Monday, December 7, 2015

Donald Trump's To-Do List

I got it.

Yep. I got it. It took some undercover work, money spent on black clothes, a divers suit, night time
goggles, a lock picking kit, and a taser gun, but I got it.

Donald Trump's To-Do List

I realize I might be putting my life at risk exposing this, but I believe in putting things out in the open that affects the public.

So here it is. If you don't hear from me again, you know that something went horribly wrong. I want my disappearance investigated.

Donald Trump's To-Do List

  • Do my daily mantra. "I am the greatest man in the world." Breathe in. "I am the greatest man in the world." Breathe out.
  • Go to hairdresser. Check into the possibility of more hair plugs. I need it fuller.
  • Accuse all Muslims of being terrorists. Threaten them with a database, wearing symbols, and destroying their mosques. After all, it's been successful before.
  • Remind everyone about what a great business man I am.
  • Declare bankruptcy.
  • Go into my vault and roll around in my money
  • Say something insulting about women. That gets them riled up and makes them look like the unreasonable creatures they are. If they're ugly, then tell them that.
  • Have tryst in private jet with ____.  Give her a diamond necklace and a picture of me. Tell her she's the only one.
  • Read for 15 minutes from Mein Kampf
  • Have all employees sign a contract stating that they will become members of the Republican Party and that they will vote for me. Refusal to sign will be cause for termination.
  • While firing people, check to see if there are any women in my employ who might get more favorable media attention than I will. We don't want that happening again.
  • Practice saying "You're Fired" in front of the mirror. I know I'm already the best at it, but it's just so much fun.
  • Have tryst in private yacht with _____. Give her diamond earrings and a picture of me. Tell her she's the only one. 
  • Tell everyone that all Mexicans are drug dealers and rapists.
  • Study Adolf and his party and figure out where he went wrong.
  • Talk to lawyer. Wife is getting a little old for me.
  • Look for new wife among Miss USA contestants.
  • Round of golf!
  • Admire myself in the mirror. All those Apprentice women flirted with me for a reason!
  • Remind everyone about what a great philanthropist I am.
  • Check to see which so called comedians made fun of me. Look closely at Rosie O'Donnell. 
  • Make fun of disabled people.
  • Call Rosie O'Donnell fat.
  • Practice walking on water. 
  • Insult veterans, especially the prisoners of war. They shouldn't have been caught. Who knows what information they leaked.
  • Sue someone. There must be somebody.
  • Get quotes on building that wall. Make sure we hire cheap Mexicans to do it.
  • Criticize the media. Call them a bunch of losers and liars.
  • Call media to make sure they know where to find me.
  • Have quality family time. Dinner maybe with all my kids. Remind them that I can take away everything, ruin their reputations and erase them from the will.  
  • Have meeting with leader of Isis. Talk about further plans to tear Americans apart so that I can be King of the World. 
  • Thank God for making me the greatest man in the world and worthy of being King.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

The Dream Scheme Part 5: If You Think It's a Scam...

Image result for if you think it's a scam

I saw this saying (without Leo) on a t-shirt an MLMer I personally know wears.

If you think it's a scam; I still get paid.
If it's too good to be true; I still get paid.
If you join me; we both get paid.
If you don't join me; I still get paid.
Whatever you decide, I still get paid!

So what this is telling me, is that the wearer doesn't care if it's a scam as long as he/she gets paid. There's not a denial of it being a scam. Just a boast that they are getting paid for something that could very well be a scam and an invitation to join in on the scam.

Very Interesting.

As for me, I think I'll just avoid the scam all together - even if it means I don't get paid. I'm kind of funny that way.

By the way, does Leo Dicaprio know that MLM's are using him?

The Dream Scheme Part 4: Those Sales Tactics

Ways to Reel Them In:

1. Invite your victim friend over for dinner. Make sure you let them know their company is sincerely wanted. Give them a really nice dinner, then show them your "opportunity". They will be ever so grateful.

2. Invite them out of an evening of fun. Tell them it's a surprise. Then take them to an opportunity meeting. Surprise! They will be so grateful.

3. If you have houseguests, sit them down for an evening of fun and games. Then bring out the "opportunity". They will thank you for it.

4. While talking to friends, aquaintances and co-workers watch for magic words or phrases. If someone mentions that they are looking for a job, looking for another way to make money, wish they could find something different, or lamenting about not having enough money, these are cues to introduce them to the opportunity. If your product is health food you can also listen for mentions of desire to lose weight, eat healthier or feel better. These are important keys to let you know that this person is ready for the "opportunity". So keep your ears open. Especially watch out for the words - cancer, diet, tired, pms, or doctor.

5. Make sure when you share the opportunity that you let them know it's a "new" business model. It isn't, but they don't have to know that.

6. Never, ever let them know up front what it is. Tell the it's a business opportunity. Don't say it's multi-level marketing. You might even consider not letting them know what business it is.

7. Tell them they hardly have to work. Well, tell them that initially. Once they're signed up, then tell them that they have to put their all into it.

8. Make sure you advertise all over the internet. When someone does research on your company you want to be sure they have trouble finding anything negative. Everything that comes up about your company should be positive. If everyone in the company pitches in and does this, then everything that pops up on google will be positive.

9. Only give out links to positive endorsements. You don't want negative Nellies around. We have spent a lot of money on these endorsements. Use them.

10. Do not focus on the start up costs. Every business has start up costs. Focus on how much they will make. Do not get into finances except showing them one of your checks from the company. Finances come later after they've signed up.

11. Tell them how much freedom you have and how many vacations the people above you take. Tell them about the successes in the company.

12. Memorize the lines and answers we give you. We know what works. Stick with the script.

 Special instructions for health food industry:

13.  Emphasize how healthy everything is. Even if it's loaded with ingredients that don't sound like real food, assure them that it is real food. Remind them that they "are what they eat" and people who don't eat healthy are not good people.

14. If they complain about the food and that it makes them feel sick, or that they don't like it, then tell them it's the toxins working their way out of their bodies, and once they get used to the food they will love it! It's the toxins that prevent them from liking the food and it's the toxins making them sick, not the food.

Note: Most people in an MLM are sincere. They believe in what they're doing. They are victims of a scam. Most of them have no idea when they say their lines, that the lines are used by other MLM's and have been used for years. They think it's original. They often think that their MLM is a new forward and upcoming business model that no one has done before. Those that figure it out may be hesitant to leave because they've already sunk in thousands of dollars and might be too embarrassed to admit they were wrong. Some of these people have experienced mild success but haven't been honest with themselves about the money spent to reach this success. Financial success is figured out by checks coming in - not balanced by money going out. Success is also figured out by levels reached - often determined by how much is spent.

All businesses have the potential to fail. But MLM's are set up for failure where only a small number of people will succeed - just enough to convince people that they too can succeed. MLM's can't succeed to the extent that they promise - or everyone would be in one and there would be a glut on the market which will result in failure.

If you need to join an MLM to purchase the product at a reasonable price, it's a pyramid scheme. If the emphasis is on the business and not on the product, it's a pyramid scheme. If they are not up front with you about the product or the business, it's a pyramid scheme. If someone is cryptically referring to their business and not saying what the business is, it's a pyramid scheme - they are waiting for you to ask so they can introduce you to the opportunity. If after purchasing product you are pressured to introduce the product to others - it's a pyramid scheme.

Real businesses, although friendly to other similar businesses, do not want everyone else to have the same business. Competition is healthy to a certain point. It's why you can have a McDonalds, a Taco Bell, an A&W and a Wendy's all within walking distance (or even the same corner), but you won't find two McDonalds side by side. McDonalds won't do that to their owners. It's not good for business. But that's what MLMs do. They won't open a brick and mortar business, but the whole set up requires you to introduce the opportunity to your friends, acquaintances and neighbors which means that you will all be selling the exact same thing to many of the same people. It's like having a bunch of McDonalds on the same block. You will find with many MLM's, clusters of people doing the same thing in the same physical area.

It just doesn't work.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Just Enough Room for the Borrowers

Remember when we all used to ooh and aah over those huge mansions that celebrities and billionaires had?

Movie rooms, two swimming pools (one in, one out), hairdressing salons, game rooms, workout rooms, places to house the family elephant - those kind of houses.

Well now it seems if I trust Facebook, we're all oohing and aahing over little teeny tiny houses.

 Sometimes they're not even houses. Sometimes they're dumpsters, cardboard boxes and garbage cans. Apparently Oscar the Grouch was ahead of his time.

These people have created homes where you can sneeze in your kitchen and hit the bedroom. One piece of furniture is your bed, bookshelf, couch, dining table, and closet. You can have a shower while sitting on your toilet (saves time), make breakfast without getting out of bed (a new meaning to breakfast in bed), and do yoga while watching tv (the tv is so close that your legs are around your ears).

No more calling the kids to dinner. They're right under your feet. You never have to worry about your baby running away since there isn't room to learn how to walk. And it's pretty hard to have a fight with your spouse when the only way you can both be in the same room is to be in each others arms, and who can fight when you're cuddling?

When I was a little girl I always wanted a play house. There was a girl just down the street from me whose Daddy built her a play castle. She had two stories!

Who knew that one day, grown ups would be using the same blueprints to build actual houses?

Frankly, it's a little too claustrophobic for me. It would be like being in second class of an airplane that never lands.


Fun sites to view adorable houses (they're so cute - but I think you have to be an elf or a fairy to live in them.)

Monday, July 13, 2015

Little Audrey Among the Boys

I have a granddaughter named Audrey. Whenever I think of her I'm reminded of a cartoon I loved as a little girl.

Little Audrey didn't show up on my after school cartoons very often. When she did I was glued to the set. I don't remember much about them except for the one where she goes under the sea.

In preparing for this post I went to youtube and watched several Little Audrey cartoons. They all seem to have some things in common.

Little Audrey has adventures.
She's tough, smart, sassy, and resourceful.
The one time I saw her being rescued, it was by her tough, smart, resourceful grandmother who could really kick butt.
When she makes a mistake she feels remorse and tries to make things right.
She isn't perfect.

So why did this little cartoon that didn't really have a huge following mean so much to me?

It's simple. Audrey is a girl.

In the world of children's programming, there really weren't many girls.

In the evenings I had Marlo Thomas, Doris Day, Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett but children's programming was most decidedly male.

Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Tom and Jerry, Sylvester and Tweety, Foghorn Leghorn, Squiddly Diddly, Huckleberry Hound, all male. Popeye and Brutus fought over Olive Oyl who didn't do much but act helpless and annoying. Casper came from an all male household although his friend Wendy the Witch was thankfully interesting.

And even though the Disney world had princesses, in the 1960's we didn't have VCRs or DVDs to watch them. We got Mickey and Donald and Goofy. Sure there was Minnie and Daisy but they were only there as girlfriends, not as characters of worth on their own.

I watched the Friendly Giant who was male and his friends Rusty and Jerome. I watched Mr. Dressup with his friends Casey and Finnegan.

Scooby Doo  had Daphne and Velma but Daphne didn't do much but stand around looking pretty, and although Velma was the smart one of the bunch, she was boring and humorless.

I loved the Archie gang, except for the part where Betty and Veronica fight over Archie. I mean why? He was just playing them off each other. At least Reggie was honest about being a bad guy.

Even Sesame Street, that great TV wonder that broke down racial barriers and embraced differences and gave disabled kids role models, was almost male exclusive among the Muppets. Kermit, Oscar, Grover, Cookie Monster, The Count, Big Bird, Bert and Ernie, Elmo, all male characters. Sesame Street didn't bother to break down gender barriers. It didn't see the need.

Even later when the Muppets made their debut, Miss Piggy (played by a man) was pretty much the lone female among her counterparts. Kermit, Fozzy, Gonzo, the guys in the balcony, the Eagle, the scientists, Animal, all male.

Girls were almost invisible. Fine as girlfriends. Not worth much on their own. It's a befuddling thing in a world where women make up half the population.

As my daughter pointed out and I've heard this too, it was believed that girls will watch stories about boys but boys won't watch stories about girls.

But as it turns out, that isn't true either. The Hunger Games and the Divergent Series both have strong female warriors. To Kill a Mockingbird is told from a girl's perspective. And although Harry Potter is about Harry, the women in the stories, most notably Hermione, are strong characters on their own and far more than writers tools to make the boy impressive.  Before Little Audrey came along, books were filled with female protagonists. Anne of Green Gables, Little House on the Prairie, Alice in Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz, The Chronicles of Narnia, A Wrinkle in Time, National Velvet, and Nancy Drew all had strong and resourceful female protagonists and they were all successful.

But for some reason, in the sixties, girls disappeared in children's programming. Our view of females after school and on Saturday mornings, was limited to commercials on TV with girls playing with dolls and the game Mystery Date.

The strange thing about all this? I didn't really realize it until the other day when I was talking about it to Audrey's dad.

It's so much a part of us, that we don't even know when we're being excluded. And that makes me a little sad.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

In Which Religious Freedom Equals the Right to Be a Jerk

To the ultra conservative Jewish men out there...

There have been recent reports that certain members of your group have been holding up planes - not with guns - but with refusals to sit down and behave themselves.

Why? Because you don't want to sit by women. Apparently women have cooties.

You claim religious freedom.

I'm all for religious freedom. Until it infringes on someone else's freedom. And holding up a plane because you can't sit down and behave yourself is infringing on every one else's freedom to get to the place that they already paid to go to.

Furthermore, dear airlines, stop asking and pressuring women to move to accommodate these men.

Sure there are those who say "why can't she just be accommodating. Moving is not that big a deal."

I'm all for being accommodating. If you are a mother who wants to be near your children so you can keep an eye on them, I'll move for you. If you're a couple who wants to sit together, fine, especially if I can have a window seat.

But if you're asking me to move, not because of a specific need, but because of who I am, then that's where I say no.

Imagine if the airline asked a black man to move because the KKK member refused to sit next to him because his "religious belief that God hates black people" prevents it. Or if a member of the Westboro Baptist church insisted that he can't sit by a gay man, would the airline ask the gay guy to move?

I highly doubt it. And nor should they.

But it's perfectly fine to ask a woman to move. Women are nice. Women are accommodating. Women aren't that important anyway. And if the woman would just get up and move then the nice Jewish man can sit down and the plane can get up in the air and everyone will be on their way.

It's always the woman's fault.

Seems to me gentlemen, if you want to play ring around the rosie with seating plans, then buy your own plane. If you really don't want to sit by a woman then buy two tickets. Or talk to the airlines when you purchase your ticket. Or bring a friend who isn't afraid of girl cooties. Or walk, bus, drive a car, or swim to where you're going.

And if you fear that if you sit by her she will jump your attractive as you think you are - it's unlikely to happen. Don't believe those letters about the mile high club that you read from the secret Playboy you stash under your mattress.

And if you can't control yourself when you sit by a woman, then you should not be in public at all and perhaps should check yourself into an all male facility where they treat sex addicts. You might want to sit by women after that as the safer alternative.

Look, when we get on a plane we all may have to sit by people we don't want to. The guy who smells like he rolled in whiskey, the four year old with the full on tantrum, the man who looks at you like he has a chain saw in his luggage and he wants to take you for a drive when you get off the plane, the woman who chews gum with her mouth open. It's part of the whole airplane experience along with body cavity searches, lost luggage and travelling with our knees up at our ears.

Airline personnel, the next time a man refuses to sit down because he has to sit by a woman, either give her a seat in first class (because it is insulting to be told that you are unclean and she sure deserves first class, free drinks, and a foot massage, just for being humiliated), or strap the guy to the wing of the plane. He can have a seat all by himself out there.

Ladies, please, if you are ever asked to move your seat because you are a woman, don't. Please don't. It is not okay. It is not acceptable. It is not being nice to other women to cave in like that. You are only feeding the egotism that these men have and you will perpetuate the problem.  Although - if you are offered a seat in first class you are more than welcome to take it. We don't want to be unreasonable here. Just remember to drink to the rest of the people in cargo who have to travel with the guy who believes that one touch of a woman will cause him to turn to dust.

Oh, and for the rest of you ladies who have to travel with this guy, touch him over and over again. He just might turn to dust.

Friday, April 10, 2015

The Stash!

I have not given up writing!

Okay, got that out of the way.

I work at an LYS (local yarn shop) and occasionally I write something for the blog there. I thought I would share it here. Just for those of you who get high on yarn.


Let's talk stash. Specifically yarn stash.

Maybe you are one of those ultra disciplined people who only buy enough for one project at a time. You finish that project and then head down to the store to buy just enough for your next project.

I admire you. I used to be like you.

But then for some of us, the collection bug hit. We go into a store and see a yarn we love, we go to a sale, we buy a magazine and find several projects we want to do, and before we know it, we have...


We're not talking about a couple of lonely balls of stash, we're talking...


I'll bet that no one has as much as this lady.

The World's Biggest Stash?

That's her private stash. Not store stash. She did an interview later.

The World's Biggest Stash Update and Interview

I'm sure you're all feeling better about your stash, unless you want the Guinness World Record.

Although we call it all stash there's different types of yarn stash.

Leftovers: This is the stash that is unavoidable. It's the leftovers from those projects you made. It may be half a skein. Too much to throw out, but not enough to do something with. If you have a skein or more left over you can make a matching hat, or mitts, or a cowl. But it's the bits and pieces that make up this pile. One day, you will make a crazy scarf out of it all, or an afghan. Or something!

Staples: You know that it's designated for socks but you haven't picked out the pattern. You love lace shawls so you collect beautiful lace and fingering yarns, you just need to pick the pattern. You have a ton of dish cloth cotton and you know you'll make those dishcloths one day. Those skeins of yarn are for scarves. These ones over here are your basic worsted weight that you go back to again and again, and that pile over there is your baby yarn because there's always a new baby on the way. You know where it's going, you just haven't decided on the project. But you are ready for the pattern when you find it.

Ingredients: You know specifically what you're doing with this yarn. You have the pattern, you have the needles, you may have even put it in a special spot. You just haven't got around to making it yet. But you will. You will.

Gourmet: You were in a yarn shop and fell in love with an exquisite skein of cashmere and silk that was way too much money but you bought one ball anyway. You went to a sale that was so fantastic that you walked away with an entire bag of gorgeous alpaca. You have five skeins of that really lovely Debbie Bliss but you don't know what to do with it. One day you will find a use for this yarn but right now, it just sits quietly in your yarn pantry waiting for you. It calls out to you sometimes, and you gaze at it, and you may even go looking for a pattern for it, but the perfect pattern hasn't appeared yet.

Expired: And then there's the stash that you just don't know what to do with. Someone handed you their bag of leftovers. Or you thought at one point that the color was nice but now you don't. You bought up the big box store yarn in your early days of knitting but now you don't want to touch it. There's that skein of yarn that was all the rage but now it's dated. And then there's the project of shame. The yarn that you tried out on a pattern but found out you hated it. Either the yarn or the pattern or both. There's really nothing wrong with any of the yarn. It hasn't gone bad. It's just taking up space. But you spent money on it so it's hard to give away. (Hint: You know that worsted weight acrylic that is looking resentfully at you for not using it and you really don't want to - we'll happily take it and donate it to wonderful volunteer knitters who will make blankets for Canada).

And if you give away stash you are perfectly justified to buy new stash!

It's okay. We all do this - well except for those one project at a time people.

One piece of advice. Never show anyone your stash. They will either think you're crazy and want to send you to therapy, or they'll want it. They will bug you about it. They will ask for it. They will pout if you don't share.

I even heard of a woman who would sneak into her mother-in-law's basement where her stash was kept and take what she wanted without asking, because it was in the basement. We do not approve. We think people should have their own stash collections.

Whatever your stash situation, we understand. At the beginning of the year I thought I would go on a yarn diet. No more new yarn until I made a dent in the yarn I already have.

I work in a yarn shop. Do you know how crazy that resolution is? My boss brings in a beautiful line of tonal alpaca and common sense goes the way of the dodo. She has a 50% off sale and the yarn I've been eyeing for months is now in my studio. Kaffe Fassett does a knit along, and I want to knit along. I found a wonderful pattern and none of my yarn works for it.

So it would help if everyone came down to the store and bought yarn so it would quit yelling at me to take it home.