Then he decided to find out how his work was being done. See if it had been me, I would have been wondering the first day but this guy waited until he was well off before his curiosity kicked in. I know I would have been wondering, “How did those shoes get finished?” and then I would have asked all over the place and then I would have seen if it happened again and then when it did I would have done a stake out like in the movies.

Which is what he ended up doing. He and his wife stayed up all night waiting to see what would happen. Nowadays we would just put a hidden camera in a teddy bear but they didn’t have them back then (cameras or teddy bears) so they made some popcorn and curled up in a corner hiding and waiting for the show to start.

I know these elves aren't naked but I couldn't put  naked elves on my family blog





I don't get elves that help me like the shoemaker did. I get the other kind of elves.




They put strange appointments on my calendar and hide my important phone numbers.

A few weeks ago I went away on a retreat.

I know, this can give images of people sitting around with their legs crossed and going “Ohm” over and over. Or having breakdowns in front of total strangers over the fact that they didn’t get the bike they wanted when they were six. Or going into hypnotic states and talking about past lives when they were Cleopatra and Attila the Hun.

My retreat was none of this. It was a stitching retreat. A full weekend of doing needlework and chatting with other women who like to do needlework. No children, no husbands, no workouts or diets, no housework, TV or computers.

Now I know, some of you have your eyes glazed over and are going “that sounds as exciting as watching the snail Olympics.”

For others of you, just the idea of getting away from husbands and children would be enough to send you into glorious fits of ecstacy similar to the feelings you get when you finally give yourself permission to have a D.Q Pecan Mudslide after several months of eating nothing but broccoli and cabbage soup.

It was a retreat with eight women, out in the middle of nowhere (okay, Pigeon Lake) in a house to ourselves. We were all responsible for one meal, which was already planned and bought, and clean up at the end of the weekend.

I started out happily on my journey. My car loaded up with needlework and snacks. My computer would not download the map that was sent to me, but someone said it was not hard to find, just follow the road signs, and it was at Pigeon Lake so how hard could it be?

I have no sense of direction. And when it comes to asking for directions, I am a man. I admit it. I will not ask for directions. Never say lost, because all roads lead to somewhere, and never ask for directions because I’ll never be able to follow them anyway. Several hours later, still driving around in the middle of nowhere, I finally realized that the roads I was on led to nowhere. I was lost. Completely and utterly lost. Never get out of here lost. I would be found one day, withered away from starvation (and it would take a long time to wither me away) my hands clutched to an empty snickers wrapper, and frozen from the cold.

Fortunately I had my cell.

And more fortunately my friends called me. Good thing too, because I didn’t have their number. After several attempts to get me going the right way, my friends decided that a rescue mission was in order. So they put on their black clothes with stocking caps, grabbed an emergency bag (for stitchers this would have embroidery floss, a needle, a piece of lovely fabric and a chart) and set out in an unmarked van.

This experience has taught me two things: one, it is a good idea to keep the cell phone recharged, and two, in spite of what everyone says about cell phones and driving, I don’t want to make it illegal, because it was a great comfort being able to drive around with the phone up to my ear as someone was talking to me If it becomes illegal how else are people supposed to find their way? I can just see hordes of drivers meandering all over desperately searching for a familiar sign.

“Okay, we’re coming up to a blinking red stop sign.” I hear in the phone.
“I’m near a blinking red stop sign!” I replied as I flashed my lights. “Is that you that just passed me by?”
“We’re turning around.” With joy I watched a van turn around and drive by me. I followed, relieved to finally be rescued. But just as I was going merrily on my way a woman stepped in front of my car and flagged me down.

She asked me for directions.

Which I might have given to her (“go home before you get sucked into an eternal black hole and never be heard from again”} if I hadn’t been so worried about losing my rescuers.

It occurred to me as I followed the van through twists and turns and several wrong directionless moves, that I hadn’t actually seen who was in the van, and I might be following a mass murderer.

Especially when a sign appeared that said “cemetery” with a direction arrow, and they turned TOWARDS the cemetery.


I had a great weekend. Good food, good friends, and good stitching. Better than the snail Olympics. If anyone wants to stitch with me, give me a shout. I’ll be sure to bring my cell and oh yeah, a map.

Today in fast and testimony meeting a young man who is preparing for his mission got up and explained how if he weren't a member of the church he probably wouldn't be one of those people who would invite two guys preaching a religion into his home. He then told us about a conversation he had with his boss and the surprise his boss had when he discovered that this young man was planning to go on a mission. (Note: all quotes are not exact since I didn't take notes, I'm just remembering the best I can.)

His boss said, "You're going to be one of those guys dressed in a suit who goes from door to door preaching? I hate those guys. I just get settled into dinner and family and they come to the door."

"I hate those guys too," the young man said.

"Then why are you going to be one of those guys?"

"I'm not going for people like you and me. I'm going for the people who would invite the missionaries in and listen to the gospel."

I loved this. For all those people who complain about the missionaries, there are people like me who are grateful to them. My first missionaries were Elder Smith and Elder Smith who taught me about Joseph Smith. No, I am not making that up. They taught me a lesson, invited me to a stake center opening, and took me to a fireside in a couple's home (what happened to those types of firesides anyway?) Then they were transferred and I ended up with Elder Croft and Elder Cox. They were the ones who baptized me. It took a total of three weeks from initial contact to baptism. I'm an unusual case. But there are people like me who are ready to hear the gospel. There are people out there looking for it and don't know where to look. If missionary work didn't work, then we wouldn't do it. Yes, it's inconvenient and annoying for those who are not interested, but it's life changing for those who do.

The young man also made another statement. "We don't always know what the plan is and we don't have to understand it. The planner knows what the plan is."

And that is so true too. I don't know what the plan that Heavenly Father has for me is. I wish He would tell me. But He doesn't. Just because He doesn't, does not mean that there is no plan. I have to trust that He knows what He's doing and try to be open to it when it begins to reveal itself. He knows what the plan is, and sometimes that's enough.

Yep, I did it. And it wasn't easy either because it turns out that their word counter is different from my word counter. I thought I was done last night. Thrilled that I had passed the 50,000 word mark a day early and by more than a hundred words I cheerfully went to the Nano site.

Looking for a way to verify my word count I clicked on the page that told me how to do it and where to find the link. There was a warning there that their word counts might not add up to my word counts. In fact there might be a discrepency by as much as a thousand words. Especially if I was using Open Office.

I was using Open Office. So I put my novel in for word count verification. It came up that I was short by almost TWO thousand words. Yep, I had a whole other writing session to go through and find a way to fit in another scene somewhere, because you see, I had finished my first draft. I had already ended it where I wanted to end it. And it was three o'clock in the morning.

So after a little sleep I was right back at it. And now it's official. According to Nano I have 50,465 words. According to my program I have 52,857 words. I get a certificate and badges for my website and bragging rights and a first draft of a novel. Okay, to most people it's not much. In fact when my writing group heard I was doing Nano, their eyes took on a glazed expression.

"Why would you do that? What do you get for it:"

"Well, you get this certificate that you print off your computer and you get badges for your blog." I could see I was losing them. I could see that I was losing me.
"I couldn't write two thousand five hundred words a day," one writer said. Note, this is a woman has self-published books so she's not a slacker.

"It's like training for a marathon," I said. "When you train for a marathon you work a lot harder than you normally do. This is the same thing. I'm not always going to write two thousand five hundred words a day. Just this month. But it trains me to write a thousand words a day."

"And I get a novel out of it." I added. This bit rescued me from forever lamedom. To a writer, a first draft of a novel is always a good thing.

"Well, a thousand words isn't bad. But when I trained for a marathon it took me six months to recover," she said.

Hopefully it won't take me six months to recover. I do plan on putting this first draft away for awhile and look at it at another time with fresh eyes. I have work that needs attention. Like those other five novels sitting in my computer in various stages of editing and requiring a publisher.

Can you imagine if I hadn't finished a day earlier and had discovered a word discrepency at midnight of tonight? Oh the pain.

I rarely take all my kids shopping.

I was reminded the other day why.

Just with that line I can see some of you writing your own columns in your head. Go ahead, it will probably be funnier than mine.

It was the Saturday of the first snowfall. I decided that it would be a good idea to take the kids shopping for winter things.

Do you have any idea how many pairs of gloves I buy? You would think I was buying for octopuses or something, because it seems that every year I have to buy several pairs for each child and several pairs for me. Not all at once mind you.

“Okay, here’s your gloves. These are YOUR gloves. Do not LOSE them. These are MY gloves. Do not WEAR them. If you lose your gloves I will not buy you more gloves and your fingers will freeze and fall off, and then your hands will freeze and fall off and then you won’t be able to hit your brother/sister anymore, and you will have to steal all my pens using your teeth.”

And so the day following the first glove useal, someone announces to me “Mom, I lost my gloves, can I borrow yours?”

And knowing that if my kids fingers freeze and fall off, I will have the school upset because my child will have to write his/her school work with his/her teeth and end up slobbering al over it, and then Social Services will come and take the children away, I allow the glove loser to wear my gloves.

Which they promptly lose.

And of course it will be the day when I have to go out to the car and sweep snow and ice off my car with my bare hands because someone decided to use the snow brush for something that snow brushes aren’t used for and they will have lost it.

If my fingers freeze and fall off, no one cares because that’s what mothers do for their children.

Anyway, we went out shopping that Saturday.

Turns out, everyone in the city was at Value Village and Walmart that day. You would think it was the Saturday before Christmas.

Now, I’m one of those rare folk who are fine in FRONT of crowds. If you put me up on stage, I will not lose my lunch, become speechless or paralyzed, or forget my name. In fact, I enjoy being up in front of crowds.

I do not like being IN crowds.

So while my children are pulling on my six arms demanding things and telling me to look over there and fighting over who gets what and who needs what and who’s turn it is to get what, I am also being pushed around by crowds who want to get somewhere while I’m stuck behind people who won’t let me get anywhere and it’s everything I can do to not suddenly stop in the middle of the store and scream.

It’s a wonder I haven’t seen this happen yet with anyone.

It will one day you know. Some poor mother is going to stop in the middle of Walmart, scream, “Stop this merry-go-round! I want to get off! And then curl up in a ball on the floor sucking her thumb.

I thought I was alone in this. A few days later I talked to some friends and found out we all feel this way.

“They need to have an express lane for panic attacks,” Mira said (all names have been changed to protect the guilty), “that way you don’t have to leave everything when you run screaming from the store.”

“You know how they have those signs asking you to leave knapsacks and suitcases at the customer sevice desk when you come in,” Gloria said, “well they need to have duct tape at the front doors with instructions that no child may enter without their mouths being taped up first.”

“Yes, that way none of us will be singled out and pointed at for being abusive mothers when we do it,” Trudy said. We all nodded in agreement.

“You know in some stores they have those taste testing stands…” Hazel said.

“Do I,” said Gloria, “I had to wrestle my kid away from those things just the other day. He thought he could eat lunch there.”

“Well they should have Prozac stands,” Hazel said.

“Then they would have to wrestle me away from them,” Gloria said.

So the next time you’re all out there, keep an eye out for those mothers. Our eyes are glazed over and we are smiling.

Always watch out for smiling moms. It’s a dangerous thing.

*****

Note: While searching for a picture to go with this story I googled in "shopping with kids clip art". All I got was pictures of happy shoppers. Obviously the artists who create these images have never been shopping with kids. Or, they were warned by merchants that if they conveyed the truth they would get cement shoes and a chance to go swimming while wearing chains.

 On July 10, 1980 I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. I was seventeen (yes, I know, I'm giving away my age).

Since that time I have had experiences and questions that both cause my testimony to grow and create doubt as to the truthfulness of the church. This I believe is necessary in the our quest to know God. A testimony that never questions itself doesn't grow. A testimony that never doubts never tests. Faith is not immovable never changing. Faith has growing pains, times when we root ourselves in the ground and times when we fly.

There are some doctrines I don't agree with. You can't convince me that plural marriage was inspired, nor do I believe that only men should hold the priesthood, or that the priesthood should have been denied to African American's for so long.

But although there are many things that our church has in common with others – the gift of redemption, the belief in Jesus Christ the Savior, the sanctity of family, charity, there are other things unique to the church that I hold dear and cannot find anywhere else.

This is where my testimony of the church comes from. As sure as my testimony that God exists, I sincerely believe that Joseph Smith was visited by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I sincerely believe that he was directed to restore the church. I may have problems with some of Joseph Smith's other actions such as instituting plural marriage, his apparent manipulation of members, and destroying the printing press of the enemy, but what he did later in his life has little bearing on what he did when he was a young, innocent and teachable man. I see Joseph like I see David of biblical times. What David did while he was king does not take away from his killing the giant in his youth with the help of God.

Explaining my surety of the First Vision to non-members of the Church of Jesus Christ is like trying to explain the existence of God to an atheist. We do not speak the same language, nor does our sense of logic match. Although it's illogical to me that this world just happened without any direction, an atheist cannot imagine a being capable of creating such a wonder.

I always come back to the question I had when I first learned of the first vision. If God is all powerful, why couldn't he appear to a fourteen year old boy?

A few years ago when members of the church were challenged by then prophet President Hinkley to read the Book of Mormon within a certain time span, I took up the challenge. As I did so, I highlighted every time Jesus is mentioned or speaks. My Book of Mormon is covered with these little highlights. On every page in fact.

There are those who claim that Joseph wrote the Book of Mormon. It is impossible for a man with Joseph Smith's little education to have written the Book of Mormon. Studies done on the Book of Mormon reveal several different authors as well as different styles of writing. There is no other viable explanation for it that I have come across. How did the Book of Mormon come into existence?

It is also a testament to me that Heavenly Father cares for all his children. Those who view the bible as the only word of God overlook that the bible comes from one area of a vast world. Wouldn't it make sense that if God loves His children He would provide prophets and guidance for all of them, not just the ones in a small area? And wouldn't it makes sense that those leaders would keep a record? It would also stand to reason that there may be other records out there that have not been discovered or that are purposely hidden away. A God that provides direction to only small portion of the people that He created is illogical.

There are also stories in the Book of Mormon - most notably for me the visitation of Christ to the Nephites, that testify of His love and concern for all. When I read this I have no doubt as to the truthfulness of the record.


The bible testifies of this.

Genesis 1:26 ¶ And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness:

Not only does this show God speaking to someone who is like Him, but it also hints at a Heavenly Mother, for Eve was not made in the exact image of Heavenly Father but she was made in the image of someone.

Matthew 3:16 And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him:


17: And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

Here we have an example of three distinct beings. Jesus rising from baptism, the Holy Ghost descending like a dove, and the voice of Heavenly Father saying how pleased he is with His Son.

Matthew 17:


1 AND after six days Jesus taketh Peter, James, and John his brother, and bringeth them up into an high mountain apart,


2 And was transfigured before them: and his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.


3 And, behold, there appeared unto them Moses and Elias talking with him.


4 Then answered Peter, and said unto Jesus, Lord, it is good for us to be here: if thou wilt, let us make here three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias.

5 While he yet spake, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them: and behold a voice out of the cloud, which said, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him.


6 And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face, and were sore afraid.


7 And Jesus came and touched them, and said, Arise, and be not afraid.

Another example of Heavenly Father and Jesus being separate and distinct beings.

In the Garden of Gethsemane -

Matthew 26:39
And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.
At the age of 12 Jesus astounded those in the temple with his wisdom. He explained to his parents who chastised him because they didn't know where he had been

And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business? Luke 2:49

John 10:
32 Jesus answered them, Many good works have I shewed you from my Father; for which of those works do ye stone me?


33 The Jews answered him, saying, For a good work we stone thee not; but for blasphemy; and because that thou, being a man, makest thyself God.


34 Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods?

35 If he called them gods, unto whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken;


36 Say ye of him, whom the Father hath sanctified, and sent into the world, Thou blasphemest; because I said, I am the Son of God?


37 If I do not the works of my Father, believe me not.


38 But if I do, though ye believe not me, believe the works: that ye may know, and believe, that the Father is in me, and I in him.

This apparently has caused some confusion by Christ's statement that the Father is in him and many churches use this as an example that the Father, Son and Holy Ghost are all the same being. Yet Jesus continues to reference the Father as a separate being. We can be one with another and yet be distinct separate beings. We are all asked to be one with the Father.

John 14 is filled with Jesus referencing the Father. Here is an excerpt.

26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.


27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.


28 Ye have heard how I said unto you, I go away, and come again unto you. If ye loved me, ye would rejoice, because I said, I go unto the Father: for my Father is greater than I.

29 And now I have told you before it come to pass, that, when it is come to pass, ye might believe.


30 Hereafter I will not talk much with you: for the prince of this world cometh, and hath nothing in me.


31 But that the world may know that I love the Father; and as the Father gave me commandment, even so I do. Arise, let us go hence.

John 15:1 I AM the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman.

Mark 15:34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Acts 5:


29 ¶ Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.


30 The God of our fathers raised up Jesus, whom ye slew and hanged on a tree.


31 Him hath God exalted with his right hand to be a Prince and a Saviour, for to give repentance to Israel, and forgiveness of sins.


32 And we are his witnesses of these things; and so is also the Holy Ghost, whom God hath given to them that obey him.

I hadn't intended on focusing so much on this point but there's so many examples of this principle and it's in the Bible, the scriptures that we share with our Christian brothers and sisters. How did this other concept of them being one being come to be embraced? It's not logical. A simple and straightforward principal has become complicated and confusing.

As far as I know, the LDS church is the only one who has apostles. It's astonishing really. Jesus Christ set His church up calling His Apostles and after His death Peter became the head. If Christ did this, why hasn't every other Christian church done the same? We see another example of this in the Book of Mormon when Jesus comes to the Nephites and establishes His church there setting aside twelve apostles. To the other churches I ask “Where are your apostles?”

Throughout the bible there are example after example of a prophet or even several at the same time since there wasn't the communication then that we have now. Those men stand for God and are His mouthpiece. The argument is that since Christ came and fulfilled the law we have no need of prophets, but that has proven to be untrue. Why? Because the Christian church has splintered all over the place. The trick here is to know true prophets from false ones. I believe that President Monson and the presidents that came before him were prophets.


When I first heard this principal I had what I call a heart memory. It was instant knowledge that we did indeed live before with the Father up in heaven. There are several references to it in the Bible.

Jerimiah 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

 I love that scripture. It was directed towards Jerimiah but it stands to reason that God knew us all before we were born.

Revelations 12:7 And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,


 8 And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven.


 9 And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.

The LDS church has scriptures that support these and go into greater detail. I know of no other church that teaches of our premortal life. Now there's an exciting adventure story.


There is no arbitrary picking and choosing of those who will get an opportunity to return home. If God is fair and loving He provides a way for all to return home. There are Christian churches that teach that if you don't accept the Savior in this life then you will never be able to. How fair is that?


All children are innocent before God. They are not accountable for things they have no control over. We have no infant baptism for children do not need to be baptized. How marvelous to know this especially for those parents who have lost children.



This is a promise that the relationships that we forge here on earth can continue in heaven if we choose. Many churches don't teach this and yet many people believe this. Most likely another heart memory. A mass heart memory. It's a part of those who believe in God. The concept of never seeing our loved ones again is too harsh a punishment for most of us to bear. The church also teaches that those who do not have the opportunity to obtain or retain an eternal companion in this life will have the opportunity later. How comforting. Especially for someone like me who has gone through a necessary divorce. I read the last book in the Left Behind series that taught that those who were righteous but didn't have a chance to marry would forever be alone. That doesn't sound like something from a kind and loving God. That's your reward for being a follower of God? It doesn't make sense to have to be punished for being good.


The LDS church believes in other worlds, other planets, other people. It's logical that if God had created one earth He would have created others. In fact it smacks in the face of the atheist who believes that the earth somehow happened, because the impossibility of it happening once only rises in improbability that it happens again.

It's good to know there's more than two choices. We are not all bad and we are not all good. We are a little of both so it stands to reason that there are different degrees of righteousness and one bad mistake will not send us hurtling to hell.


We are all children of God. Everyone. Every single person who has ever been born or ever will be. He loves ALL of us. Even the unrighteous and wicked. As a parent, I understand this. It doesn't mean He excuses bad behavior and in fact he probably feels more sorrow than we can begin to imagine for He will have to turn away so many of His children. He has provided a way for ALL to return yet many of us will choose not to.


No sitting around on clouds playing harps. Heaven is a place where we grow and learn and teach. It's a place where we love and are loved. A place where we feel joy and sorrow. We are ever growing and never stagnant in Heaven and our potential is unlimited.

I am sure there are other things that I have momentarily forgotten. There is so much within the church that I would never find out of it. So what if there are things that I don't understand, or agree with.

In fact knowing that the prophets and apostles are human and make mistakes only adds to my testimony. Heavenly Father loves all of us and uses us in our imperfections. If that means growing pains for the church then so be it. I love the fact that the church does not stay stagnant yet still holds on to the principles that are truly important. I love that I am not expected to blindly follow anyone off a cliff but I'm to pray about the things that I am told and then proceed as I see fit. Heavenly Father allows us, expects us, to make mistakes and that includes the leaders of the church because that's how we learn. So at one point we had polygamy which I am sad to say hasn't born any good fruit. But the church corrected itself. At one point not all men could receive the priesthood, that too has been corrected. There was the situation when women in the church were excommunicated for supporting equality. The very things they fought for are being embraced. At one point birth control was frowned on. Counsel has changed on that as have a lot of beliefs regarding abuse, rape and sexual relations between husband and wife. Things change because knowledge changes and it appears that Heavenly Father does not give us or prophets knowledge that we or society is not ready for. Yet the real things stay the same. Heavenly Father loves us. We are all children of God. Jesus Christ is the Savior and suffered for us in Gethsemane, died for us, and then was resurrected so that we will be as well.

For more on the church go to mormon.org or lds.org These are both official sites of the church and more in depth study can be found there.

I do not speak for the church. I do not have the authority to do so, thank goodness. I speak for myself and have formed my own opinions.

“Welcome to Earth 101. I am your instructor, Henry. Is there anyone here that is not supposed to be here? Good. I am passing out packages for this course. Please take the one with your name on it and pass the rest down.


You have each received a different package. Although it may appear to be the luck of the draw, it is not. These packages have been specially chosen for you. There will be no trading.

You will notice in each of these packages a dossier. Take a look at the pictures. Read the biographies. Those people you see will be your family. As we get further on in the course we will be observing them. Study them. It is important that you know and understand them. You will be living your lives around these people.

“Excuse me?”

“Yes?”

“There seems to be some mistake. I put in for a mission for a rich family in the United States and this package says I will be serving in Ethiopia among the poor.”

“I can assure you. It is not a mistake.”

“Moving along, although your memories will be taken away, there will be certain things that you will instinctively know how to do. We will teach you these things here.

For instance you will learn here how to make a production of going to bed. Baths, stories, pyjamas, hugs and kisses, goodnights, prayers, lost teddy bears, baby blankets, snacks, drinks of water, trips to the bathroom, scary monsters under the bed or in the closet, all will be techniques you will use to delay night time sleep.

Another example - when you are taking a long trip in the car, or on a train, or a bus, or a plane, you will repeatedly ask your parents, “Are we there yet?” Furthermore, even though you have just been at a rest stop and assured your parents that you do not need to use it, ten minutes later while you are driving down the highway you will suddenly announce that you must go to the bathroom immediately."

“Excuse me, sir. What is this ‘go to the bathroom?’

“That will be one of the things you will learn on earth that will teach your parents many things.”

“We will be teaching them?”

“Yes. You will teach them things such as love, patience, fortitude, endurance, and forgiveness. They will learn to be as a child again, yet they will have tremendous powers. You will also teach them time management, delegation, charity, sacrifice, unselfishness, and the ability to learn to accept imperfections yet still be able to motivate you to go beyond what you thought you could do.”

“We’re going to teach them all that?”

“Oh yes, all that and more.”

“Now, we are not expecting that you will accomplish this immediately. You will start small. We will give you the tools. Initially you will be given an annoying cry that will break out sometime in the evening when your parents will be under the foolish impression that they can relax. Along with that cry you will be given the endurance to keep it going until well into the early hours of the morning. As you grow older you will be given other tools. An annoying whine, a piercing scream, the ability to climb great heights without fear and a quick brain that will allow you to think of things that your parents had not thought of yet. You will be able to eat things that are not for normal digestion, yet have the willpower to turn away from those foods that others find tempting. As you grow older you will question your parents at every turn. Keep those questions coming. That’s how they learn.

“Before you get too cocky about this, I have also given your parents tools. For instance, mothers will have the ability to see out of the backs of their heads, and fathers will be able to make you feel like slugs under rocks just by looking at you.

Are there any questions?”

“I don’t want to go to Ethiopia.”

“Was that a question?”

“Can I get a transfer?”

“No. Next question.”

“I’ll trade a villa in Italy for something in France”.

“How about a trailer park in Iowa?”

“I’ll take the villa for a chateau in Paris.”

“You’ve got it.”

“STOP! STOP! STOP! You cannot transfer, trade buy or sell your missions! You get what you get! Now there’s the bell. Homework tonight is…”

“You’re giving us homework on our first day?”

“Your homework for tonight is to study those dossiers. There will be a test on them tomorrow.”

“Oh man, a test already?”

“I can see now that you will teach your parents well. See you first thing tomorrow.”

It's the day after Halloween which means two things. Chocolate coma and the first day of NaNoWriMo.

For those of you who don't know, NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month.

Which means that there quite a few of us who are desperately writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November.

Why they pick the month before December I don't know. If you are a NaNo it means that you can't possibly get ready for Christmas before December. It's been a dream of mine to have all the presents wrapped and all the baking done and in the freezer ready for the first of December when I can spend the month just enjoying the season.

But that dream has to be put aside as long as I insist on doing NaNo.

So I was good. I got to bed at a decent time last night - I was actually tired at 11. What's up with that? Which had me awake at 5 normally I time I get to bed these days. I wrote my first 2571 words this morning.

I figured out that if I take off weekends and my birthday I can get the 50,000 words in by writing 2500 a day. I'm already ahead 71 words.

I've accomplished this twice. If you look at my sidebar and scroll down you'll see my 2004 and 2006 winner badges. Yeah, that's what you get for a prize.

But at least I've got chocolate. It's a requirement.

“Noah, what are you doing?” Noah’s wife asked him. “You’re making a big mess. I hope you don’t expect me to clean this up.”

“I’m building an ark.” Noah replied.

“What’s an ark?

“It’s a big boat.”

“You’re building a boat in the middle of the desert?”

“Yep.”

“Do you know anything about boat building?”

“Nope.”

“I guess not, since you’re building it in the middle of the desert. Why are you building a boat in the middle of the desert?”

“God told me to.”

Her eyebrows rose up, “God told you to build a boat.”

“Yep.”

“In the middle of the desert.”

“Yep.”

“I can’t even get you to fix the front door, and you’re building a boat.”

“God didn’t tell me to fix the front door.”

“God isn’t the one who cooks your dinner either.”

“I’ll fix the front door when I’m done here.”

“When are you going to be done here?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how long it takes to build a boat. I’m still getting the trees.”

“Well, when you’re done building the boat, I’ll get your dinner.”

“All right, Woman, I’ll fix your door.”

“Honey, is this because of your 600th birthday? Are you having a mid-life crisis?”

“I am not having a mid-life crisis.”

His wife shook her head, “Other men just buy a fast horse or lose a little weight, mine builds a boat, in the middle of the desert, no less.”

Noah ignored her and continued working.

“How big is this boat going to be?” she asked him.

“Big. Big enough for two of every animal and all of our family.”

“Hmm, I suppose I could always turn it into a bed and breakfast.”

“Hey, Mom!” Three boys called out to her. She looked out into the distance to see her strong strapping youths coming towards them carrying tree trunks.

“Did you hear, Mom? Dad’s building an ark!”

“Yes, I heard, Shem. I see you’re helping him.”

“It’ll be cool.”

“Well, I doubt that it will be wet,” she replied.

Ham laughed while his brothers and Noah and  glared at him.

“Didn’t Dad tell you?” Japheth asked.

“Tell me what?”

“It’s going to rain.”

“Oh, well in that case, by all means build a boat. Don’t let me stop you. But I still need someone to fix the front door.”


“They have to get wives.” Noah said to her one day.

“They’re too young,” his wife said.

“They’re all around a hundred years old.”

“Barely out of babyhood. Do you really think Ham is ready to get married? That boy can’t even make his own bed.”

“A wife could do that.”

“Oh yes, that’s what we women are good for.”

“Nevertheless, I have sent them out to get wives.”

“Just like that! Do you know how long it takes to plan a wedding, never mind three weddings?”

“Hey, if I can build an ark, you can plan a few weddings.”

“Fine! But I still need my front door fixed!”

***

She watched as Noah and the boys brought the animals on two by two into the ark. Then she sighed, “I won’t be able to turn that boat into a bed and breakfast now.”

She overheard her sons singing “The ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah.”




After a nasty battle with sea sickness, she was able to get back on her feet and wander around the ark.

“Whose turn is it to clean up this mess!” she shouted looking around in disgust at the animal quarters. “Honestly, you people want pets and then you don’t even take care of them!”

“It’s Shem’s turn!” Ham shouted.

“It is not! It’s yours.”

“It is not. Maybe it’s Japheths.”

Noah’s wife stood with her arms folded in front of her. “I don’t care whose turn it is, you all can do it!” She spun around and stepped on a shovel which sprang up and hit her on the face.

“Who left this shovel in the middle of the floor!” she shouted.

“Ida Know,” they all said.

“Ida Know didn’t get permission from God to be on the boat! Where’s your father?”

“He’s talking to God.”

“Of course he’s talking to God. He’s always talking to God when there’s something to be done. Well, he’s going to talk to me.”


Ham’s wife sighed and said to her husband, “I’ll be so glad when we don’t have to live with your mother anymore.”

Shem and Japheth’s wives nodded in agreement. “Yeah, she makes us do everything around here.”


Noah and his wife stood on dry land gazing out at the water that was receding. He held her hand. “I love you,” he said.

A few years ago I belonged to a writers group that sent out prompts. One of them was this picture. I discovered this while looking for another piece that I had written. Still haven't found that one. So here is what I wrote for this picture. I'd love to see other responses.

“Okay, everyone places.”

“Lois, they’re not looking rough enough, put a little makeup on them.”

“Sean, stop jumping off the beam. I know it’s just a couple of feet, we’ll be putting in the city shots later.”

“Okay guys, line up and look like your eating lunch.

“What do you mean ‘what’s my motivation’? You’re motivation is eating lunch.”

“No, you’re not getting danger pay for stunt shots. There are no stunts. You’re only three feet from the ground.”

“Where’s the caterer? Darcy wants horseradish for his roast beef.”

“No, Craig, there’s no Grey Poupon. You’ll have to live with regular yellow mustard.”

“Jordan, if you guys all cooperate you’ll have plenty of time to make it to your JLo video rehearsal.”

“Yes, Brock, I’m aware that we ruined your manicure. I promise, everyone can have manicures after these shots.”

“And loofah’s too.”

“Okay, look rough and mean. Pretend you had a fight with your wife.”

“Sure, Vincent. You can pretend you had a fight with your husband. Just don’t look like it.”

“I know Tigh is blowing smoke in your face, Mackenzie. You’ll just have to put up with it for the shots. We’ll get you a cancer screening test right after.”

“Jaimie, what’s in that cigarette! You can’t smoke that here! Lois! We need a tobacco cigarette!”

“Hold it, Carrigan is holding up a newspaper with one of his own ads in it. We can’t have a construction worker holding up a photo where he’s modeling underwear! Someone get another newspaper!”

“Dean, stop asking me what your motivation is! You’re a construction worker eating lunch on a skyscraper! What more do you need?”

“Fine, Dean, you’re a suicidal construction worker with vertigo eating lunch on a skyscraper. Whatever works for you.”

“Everybody stop smiling! I know you all spent a fortune for caps, but this isn’t the time to show them!”

“Okay, great shots. You can all go now.”

“I should have listened to my mother and become a brain surgeon. It would have been less stressful.”