Monday, January 2, 2017

Just the FAQS Ma'am

Okay, so today's Ultimate Blog Challenge is all about writing a FAQS page for business. This assumes that people actually ask me questions as if I'm an expert in something. They do suggest that if no one speaks to you, you can make stuff up.

So guess what I'm going to do? Nope, not making this stuff up. Okay, maybe some of it, but the most insulting questions are real. I was much kinder on myself when I made stuff up.

Q: I like to write. What tips do you have for a someone who's thinking of being a writer?

A: Run! Don't do it! It is an addiction that will let you down over and over again. It's too late for me. It's like a drug. You get one teeny tiny bit of success - like having your letter to the editor published in the newspaper, and you live off that for the next five years. When you finally decide to quit, you will have another teeny tiny success, like getting accepted in a one of those fake poetry contests and off you go again dreaming of wild success where you can afford to move out of your cardboard box and people ask you for your autograph. 

Except for J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, Suzanne Collins, Stephenie Meyer and that fan fiction writer who stole from Stephenie and turned her work into some badly written bizarre sexploitation thing, writers don't make money. Really. Oh sure, there may be some plugging away - how Debbie McComber and Norah Roberts churn out so many books a year I have no idea. They probably have Hermione's time turner necklace.

And then there's James Patterson who just hires writers to write his stuff and puts his name on it.

But seriously, unless you want to live a life of fruitless agony in hopes of one day becoming a billionaire, you're better off buying lottery tickets or throwing virgins into volcanoes as a sacrifice.

I know this, and yet I still persist. You see how far gone I am?

Maybe I should consider throwing a virgin into a volcano.

Q: How do you get published?

A: You send out manuscripts to publishers. If  you're lucky they will return them right away with a rejection slip. Sometimes they'll hang onto them and say "we're interested. Please don't send this to anyone else." Then they'll hang onto them for another three years before sending them back saying they're not interested even though you could have sent that manuscript out to a hundred other publishers.

If they do accept it they'll want you to change everything, or they'll change it themselves, right down to the typescript where they'll stick italics where you don't want them and take them away from where you do. This will take another two years.

Or you could just self-publish where you will be in competition with everyone else who thinks they can write and to prove it they'll hire people to write positive five stars reviews for them, which makes your honestly non-paid for five star reviews worthless.

This is why you run away from becoming an author. I happen to wear cement shoes.

Q: When is the baby due?

A: For the three hundred millionth time. There is no baby. I'm fat. Thank you for pointing that out. Although I guess I should feel pleased that you think I'm young enough to still have babies. My baby is seventeen. She would resent you calling her a baby. She comes from a long line of babies.

May I point out that asking someone about their sex life, or pointing out what you consider to be a deformity is beyond rude. I didn't mention your wrinkles, bad hair, or the fact that your eyes look crossed. Quit commenting on my tummy.

Basically if you don't know if a woman is pregnant, don't ask her about the baby. It's rude. Especially when you do it at my work and I have to smile and play nice instead of ripping of your head, which you deserve.

When I say "I'm not pregnant" you will feel awful. Which you totally deserve and I won't rescue you from that feeling. 

Q: You have so many children, don't you know about birth control?

A: If I didn't know about birth control I would have seventeen children instead of seven. They are each a blessing, a good citizen, a good person, and not one of them deserve to be deemed as someone who should not exist.

Q: Do you know the names of all your children?

A: Yes. Yes I do. I'm brilliant that way. Sometimes I can even string them all together into one long name. I don't do this on purpose.

Q: Sam or Dean?

A: Dean mostly, especially when Sam didn't have a soul. But then there was Demon Dean and he wasn't very nice. Fortunately they take turns so they're not both evil at the same time and you can still crush on one of them if not both, and we all know that deep down they are good hearted heroes.

Sam sometimes has stupid sideburns and needs a haircut but he's generally kinder but I think Dean has the softer heart which he has to protect.

Can I pick both?

By the way, have you noticed that if you say "Sam and Dean" fast enough it sounds like a fish dish?

Q: Logan, Jesse or Dean?

A: It used to be Logan but after the last installment of Gilmore Girls it appears that Jesse has grown up and become sexy and responsible and interesting instead of a teenage angst brat. As for Dean, he got a brother and gave him the name Dean while he became Sam and went off killing monsters and having identity crisises which could have been avoided if he hadn't given his name to someone else.

Q: You're alone on a deserted island, what would you take with you?

A: A seaworthy boat.

Q: Can you do imitations?

A: The Wicked Witch of the West. It freaks people out and scares children. I like doing it a lot.

Q: Do you have grandchildren?

A: So I'm old enough to look like a grandmother and young enough to look like I'm pregnant. Yes, I have them. They're scared of me when I do imitations.

Q: Are all your children yours?

A: No. I stole them from a mad witch who was going to eat them.

Seriously though, I had them all the hard way. One at a time. If I had been smart I would have had them all at once and then I would have got my own reality show and been on Dancing With the Stars. And then I would have had a best selling book which I wouldn't have to actually write myself.

Q: I understand you knit. Could you make me something?

A: No.

Q: Why?

A: Because if I made something for you then I would have to make something for everyone else on the planet and then my hobby which I do to relieve stress would no longer be my hobby and would cause me stress.

Q: Who were you in a past life?

A: Probably a spoiled and rich beautiful princess. In this life I'm being punished for it. Someone has to pay for it.

Q: What's your personal motto?

A: Faith, hope and humor. I have to have the humor when the faith and hope don't work out. I have a lot of humor.

So there you go. A bunch of random FAQS. Now I have to go write a book so I can compete with everyone else who thinks they can write books.