Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Hats! Hats! And More Hats!

Lady Gaga did not get her inspiration from Madonna. She got it from British Royalty. Anyone who watched any part of the royal wedding knows what I mean. Apparently there was a note on the invitations that instructed the ladies to wear a kooky hat. This is not an unusual request as they are required to wear kooky hats to every function.

Now I'm not against hats. I think there are some lovely hats out there. They can be practical and functional. In the winter they can help keep us warm. In the summer they can keep the sun off our heads. In the spring and fall they can keep the wind from blowing our hair into our eyes which can look sexy in a photo shoot but just makes us look deranged in real life. They also can make a statement, add personality, frame a face, and are a quick solution for a bad hair day. And they can be fun. Like these ones which are all appropriate for a wedding. No baseball caps allowed.

This pretty pink concoction protects her head from the sun and finishes off her outfit nicely.

A little ostentatious with the feathers but still fun and lovely.
It's a head turner but in a positive way.

I call this one the Audrey Hepburn. If I had a hat collection - which I don't because I don't attend things that require pretty hats - it's not the first one I would get, but it would be in my top 10.

This natural straw one makes me think of iced tea, lemonade and cucumber sandwiches.

Now admittedly this black one isn't everybody's cup of tea, but it is fun and funky. I think I would add a thick white or cream band around the crown, just to break up all that black and then it would go great with a black and white or black and cream outfit.

The Queen has never been known as a fashion plate, but take a look at what she wore to the wedding and the races.

See, even she knows what makes a pretty and fun hat. That blue one is even a little whimsical with the slanted crown.

So now that we've established what a great hat is, lets take a look at what people actually wore to some British events. None of these events involved Halloween costumes, clowns, or throwing beads while topless. People actually seriously wore these things on their heads in public.

Did Princess Beatrice start this hat off as a cocoon farm and just waited until they all hatched before presenting this to the world? I heard that butterflies are attracted to dead things. It makes me wonder what is under all those butterflies and sitting on top of her head. Maybe Beatrice is under attack from a swarm. I think I can recreate this hat. I just have to go down to the dollar store and get some fridge magnets.

She decided to do even better at her cousin's wedding. Now she's trying out for the role of the mirror in a Disney production of Snow White. Did she not know this was a wedding and she isn't supposed to upstage the bride? Somebody show this girl her grandmother's hat closet. I'm sure she could find something with a butterfly or a ribbon. Sarah Ferguson, talk to your daughter, an intervention must be done immediately.

This is called a fascinator (I guess because they're fascinating) and they are considered an acceptable alternative to a hat. I think her five year old made this in kindergarten from leftover brooms.

Someone left a cake out in the rain. And I don't think I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again...
Looks like she brought her own snack and enough for the rest of the class.

Some people have compared this to a part of a woman's anatomy, but I won't go there. It does make me think of a tippy canoe.

By the way, when did hats start being worn on the forehead? Is it to cover up wrinkles and acne?

I swear that thing is going to slide right into her face.

Isn't this that ride at the carnival where you step inside, they strap you spread eagled and they spin you around? Or maybe I saw motorcycles spin around in these things. Or maybe it was the rotational paths of the planets.

I don't think Carrie Bradshow oops sorry, Sarah Jessica Parker, was invited to anything royal, but she certainly follows their fashion sense. Now the butterflies are a little more tasteful. Two or three is enough, but I'm wondering if it hurt to have that tree planted in her head, and I did notice that the pinecone is causing her problems staying where it's supposed to be.

I'm not sure what to say about this. Are the roses holding the wall up or is the wall preventing the roses from falling down? Hold it, is that a...I do believe she's wearing a bedpan!

Could someone tell me which country's flag this is?
I think it's only flying at half-mast. Is the country's leader aware that this woman stole their flag?

I guess you couldn't accuse this woman of wearing her heart on her sleeve but I think she can be charged with stealing her baby's mobile.

Fire! Fire!Somebody grab an extinguisher and put this woman's head out!

Proof that we have been invaded by alien life. They attach themselves to the heads of unsuspecting socialites.

Does Mrs. Suess know that someone has stolen her husbands hat designs?

In one house we lived in we had a beautiful lilac tree. I wish we could have taken that tree everywhere we moved. I guess this lady had a beautiful lilac tree too and she figured out how she can always have it with her.

Lady, somebody threw a melon at your head - and it exploded! We know that you didn't really plan that melon because it doesn't even go with that dress.

I wonder what tv shows she gets with that sattelite dish?

First off, David Beckham looks gorgeous. That has nothing to do with hats, I just had to say that. But then, he's not wearing an ugly hat.

She's got that whole sliding down the face thing going. In this case it makes sense because if she wore it on the top of her head it would stab everyone in the eye.

By the way, does this woman ever smile? Does she have grinch teeth? Or no teeth? Or does have so much botox that her facial muscles can't move? Or maybe she is an alien wearing a mask that doesn't allow her to smile. Or maybe if she does smile her face will shatter. Or maybe she isn't happy with Beckham in which case she can send him my way. I do smile.

And now to leave on a happy note, two pictures of fabulous hats that should never be worn anywhere unless you are wearing the fabulous costumes that go with them.


Cindy Beck, author said...

Loved the hat photos and your running commentary. I was ROFL in several spots, and one of my favorite lines was, "In the spring and fall they can keep the wind from blowing our hair into our eyes which can look sexy in a photo shoot but just makes us look deranged in real life." Cracked me up!

Thanks for a fun article.