK!

Things I like about my diet:

1. The food tastes good.
2. I'm pleasantly surprised by how big some of the servings are.
3. I love the control I feel I have.
4. I'm trying new foods and new combinations.
5. I can label foods "Mom" and have a good chance that no one else will eat it.
6.It's not special food so I can eat it for the rest of my life and I don't have to sell any of my children to be on it.
7. I have support whenever I go to the gym. They always ask how I'm doing. There are other women who are doing the same thing. And the Curves staff keeps track of my numbers. Plus it doesn't cost me anything extra, just my fees for the Curves gym.

Things I don't like about my diet:

1. No pizza
2. No chocolate - hold it, there is a chocolate protein shake. So I do get chocolate. Okay, no chocolate bars.
3. Sometimes I'm disappointed by the serving size.
4. Raisin bread calls out to me. So does hot buttered toast. Simple stupid things like that.
5. I have to cook.
6. If someone dares touch my food then I have major freak outs. As in "I can't eat all the stuff you can so when you eat my food you're telling me that you want me to starve to death!"
7. I don't know what to eat when I go to Boston Pizza with my friends.
8. I'm obsessing about food. I've never been a foodie (hence the starvation technique) and I don't like to think about food, but now I'm thinking about it all the time.

And so here it goes. There are a myriad of reasons for me to lose weight. Now if I can just convince my body to let it go.

***********************
Read my review of "My Not-So-Fairy-Tale Life by Julie Wright

More from Aunt Madge

2009-01-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

"See, they do ask for me. And you didn't think I had fans."

"One person asked for you. It doesn't mean you have fans. Plural."

"You're just jealous."

"Whatever."

"Admit it Anna, you're jealous."

"I'm letting you use my blog to advertise your blog. How jealous can that be?"

"Because sweetie, you know that by advertising my blog you're getting people to come to yours."

"Aunt Madge, do you see this teenage thing I'm doing with my eyes? I'm rolling them."

"And it's very unattractive. Maybe you should write to me for advice about that bad habit of yours and your jealousy issues. See, there, you're doing it again."

"All right, if there's anybody still reading this, go visit Aunt Madge at askauntmadge.blogspot.com so that she can stop driving me crazy for awhile."

"You know if you keep rolling your eyes that way they might get stuck in the back of your head and you would spend your life looking at your brain."

Contest and Why Can't I Sleep at Night

2009-01-07T13:46:00.001-08:00

I like contests. I rarely if ever win, but I keep trying.

Anne Bradshaw currently has a contest going on her website. Just click on the link to find out about it. It involves a book and financial freedom.

Sigh, I guess I have to have some kind of finances to have freedom.

Still battling some depression, tiredness and writer's block. The other night I was really good and got to bed by midnight. I read for awhile and started dozing off so I turned out the light.

And then I was awake all night long.

Why can I doze off with a book and the light on but not when the light is off? And don't tell me to go back to reading, I did, but after a couple of hours I had to get up and move around.

So it was six in the morning before I got to sleep. And can I be productive during the awake hours? Nope, because I'm too tired to write, and there is that writer's block thing.

I'm yawning now and it's 3 in the afternoon. Almost time for the kids to get home and do the runaround between dance, church activities, dinner and whatever.

And now I'm rambling, all so I could put out a post for the contest.

Marley and Me Review

2009-01-04T00:02:00.000-08:00

I've posted a review of Marley and Me. I was pleasantly surprised by it.

And to all those out there looking for reviews of books, I would be happy to review yours although I warn you I'll tell you what I really think, not just what you want me to think. I think that's why I wasn't asked for anymore reviews.

But then if your book really is wonderful, there's nothing to worry about.

Goals, Not Resolutions

2009-01-01T19:02:00.000-08:00

Resolutions are made to be broken. We all know this. The minute you mess up you give up. As in "I'm not eating sugar anymore" and then you do on the second or third day of January, so you just give up and eat any and every kind of sugar for the next 363 days until the next January 1st when you try again.

I prefer to set goals. Goals don't really care if you mess up a little. It just means that you forgive yourself and get back on track. So you ate that entire bag of chocolate chip cookies, it doesn't mean you get to eat a bag of chocolate chip cookies every day until next January. Goals are something that doesn't go away just because you stumble. And goals aren't set in stone. They can be revised according to what works. Goals are also the big thing you strive for but then you make little goals to help you along the way.

It turns out that I've been making the same two goals every year. I just haven't accomplished them.

I was going to post them but I decided my goal list was too personal for human consumption.

So instead I'll just mention that I'll be working on my health, my finances, and my writing.

Interestingly, six of my seven children will be reaching age milestones this year. 25, 21, 18, 16, 12 and 10. Only my 24 year old will not be having a significant birthday.

Other things to look forward to this year - My eldest son is getting married in March, in the Seattle Temple. Although I haven't met my new daughter, I have only heard good things about her and she seemed just right for him by my conversation on the phone. So, he's picked a great girl and he's marrying her in the temple. Isn't that what we as parents strive for?

I'm in a play this year. I'm playing a male marionette. Not only do I have to learn to move like a puppet, I have to do it as a man. Talk about a challange. I just watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with my youngest daughter and I pointed out Dick Van Dykes performance as a puppet while he's planning a castle escape, to my daughter. "That's how we're going to have to learn to move," I told her. Dick Van Dyke is brilliant with his body.

So there we go, two things to look forward to.

I've been having a tough time and feeling pretty down lately. I'm nowhere where I expected to be at this time in my life and certainly not since my divorce. It's disheartening but I rarely give into pity parties.

So I'm hoping 2009 will be better, different and offer something life changing.

Everybody Sing!

2008-12-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to a lot of Christmas music lately. When I was a teenager nobody recorded new Christmas music, now an artist isn't really an artist until he's put out a Christmas album.

One thing I've noticed and which I love...at Christmas time everybody is a Christian. It's okay and expected to sing about Jesus and God's love while you're singing about Rudolph and snow and silver bells.

Even the Jews do it. Both Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond have Christmas albums. In fact Neil has two. I wonder what he was thinking as he sang O Holy Night, and Mary's Boy Child.

The Jackson Five, devout Jehovah Witnesses at the time, (translation- Christians who don't celebrate Christmas) put out a Christmas album. It must have been wierd for them to sing about Santa Claus coming to town when they didn't even get to hang stockings.

Hollywood may be notoriously anti-Christian, but nobody told the music world this. Nashville is decidedly pro-Christian and country music has never been shy about it even daring to put (gasp) religious songs mixed in with the heartache ones about losing wife, truck and dog.

But it's Christmas time when we get to shout from the rooftops about Jesus, we just agree as Christians that Santa gets to share the rooftop.

Of course there will always be those who like to ruin the fun and complain and deny Christmas - check out Brad Paisley's "Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday" sometime. It's hilarious and brings home a real truth about political correctness.

I'm fortunate that I live in a town where God has not been banned from schools and public places.

I've never understood the banning. How do kids learn from this. Interestingly the same people that are for banning God from schools would be horrified at banning books.

I'm more of the type that says "Let's celebrate everything! Christmas, Hannakka (anyone know how to spell that), Kwanza, Festivas, Chrismikka, bring it on. Let's learn about people's celebrations, not ban them. Isn't that what education is about?

So now I'm going back to listening to people celebrate Jesus and how he saved the world.

Yep, it's a good time of year.

I Want to Be A Scrooge

2008-12-03T16:18:00.000-08:00

So what does the name Scrooge bring to your mind?

Like most people you'll think of someone miserly, mean spirited and lacking love for anyone. Bent over, twisted and grasping who can't even enjoy his own spoils never mind bestowing them on anyone else.

A Christmas Carol is a long time favorite but I wonder if we've missed the point that Dickens was trying to make.

At the end of the book, Dickens says of Ebeneezer Scrooge "Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all and infinately more...He became a good friend, a good master, and as good a man as the good old City knew, or any good old city, town or borough in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them...His own heart laughed, and that was quite enough for him...And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well."

Now that doesn't sound like a miserly, mean spirited person at all. In fact it sounds like a Christ-like person.

In fact we could draw similarities between the fictional Scrooge with the very real Saul/Paul. Saul too was a completely different person when he started out than the Paul he ended up being.

Isn't that what we are here for? To change our Saul/Scrooge ways into becoming better men/women, better masters, better friends? To put away our old selves and become new ones?

So shouldn't we remember Scrooge the way he ended up instead of the way he was in the middle of his life?

Maybe we should all become Scrooge like.

Pops and Clicks and Static Oh Joy

2008-12-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

I'm one of those people that doesn't let go of stuff. I still have the first watch I was ever given even though it doesn't work and the gold is flaked off. I got it from my godmother on my fifth birthday and it's on a chain instead of wristband. Come to think of it, I've got the second watch she ever gave me, as well as the porcelain dog and the swedish red wooden horse.

I'm sure there's even an orange stuffed monkey somewhere around here.

Consequently I've hung onto all my vinyl records, lugging them around even when I didn't have a turntable to play them on. Sure some of them have been put on CD but I didn't want to pay for music I already owned.

My check for my story went for necessities, but I did buy myself a birthday present with it. A turntable with software that coverts my vinyl into MP3, a much more space saving and convenient way of listening to music.

So now I'm in bliss listening to old records and knowing one day I don't have to lug around 3000 pounds of vinyl. Instead it will be able to fit into something I can carry in one hand, in fact I might one day be able to pocket all this music.

Sometimes I really do love technology.

I just wish that I could get the cleanup of pops and noise to work. Either it makes no difference or it takes out all the music. Any experts out there?

Variety is the Spice of Life, If You Understand How to Season It

2008-11-29T00:07:00.000-08:00

I grew up with variety shows. It was an honored and respected form of entertainment. Take some funny skits, add some music, a little dancing, and some kidding around, dress everyone up and you have a show. Every star at some point had their own show, Judy Garland, Andy Williams, Nat King Cole, Red Skelton, Danny Kaye, Dean Martin and Sid Ceasar all paved the way for the seventies when I watched Donny & Marie, Captain and Tenille and one of the funniest ladies ever - Carol Burnett.

There was even a sitcom about a variety show. The Dick Van Dyke Show was about a comedy writer who wrote for the fictitious Alan Brady Show.

But by the end of the 70's the variety show was almost dead, mainly due to a smorgasbord of really badly done variety shows. Any one else remember the Brady Bunch Variety Hour? Or how about Pink Lady and Jeff? Barbara Mandrell managed to carry it on for a while longer with some respectibility, and then of course there was always Saturday Night Live which although technically it's a variety show it never was intended for families, which is what the variety show is about.

So when Rosie O'Donnell did a variety show I thought I would check it out. Now I find Rosie funny when she isn't being the angry political lesbian. And although she doesn't have a great voice, okay, she can't sing, she's usually overpowered by much better singers who carry the project while she says funny things.

The show was painful. No funny skits. I can't say anything remotely nice about Liza Minelli's performance which is too bad since she's a legend and deserves better. There was a stripper number done to a bunch of advertizing of various products they were giving away, and not only did Rosie sing badly as expected, she wasn't even remotely amusing.

I want Carol Burnett back. Bring on Eunice and Mama. I want to visit with the Queen and the guard who had no insides. I want to see the spoofs of movies.

I guess I'll have to be happy with YouTube.

******
Alert! Alert!

One of my stories got published in Woman's World. The current issue (Dec 3 I think) is on newstands now but it won't be for long.

Sure some editing got done to it. But my name is on it and I got a check and another magazine to add to my list.

Coming Back

2008-11-18T20:49:00.000-08:00

I'm baaaack.

I know it's been two months. Okay more than two months.

First I got busy with some writing projects with deadlines and then when those were through, I suffered writers block.

I've never had writers block before. Still have it. This post and the other one I wrote have been a struggle. And I feel guilty for not accomplishing anything.

So there's the confession.

And here's a link to something I found interesting. Sanctity of Marriage. I don't agree with everything that this blogger says on everything, but on this subject I'm nodding my head. You can read my reaction here. When Bad Is Called Good.

And hopefully I can begin writing again.

Jay Leno I'm Not

2008-09-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I took some time off.

So here's my review, "The Santa Letters by Stacy Gooch-Anderson" . There are people who will not like me.

In the news today, a 59 year old woman gave birth to triplets.

If you were to see me now my eyes would be big and round and moving like kalidoscopes.

She got donated eggs or something. I'm not sure whether I was more shocked by this piece of news and the implications or the declaration from the French government that they won't allow women over 42 to recieve donated eggs.

Apparently I am now over the age where it's acceptable to have a baby. Not that I want one, I've already done more than my fair share in that department, it's just the fact that I'm considered too old now.

I wish my body knew that, it would make some days easier. I mean if I'm going to be declared too old I should get the benefits from that declaration. But no, I'm old and still have to suffer.

Fifty-nine with baby triplets. By the time she's done with diapering them, she'll be diapering herself. They're going to all be in walkers at the same time. They better hurry up and get licences so they can drive her around.

Okay, not fair. Lots of men have babies at 59 and no one thinks anything of it. But then they're not the ones who actually take care of them. They hire nannies for their wives. They hire nannies for their babies too.

Okay, I'll stop.

Don't Rush Me

2008-08-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

I know I'm not American. I know that I have no business commenting on American politics. Well, I guess because it's my blog, I can comment on anything that I want.

However Rush Limbaugh commented on something that goes beyond politics. I don't know how everyone feels about Rush. I understand he's controversial, but someone must like him because the guy has a radio show and he's had tv shows so he's got his followers.

Anyway, want to see what he said and see my comment on it? Well then go to Whoops, I Slipped. It's part of my abuse series if you're following that and if you're not following that, you still might have an opinion.

Nothing Much to Say

2008-08-17T03:03:00.000-07:00

I've posted a review. Soul Harvest is another one of the Left Behind series. I'm clipping along these books quite nicely and enjoying every one of them although some things annoy me.

Funny, I think of topics to blog about and then when I get to my blog, my mind goes blank.

Two Posts and an Interview

2008-08-16T01:09:00.001-07:00

Okay, I got a little behind schedule.

So there are two posts, count them two, that you can read.

Single in the Twilight Zone

1984 is Here

And an interview that I did with Barbara Salsbury has been added to the review of her book. Go to Preparedness Principals.

And because there are two very clever pieces and an interview, I don't have to be clever here.

It's Late

2008-08-14T04:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to be charming and witty. It's too late or early depending if you call this Wednesday night or Thursday morning.

Anyway, I posted a review for a Virtual Book Tour. Go to Preparedness Principals.

More Insanity

2008-08-12T22:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, there's some amount of craziness over at Ask Aunt Madge...

"Yeah, this time it's your fault."

"I was just paying you back, Aunt Madge."

"Just come on over everybody."

"There's something about pickles."

"It's not about pickles, Anna."

"Hey, you brought up pickles and now I'm hungry."

"For those of you out there, I have advice about work at home jobs, not pickles."

"I'm still hungry."

No Muskrat Love Here

2008-08-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

Prompt day!

Go to The Joy of Writing for this week's prompt.

I went for a walk tonight. Ended up being soaking wet because it decided to rain. But it was a warm rain and I didn't mind at all.

I walked around the local lake, well it's not really a lake, it's a pond or something. It's got animals in it. Now I'm not too concerned about meeting up with a duck, but I am worried about those muskrat.

They say that Alberta is rat free. But we have lots of muskrat, and you know what a muskrat is besides the subject of a Captain and Tenille song? It's a water rat.

I do not want to meet up with a water rat.

Blackout

2008-08-11T03:27:00.000-07:00

My post for today (and today I mean Sunday because I haven't gone to bed yet is Protecting Marriage.

There was a thunder storm and my power went out. I was on my laptop at the time so the battery took over. With the light from my computer I was able to find candles and a lighter so I was prepared when the battery died.

I don't like total darkness. It's not like I require a nightlight, because I find the streetlights provide enough light to make things fine, but complete darkness I find oppressive, like I can't breathe.

I wonder how they managed before electricity. Sure they had lamps, but at some point you have to turn the lamps out and then there you are. In utter darkness. Moonlit nights are fine, but not every night is the moon visible. How did little kids find their way to the bathroom? I can't imagine a four year old lighting a candle.

I guess I'm spoiled.

Series

2008-08-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

I've got another review up. Nicolae by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins.

I'm still reading the Left Behind series. The books I'm currently reading I've read before, but I forgot so much of it and I don't remember what book I left off with a few years ago, so I need to read the whole series again.

I really enjoy series books. I also prefer television to movies and series movies to stand alone ones. I get caught up with the characters and I don't like to leave them.

Music Soothes the Savage

2008-08-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to Michael Buble right now.

There was a time when I wouldn't have anything to do with this type of music.

I find though that as I grow older my tastes in music expands, and I'm able to embrace many more different types of music, even music that others might deem "uncool" (not that Michael Buble is uncool, he's actually pretty cool, but he wouldn't have done well in the 70's when i was a teenager.)

Now, I've always liked "uncool" music. The kind that kids wouldn't admit to liking, but as a grandmother I can now listen to it without apology.

So on my computer I have Andy Williams, I have the Osmonds. I have Maroon 5, Matchbox 20, Judy Garland, Doris Day, Rosemary Clooney, the Jackson 5, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Michael Bolton, Carole King and Carly Simon, the Carpenters and Barry Manilow, the Calling, MercyMe, Point of Grace, Shedaisy and Rascall Flatts and Carolyn Dawn Johnson and Taylor Swift and...

I've even found myself enjoying a little (my fingers are very close together there) opera. Yep, even opera.

I'm able to embrace a lot of different types of music - well, except for rap, polka and heavy metal, I still don't get that stuff.

I'm able to talk with my kids about music. I may not know the latest thing going on since I tend to listen more to the country music station or the station that plays everything, but I'm open to new things. My son knew I would like Rob Thomas and he was right and I'm often surprised at how much they know of the music I grew up with (although my 17 year old doesn't understand ABBA).

It was different for my parents. They were teenagers before rock n' roll hit and although my mother didn't mind the new music she never quite grew to love it as I did. My father was completely into Russian symphony, however I did get my liking for Andy Williams (which I denied later) because of the records that all self-respecting parents of the 60's had at that time. Grown up music. Andy Williams, Bing Crosby, Perry Como and Lena Horne. Music I escaped because it wasn't cool.

Now I can enjoy it again (although I'll never like the Lawrence Welk show). But I can listen to that and Lifehouse and whatever else I wanted.

It's nice not to care anymore about being cool. Especially since I never was.

For today's post (nope this wasn't it, you have to go somewhere else.) Go to
Let The Kid Do It and don't shoot me. At least not hard.

And right now Michael Buble is singing my favorite Elvis Song, "Can't Help Falling In Love."

Who Knew I Had That Kind of Mortgage

2008-08-07T22:33:00.000-07:00

I got two emails today informing me that Carrington Mortgage Services LLC has taken out a payment from my checking account for $8716.00.

I laid down on the floor and laughed, and laughed.

How do you take almost $9000 out of a checking account that only has about $300 bucks in it?

And who has a mortgage payment of $9000 bucks anyway? Ed McMahn I'm not.

In fact I rent. What would I pay mortgage on?

But...there was an attachment that suggested I look into.

No, I did not open it.

I looked on Snopes.com for information. Warning: don't go there, you'll never come out again.

Nothing about this was there.

But I'm wondering if anyone has fallen for this, momentarily and ended up with a virus.

Okay, for today's post, go to "How Did I Get Ham Out of A Shrinking Violet?

Breaking Into National Markets

2008-08-07T00:35:00.000-07:00

Review time! Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

I admire Stephenie. All right, I'm jealous of her too. She's managed to go national where all the money is. Let's face it, few authors make money, fewer still if you publish in the LDS world. The readership is just too small to support an author.

What I would love to see is LDS characters being accepted nationally, like Catholic and Jewish characters are.

But it would take an author who has already broken into the national market and been wildly successful with a strong readership to do it.

And I suspect that at this point Stephenie is enjoying the ride. It's good to see and LDS author join Anne Perry and Orson Scott Card in the mainstream.

Is Aunt Madge Ready for the Big Time?

2008-08-06T00:35:00.000-07:00

"Aunt Madge has posted again. Go to Ask Aunt Madge."

"That's the way to sell me? Come on, you can do better than that."

"Well, what am I supposed to say? The stupendous, amazing, wise and wonderful Aunt Madge and her brilliant advice blogs again?''

"That's good! I like that. It's short, to the point, and absolutely true."

"I am not going to say that. It sounds like an introduction for a magic show in Las Vegas with girls in skimpy costumes and albino tigers."

"I don't wear skimpy costumes or have a tiger, but my words are pretty magic and they would work quite well in Las Vegas. Who knows, maybe one day..."

"Oh, I don't think so."

"You don't know what I was going to say."

"I do to. You were going to suggest that someone pay you millions of dollars to appear at your own show in Las Vegas."

"Well why not? They just paid a guy a billion bucks to make dolls and pieces of foam talk. At least I help people."

"I'm rolling my eyes."

"And lets not forget Dr. Phil."

"You are not Dr. Phil."

"No thank goodness. I have a full head of hair."

"And on that note I think I'll end this conversation."

"Don't forget to visit me. Remember Ask Aunt Madge. And if you want me to solve your problem just send me a note, because I'm tired of solving Anna's problems."

"Hey, they're not my problems."

"Yes, dear. We all know that." (you can't see me, but I'm winking at you all.)

Food Storage

2008-08-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

For the latest prompt go to 10 Minutes of Crazy.

Please feel free to take part in the prompts. I would love to see what other people do with them.

I do the church bulletin. In one section I have a list of things for preparedness. It's divided up into months. I suppose the idea is to make food storage and other things easier by putting it into smaller increments. I didn't write this list, it's just been sent to me with instructions to put it into the bulletin.

So in the month of August, we're instructed to get 100 quarts of fruits and vegetables per person.

What? This is bite size and easy to do? So a family of four (small by Mormon standards but it's what I'm down to now), would be 400 quarts. Lets say I don't can. I buy cans. How many cans make up a quart? Lets say it's two cans a quart and I find this amazing deal of two cans for a dollar which is being very very modest. That's 400 thousand bucks just for fruit and vegetables. That doesn't include the rest of the list. Yeah, there's more on the list. Add to that, although it's designed with the idea that you don't have fresh fruit and vegetables, you're still supposed to rotate your food supply and I'm sure none of us are giving up fresh unless a crisis happens. You're going to have old cans of fruit and vegetables sitting around for awhile. A long while. And not everyone can store that amount, and even if they do, and then they have to move, who wants to move thousands of cans of food? Books I can understand, but old food? Books don't go bad over time.

This defeats me before I even start.

Alone

2008-08-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

There's another post for my abuse series. You can read Self-esteem and tell me your thoughts.

Thank you to those who have commented on my new blog. I'm glad you like it.

I'd tell you something funny, but my kids are gone for the summer and I'm all alone in my house, which in other summers was fine. But for some reason this summer I'm having trouble being alone. There isn't a lot of fun things to do alone. I can go shopping and to the movies by myself. I can travel alone (I can't this year, no money), and I like spending large chunks of time alone, but there's a lot of stuff I don't want to do alone.

I wonder if I'm getting ready for the possibility of having someone in my life again.

I've gotta lose some weight.

Map to My World

2008-08-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the Gimore Girls these days. I love the Gilmore Girls. I want to live in Stars Hollow and be thin like Loralei.

I thought I'd do a run down of the various blogs I have here.

Real Women Don't Wear Bikinis - this is the home blog. This is where I keep it short and then direct you to another one of my blogs. This one gets updated daily.

Annapinions - This is an archive. It was the home blog but because it had a glitch in it, it wouldn't allow me to put this pretty template up, so I've moved from it. You can still read posts from it and I will be putting in the sidebar the extra good posts, but no more will be added here.

Musing Along the Yellow Brick Road - I update this on Sundays. Often it's thoughts on the scriptures. I also have an ongoing abuse series here. It's a serious blog and one that I hope can cause some discussion.

10 Minutes of Crazy - This is the prompt blog and I update this on Mondays. I find a prompt, write for ten minutes, and then post it in it's imperfect and sometimes non-sensical form. I invite others to take part in the prompt and post your own contributions or post a link.

Ask Aunt Madge - Aunt Madge posts this on Tuesdays. It's an advice column. I say advice just to give you an idea because frankly the advice is a little bizarre, but it makes her happy.

Views From Hobbit Hole - This gets updated on Wednesday and Saturdays, mainly because I have such a long book list. It's a review blog of whatever I want to review. Mostly books.

Annamaniacs - This is the humor blog. Often I'll post past columns to here. Hopefully you'll get a smile. I post to this one on Thursdays.

This, That, and that Other Thing - My Friday blog is about whatever I want to talk about that doesn't fit in anywhere else.

So there you have it. When you come to visit, come to this blog first and see what's going on.

Official Name Change

2008-08-01T00:50:00.000-07:00

All right, I have declared a name for this new blog.

I originally wanted to put my name in it. No, it has nothing to do with my deep founded belief that I'm the greatest writer who ever lived and I want to tell everyone about it.

It has more to do with name recognition and blogs and stuff like that.

But I simply couldn't find a name I liked to work with.

So, I've resorted to a title of a book I haven't yet written. Well, in a way I have. It was going to be all my columns put together, but seeing as I don't have anyone who would be interested in that project right now, it's on the back burner. The far back burner. The one behind at the back of the garden plot where no one goes because there's too many spiders.

My post for today is about Beedle the Bard at This That and That Other Thing.

My New Room

2008-07-31T01:01:00.000-07:00

Isn't it gorgeous!

How do you like my new room? It's still in the same house and all my other rooms are the same, just this one is different.

I'm quite pleased to finally find a blog template that I love. It's pretty, it's feminine. Okay, it can be a bit of a pain because the template doesn't work properly, but I figured a way around it.

There was something I was going to talk about, but I can't remember what it was.

Oh, I'm not liking my blog name. Anyone have suggestions? I guess I could call it Annapinions II: Revenge of the Nerd, but it won't fit up on my title bar with my name. I had wanted to call it Anna Maria Junus: Real Women Don't Wear Bikinis but again, it didn't fit up on the title bar.

I need something short.

And by the way, what is that stupid undefined thing on my blog near the title?

Sigh.

I've posted to Annamaniacs. Read Of Mice and Woman.