Advice to Would Be Writers - Not That Anyone Will Listen

Day 5 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge has the suggestion to "give a piece of advice in your niche."

First I had to look up the word niche.

No I didn't. I know that it's an ornamental recess in a wall for displaying art.

Frankly, I don't have any advice for my niche. I don't have a niche in any wall around here and even if I did, then would my niche understand it?

But...I do have advice for all you people out there who desire to make money as writers.

Here it is...

DON'T DO IT!

Don't even try. Put down the pen, the quill, the computer, the tablet and walk away.

It will only bring you heartache, headache and stomach ache. It will make your spouse forget that you're married because they'll never see you, force your children to make their own toast and burn down the kitchen, and cause your mother to call every day to see if you've combed your hair.

That's another thing. You won't comb your hair, take a shower, and you'll wear pajama pants or sweats every day. 

No one will want to be near you!

Even if you do manage to put on something presentable (for instance a bra and shoes), you will be seen in public muttering to yourself about murder weapons and space aliens.

This will make people very suspicious and you may have unwelcome guests at your door concerned about your mental health.

Worse - you won't make any money.

Sure, J.K. Rowling is rolling in it. She even lives in a castle. And Stephen King can afford to see a shrink everyday about those nightmares he constantly lives with, and Dan Brown actually has the money to tour Europe several times over...

But you won't.

The money is for the select few. However, by the time you figure this out, it will be too late.

You will try to quit your addiction over and over once you recognize that's what it is.

But each time you do, you will get a little teeny tiny bit of success. Maybe the last rejection letter has a personal note from the publisher. It happens.

Maybe the local newspaper ran your letter to the editor.

Maybe someone visited your blog and left a comment.

Maybe, just maybe you actually sold something and they sent you a ...check! Or even if not a check they sent you a copy of the magazine that you appear in. It doesn't matter that the magazine is something no one ever heard of. You're published!

It doesn't take much to keep you addicted. To keep you going over and over that story, that novel, that poem, tweaking and loving it or hating it, depending on your mood.

And certainly when you read books you will tell yourself that you can do better.

You don't even have to read the books. You can just go to Amazon and click on the covers of books that look awful and read the blurbs. Then you'll know you can do better.

So just stop. Give up now while you still can. Become a race car driver, or a dog groomer, or join the air force.

Just don't become a writer.

Save yourself. It's too late for me.