Welcome to Earth 101

“Welcome to Earth 101. I am your instructor, Henry. Is there anyone here that is not supposed to be here? Good. I am passing out packages for this course. Please take the one with your name on it and pass the rest down.


You have each received a different package. Although it may appear to be the luck of the draw, it is not. These packages have been specially chosen for you. There will be no trading.

You will notice in each of these packages a dossier. Take a look at the pictures. Read the biographies. Those people you see will be your family. As we get further on in the course we will be observing them. Study them. It is important that you know and understand them. You will be living your lives around these people.

“Excuse me?”

“Yes?”

“There seems to be some mistake. I put in for a mission for a rich family in the United States and this package says I will be serving in Ethiopia among the poor.”

“I can assure you. It is not a mistake.”

“Moving along, although your memories will be taken away, there will be certain things that you will instinctively know how to do. We will teach you these things here.

For instance you will learn here how to make a production of going to bed. Baths, stories, pyjamas, hugs and kisses, goodnights, prayers, lost teddy bears, baby blankets, snacks, drinks of water, trips to the bathroom, scary monsters under the bed or in the closet, all will be techniques you will use to delay night time sleep.

Another example - when you are taking a long trip in the car, or on a train, or a bus, or a plane, you will repeatedly ask your parents, “Are we there yet?” Furthermore, even though you have just been at a rest stop and assured your parents that you do not need to use it, ten minutes later while you are driving down the highway you will suddenly announce that you must go to the bathroom immediately."

“Excuse me, sir. What is this ‘go to the bathroom?’

“That will be one of the things you will learn on earth that will teach your parents many things.”

“We will be teaching them?”

“Yes. You will teach them things such as love, patience, fortitude, endurance, and forgiveness. They will learn to be as a child again, yet they will have tremendous powers. You will also teach them time management, delegation, charity, sacrifice, unselfishness, and the ability to learn to accept imperfections yet still be able to motivate you to go beyond what you thought you could do.”

“We’re going to teach them all that?”

“Oh yes, all that and more.”

“Now, we are not expecting that you will accomplish this immediately. You will start small. We will give you the tools. Initially you will be given an annoying cry that will break out sometime in the evening when your parents will be under the foolish impression that they can relax. Along with that cry you will be given the endurance to keep it going until well into the early hours of the morning. As you grow older you will be given other tools. An annoying whine, a piercing scream, the ability to climb great heights without fear and a quick brain that will allow you to think of things that your parents had not thought of yet. You will be able to eat things that are not for normal digestion, yet have the willpower to turn away from those foods that others find tempting. As you grow older you will question your parents at every turn. Keep those questions coming. That’s how they learn.

“Before you get too cocky about this, I have also given your parents tools. For instance, mothers will have the ability to see out of the backs of their heads, and fathers will be able to make you feel like slugs under rocks just by looking at you.

Are there any questions?”

“I don’t want to go to Ethiopia.”

“Was that a question?”

“Can I get a transfer?”

“No. Next question.”

“I’ll trade a villa in Italy for something in France”.

“How about a trailer park in Iowa?”

“I’ll take the villa for a chateau in Paris.”

“You’ve got it.”

“STOP! STOP! STOP! You cannot transfer, trade buy or sell your missions! You get what you get! Now there’s the bell. Homework tonight is…”

“You’re giving us homework on our first day?”

“Your homework for tonight is to study those dossiers. There will be a test on them tomorrow.”

“Oh man, a test already?”

“I can see now that you will teach your parents well. See you first thing tomorrow.”

Chocolate and NaNoWriMo

It's the day after Halloween which means two things. Chocolate coma and the first day of NaNoWriMo.

For those of you who don't know, NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month.

Which means that there quite a few of us who are desperately writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November.

Why they pick the month before December I don't know. If you are a NaNo it means that you can't possibly get ready for Christmas before December. It's been a dream of mine to have all the presents wrapped and all the baking done and in the freezer ready for the first of December when I can spend the month just enjoying the season.

But that dream has to be put aside as long as I insist on doing NaNo.

So I was good. I got to bed at a decent time last night - I was actually tired at 11. What's up with that? Which had me awake at 5 normally I time I get to bed these days. I wrote my first 2571 words this morning.

I figured out that if I take off weekends and my birthday I can get the 50,000 words in by writing 2500 a day. I'm already ahead 71 words.

I've accomplished this twice. If you look at my sidebar and scroll down you'll see my 2004 and 2006 winner badges. Yeah, that's what you get for a prize.

But at least I've got chocolate. It's a requirement.

The Flood, From a Woman's Point of View

“Noah, what are you doing?” Noah’s wife asked him. “You’re making a big mess. I hope you don’t expect me to clean this up.”

“I’m building an ark.” Noah replied.

“What’s an ark?

“It’s a big boat.”

“You’re building a boat in the middle of the desert?”

“Yep.”

“Do you know anything about boat building?”

“Nope.”

“I guess not, since you’re building it in the middle of the desert. Why are you building a boat in the middle of the desert?”

“God told me to.”

Her eyebrows rose up, “God told you to build a boat.”

“Yep.”

“In the middle of the desert.”

“Yep.”

“I can’t even get you to fix the front door, and you’re building a boat.”

“God didn’t tell me to fix the front door.”

“God isn’t the one who cooks your dinner either.”

“I’ll fix the front door when I’m done here.”

“When are you going to be done here?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how long it takes to build a boat. I’m still getting the trees.”

“Well, when you’re done building the boat, I’ll get your dinner.”

“All right, Woman, I’ll fix your door.”

“Honey, is this because of your 600th birthday? Are you having a mid-life crisis?”

“I am not having a mid-life crisis.”

His wife shook her head, “Other men just buy a fast horse or lose a little weight, mine builds a boat, in the middle of the desert, no less.”

Noah ignored her and continued working.

“How big is this boat going to be?” she asked him.

“Big. Big enough for two of every animal and all of our family.”

“Hmm, I suppose I could always turn it into a bed and breakfast.”

“Hey, Mom!” Three boys called out to her. She looked out into the distance to see her strong strapping youths coming towards them carrying tree trunks.

“Did you hear, Mom? Dad’s building an ark!”

“Yes, I heard, Shem. I see you’re helping him.”

“It’ll be cool.”

“Well, I doubt that it will be wet,” she replied.

Ham laughed while his brothers and Noah and  glared at him.

“Didn’t Dad tell you?” Japheth asked.

“Tell me what?”

“It’s going to rain.”

“Oh, well in that case, by all means build a boat. Don’t let me stop you. But I still need someone to fix the front door.”

***

“They have to get wives.” Noah said to her one day.

“They’re too young,” his wife said.

“They’re all around a hundred years old.”

“Barely out of babyhood. Do you really think Ham is ready to get married? That boy can’t even make his own bed.”

“A wife could do that.”

“Oh yes, that’s what we women are good for.”

“Nevertheless, I have sent them out to get wives.”

“Just like that! Do you know how long it takes to plan a wedding, never mind three weddings?”

“Hey, if I can build an ark, you can plan a few weddings.”

“Fine! But I still need my front door fixed!”

***

She watched as Noah and the boys brought the animals on two by two into the ark. Then she sighed, “I won’t be able to turn that boat into a bed and breakfast now.”

She overheard her sons singing “The ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah.”

***

After a nasty battle with sea sickness, she was able to get back on her feet and wander around the ark.

“Whose turn is it to clean up this mess!” she shouted looking around in disgust at the animal quarters. “Honestly, you people want pets and then you don’t even take care of them!”

“It’s Shem’s turn!” Ham shouted.

“It is not! It’s yours.”

“It is not. Maybe it’s Japheths.”

Noah’s wife stood with her arms folded in front of her. “I don’t care whose turn it is, you all can do it!” She spun around and stepped on a shovel which sprang up and hit her on the face.

“Who left this shovel in the middle of the floor!” she shouted.

“Ida Know,” they all said.

“Ida Know didn’t get permission from God to be on the boat! Where’s your father?”

“He’s talking to God.”

“Of course he’s talking to God. He’s always talking to God when there’s something to be done. Well, he’s going to talk to me.”

***

Ham’s wife sighed and said to her husband, “I’ll be so glad when we don’t have to live with your mother anymore.”

Shem and Japheth’s wives nodded in agreement. “Yeah, she makes us do everything around here.”

***

Noah and his wife stood on dry land gazing out at the water that was receding. He held her hand. “I love you,” he said.

“I love you too,” she replied. They were silent for a moment. “We don’t have to live in that boat anymore, do we? There wasn’t much for windows.”

“I’ll build you a lovely home with a white picket fence and you can have a garden where our grandchildren will come and play.”

“Will you give me a front door that works properly?”

He smiled. “Of course.”

She sighed and cuddled close to him. “Who knew that a midlife crisis would come to this?”

Lunch On a Skyscraper

A few years ago I belonged to a writers group that sent out prompts. One of them was this picture. I discovered this while looking for another piece that I had written. Still haven't found that one. So here is what I wrote for this picture. I'd love to see other responses.

“Okay, everyone places.”

“Lois, they’re not looking rough enough, put a little makeup on them.”

“Sean, stop jumping off the beam. I know it’s just a couple of feet, we’ll be putting in the city shots later.”

“Okay guys, line up and look like your eating lunch.

“What do you mean ‘what’s my motivation’? You’re motivation is eating lunch.”

“No, you’re not getting danger pay for stunt shots. There are no stunts. You’re only three feet from the ground.”

“Where’s the caterer? Darcy wants horseradish for his roast beef.”

“No, Craig, there’s no Grey Poupon. You’ll have to live with regular yellow mustard.”

“Jordan, if you guys all cooperate you’ll have plenty of time to make it to your JLo video rehearsal.”

“Yes, Brock, I’m aware that we ruined your manicure. I promise, everyone can have manicures after these shots.”

“And loofah’s too.”

“Okay, look rough and mean. Pretend you had a fight with your wife.”

“Sure, Vincent. You can pretend you had a fight with your husband. Just don’t look like it.”

“I know Tigh is blowing smoke in your face, Mackenzie. You’ll just have to put up with it for the shots. We’ll get you a cancer screening test right after.”

“Jaimie, what’s in that cigarette! You can’t smoke that here! Lois! We need a tobacco cigarette!”

“Hold it, Carrigan is holding up a newspaper with one of his own ads in it. We can’t have a construction worker holding up a photo where he’s modeling underwear! Someone get another newspaper!”

“Dean, stop asking me what your motivation is! You’re a construction worker eating lunch on a skyscraper! What more do you need?”

“Fine, Dean, you’re a suicidal construction worker with vertigo eating lunch on a skyscraper. Whatever works for you.”

“Everybody stop smiling! I know you all spent a fortune for caps, but this isn’t the time to show them!”

“Okay, great shots. You can all go now.”

“I should have listened to my mother and become a brain surgeon. It would have been less stressful.”

Silly Love Song and I'm Not Talking About the Paul McCartney Hit

I've been listening to a lot of Michael Buble lately. I like Michael Buble and it's because of him that I've embraced the kind of music my mother grew up with and the kind that I was first introduced to but became to cool to care about.

However there is one song that has got to be the epitome of really bad love songs. It's an old song. A classic that unfortunately has made a come back due in part not just to Michael but American Idol and Glee as well. And in spite of love being the most popular subject of all kinds of music, this song is probably the only valentine song. Nope, hold it. I just thought of another valentine song which is actually a good one.

So what is that bad love song. My Funny Valentine written by the talented Rogers and Hart. It was most likely written as a joke song yet so many took it seriously.

Let's take a look at the lyrics.

My funny valentine (okay, so far okay. Funny is good. Funny is sexy.)
Sweet comic valentine (hmm. Is valentine turning into a joke)
You make me smile with my heart (that's sweet)
Your looks are laughable (okay now that's just insulting)
Unphotographable (ugly. Great. Valentine is ugly)

Yet you're my favorite work of art (normally that would be nice but now I'm thinking that Valentine is just a painting of a clown)

Is your figure less than Greek (the Greeks were known for being athletic with tons of abs and muscle. So sounds like Valentine is fat)

Is your mouth a little weak (receding chin)

When you open it to speak
Are you smart? (Questioning the intelligence of Valentine. Well if Valentine thinks being called ugly, fat and stupid is romantic then maybe Valentine isn't smart)

The first time I had heard this song I was watching the Captain and Tenille on their variety show. Toni Tenille is actually a good singer and she had a big hit with "Love Will Keep Us Together" a decent song written by the talented Neil Sedaka. She also had a hit with "Muskrat Love" a song about two rats in love. Why anyone would think that rats in love is romantic I have no idea but it was a huge hit. Which is why they gave her and her silent husband a variety show that called for her to sing "My Funny Valentine" to her two bulldogs who panted heavily during the song because bulldogs are bred to not be able to breathel. The bulldog inspired the phrase "so ugly it's cute" which makes it entirely appropriate although gaggy to sing My Funny Valentine to one.

Maybe I'm wrong but shouldn't you find your valentine beautiful no matter what they really look like? Doesn't love make us deaf, blind and stupid? Isn't it supposed to otherwise no relationship would ever last?

Because I Won and I Want to Win More

I won! I won! I won! Yep, I won a copy of One Wish.

CJ Hill is having another giveaway. This time it's two books. My Unfair Godmother by Janette Rallison and CJ's own debut novel Slayers which is out now.

I haven't quite figured out what the cover of Slayers is. It looks like some kind of shark to me.

For a more detailed look and a chance to enter go to An Author Incognito.

Congrats to C.J. on her first novel.

Because I Like to Win Stuff

C.J. Hill over at Author Incognito is giving away a free copy of Just One Wish by Janette Rallison.

She's also announced the debut of her first novel. Slayers will be out on September 27.