Friday, April 13, 2012

And Now For Something Truely Ridiculous: 10 Ways to Kill Someone With a Door Knob

Please note. This is for entertainment purposes only. Do not try this at home. If you do try this at home, do not take me to court saying that I made you do this because your home/school life is miserable and you hate Mondays and nobody understands you and your mother made you wear the sweater that your Aunt Flora made you for Christmas or your boss just announced that you have been transferred to the same town where your in-laws live.

10 Ways to Kill Someone With a Door Knob

  1. Attach 3000 volts of electricity to door knob and then meow outside the door.
  2. Send away for a kit from the Acme Company. Using the paint that comes in the kit, paint a door on the inside of an outside wall on a fifty story building. Attach Acme doorknob. Write “Fire Escape” over the top of the door. Set off the fire alarm.
  3. In front of a regular door, build a trap door over an alligator pit. Attach a mechanism that opens the trap door to the door knob on the regular door. To get victim to open regular door, play Mini Pops on your stereo over and over again.
  4. On a freezing cold day, dare your ex-husband who doesn’t pay child support but has enough money for limos for girlfriends, to stick his tongue on a frozen door knob (tell him it tastes like beer and you’ll give up asking for money). Leave him there. Oh yeah, you might want to think about picking his pockets first and hosing him down. Ah, while your at it paint a target on his butt and pretend your Robin Hood. (Note: this is not a reference to anyone in particular. Really. It isn’t.)
  5. Hand several parents socks with door knobs in them. Now have Barney come to visit and ask him to sing the I Love You song. Come to think of it, you could dress up that ex in a Barney suit first.
  6. For a change of pace to your boring old snowball fight, have a door knob fight instead.
  7. To add excitement to your pillow fights, insert door knobs into pillow cases.
  8. Send away for Acme kit. Insert bomb making supplies that come in kit into door knob. Invite friends to play “hot potato” with door knob. Have anvil fall on someone’s head.
  9. Tell someone that calling a mobster a “door knob” over and over again is a term of respect. Introduce them to a mobster.
  10. Use Acme paint from Acme kit to paint a door on a brick wall that leads to an entirely enclosed secret room. Invite someone to go inside. Erase door.

Hmm, I was just thinking. I’ve got that secret room in the basement that I’ve been digging with a spoon. I wonder when it’s fully excavated and furnished, if I could go in and erase the door from the inside and paint it back on when I’m ready to come out. They’d never find me.