Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Welcome to Earth 101

“Welcome to Earth 101. I am your instructor, Henry. Is there anyone here that is not supposed to be here? Good. I am passing out packages for this course. Please take the one with your name on it and pass the rest down.

You have each received a different package. Although it may appear to be the luck of the draw, it is not. These packages have been specially chosen for you. There will be no trading.

You will notice in each of these packages a dossier. Take a look at the pictures. Read the biographies. Those people you see will be your family. As we get further on in the course we will be observing them. Study them. It is important that you know and understand them. You will be living your lives around these people.

“Excuse me?”


“There seems to be some mistake. I put in for a mission for a rich family in the United States and this package says I will be serving in Ethiopia among the poor.”

“I can assure you. It is not a mistake.”

“Moving along, although your memories will be taken away, there will be certain things that you will instinctively know how to do. We will teach you these things here.

For instance you will learn here how to make a production of going to bed. Baths, stories, pyjamas, hugs and kisses, goodnights, prayers, lost teddy bears, baby blankets, snacks, drinks of water, trips to the bathroom, scary monsters under the bed or in the closet, all will be techniques you will use to delay night time sleep.

Another example - when you are taking a long trip in the car, or on a train, or a bus, or a plane, you will repeatedly ask your parents, “Are we there yet?” Furthermore, even though you have just been at a rest stop and assured your parents that you do not need to use it, ten minutes later while you are driving down the highway you will suddenly announce that you must go to the bathroom immediately."

“Excuse me, sir. What is this ‘go to the bathroom?’

“That will be one of the things you will learn on earth that will teach your parents many things.”

“We will be teaching them?”

“Yes. You will teach them things such as love, patience, fortitude, endurance, and forgiveness. They will learn to be as a child again, yet they will have tremendous powers. You will also teach them time management, delegation, charity, sacrifice, unselfishness, and the ability to learn to accept imperfections yet still be able to motivate you to go beyond what you thought you could do.”

“We’re going to teach them all that?”

“Oh yes, all that and more.”

“Now, we are not expecting that you will accomplish this immediately. You will start small. We will give you the tools. Initially you will be given an annoying cry that will break out sometime in the evening when your parents will be under the foolish impression that they can relax. Along with that cry you will be given the endurance to keep it going until well into the early hours of the morning. As you grow older you will be given other tools. An annoying whine, a piercing scream, the ability to climb great heights without fear and a quick brain that will allow you to think of things that your parents had not thought of yet. You will be able to eat things that are not for normal digestion, yet have the willpower to turn away from those foods that others find tempting. As you grow older you will question your parents at every turn. Keep those questions coming. That’s how they learn.

“Before you get too cocky about this, I have also given your parents tools. For instance, mothers will have the ability to see out of the backs of their heads, and fathers will be able to make you feel like slugs under rocks just by looking at you.

Are there any questions?”

“I don’t want to go to Ethiopia.”

“Was that a question?”

“Can I get a transfer?”

“No. Next question.”

“I’ll trade a villa in Italy for something in France”.

“How about a trailer park in Iowa?”

“I’ll take the villa for a chateau in Paris.”

“You’ve got it.”

“STOP! STOP! STOP! You cannot transfer, trade buy or sell your missions! You get what you get! Now there’s the bell. Homework tonight is…”

“You’re giving us homework on our first day?”

“Your homework for tonight is to study those dossiers. There will be a test on them tomorrow.”

“Oh man, a test already?”

“I can see now that you will teach your parents well. See you first thing tomorrow.”